I saw this over at http://www.jehovahswitnessrecovery.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=20&t=12243....It's helping me and i hope it can benefit you all also!
Getting Out
If you are reading this, no doubt you've had reason to consider making a permanent break from the Jehovah's Witness religion. This process can seem like a harrowing experience, or an insurmountable obstacle. It is likely that you have spent many years as a Witness, and in that time you have probably learned to rely on the material presented in the Watchtower, Awake, or other publications printed by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. Contemplating a future outside of that level of control can feel overwhelming, but many have successfully made the transition out of the religion, and improved their lives in the process.
It is the purpose of this document to create a resource that will help you make this transition in the way that best fits your individual circumstances. Everyone that approaches this crossroad in life comes to it with a unique situation, and their individual case is going to require specifics that might work for some, but not for others. We want to help you see the options that are available to you, so that you can make the most educated decisions possible.
Those who are disfellowshipped
To begin with, many people find themselves unwittingly outside of the organization as a result of committing a disfellowshippable offense. If this is the case with you, you have essentially been freed of the grasp of the Witnesses automatically. You now live outside of their system, but that does not mean that you are no longer affected by it. Many who find themselves disfellowshipped feel that they have lost some degree of control of their lives. Likewise, many find themselves officially out of the organization, but still are held captive to the ideas taught by the organization. This is likely to have a negative effect on the self-worth of an individual.
If you have found yourself thrown out of the organization as the result of a judicial committee decision, please consider taking steps to learn about the nature of the organization. Being shunned by the majority of those that have made up your social and family circles is an incredibly painful ordeal, and it is going to take serious effort on your part to come out the other end in a healthy fashion. For starters, consider seeing a therapist, ideally one with experience in deprogramming cult members. Also, some healthy books to consider reading are Steven Hassan's Combatting Cult Mind Control, and Ray Franz's Crisis of Conscience.
Don't allow your sense of self-worth to be diminished because three men decided that they want you cut off from everyone you love.
Have you slowly come to recognize that Jehovah's Witnesses do not have a monopoly on truth?
Many people today have decided to critically examine the teachings of Jehovah's Witnesses and have found their doctrines to be lacking. Some have grown dissatisfied upon witnessing the hypocrisy of the organization with regard to the leadership's strong stand against political involvement, while tossing themselves into the world of politics through the United Nations, or through the Organization for Security and Co-operation in Europe (also a branch of the United Nations).
Regardless of the initial causes, when an individual finds that they can no longer, in good conscience, support the Jehovah's Witness Organization, there are some difficult decisions to make. What compounds this difficulty is that many of the rules and edicts that control how local elders will respond are hidden away in the secret Elder's book, Shepherd the Flock of God.
This publication, along with its numerous hand-written notations handed down from elder to elder, contains instructions for local elders in dealing with people that do not match the organization's ideals. As an individual that has come to realize that there are less than accurate teachings contained within the Witness doctrines, you no longer are a person that matches the organization's ideals. From this point, then, decisions must be made carefully if one desires to retain any sort of relationship with their family and friends.
Being careful now can save trouble later
Many people, finding out that what they've believed through their life is not correct, wish to discuss it and figure things out as quickly as possible. In a high control group such as the witnesses, this may be a big mistake. Many people in the group are likely to have psychological barriers in place to prevent them from listening to another's doubts - or at least, listening seriously.
Instead, members are instructed to speak to the elders about any conversations they are a part of wherein they hear of someone expressing doubts or dissatisfaction with the organization or its leadership. If the elders find out about such doubts, their first responsibility is to investigate. This usually takes place via a meeting with the one who expressed the doubts in the first place, and if this meeting is allowed to take place, it will set in motion a string of events that most would prefer to avoid.
During this meeting, the doubting individual will likely be asked whether they believe that the Organization is spirit directed. Whether they believe that Jehovah's Witnesses are God's chosen people, and whether or not they believe that the Faithful and Discrete Slave is has Jehovah's direction. Additionally, the elders will likely inquire as to the sources of the individual's doubts. Were they the result of speaking to a former Witness? Is it a practicing Witness who is asking about things they would prefer to have left alone?
The purpose of this meeting is to find out how serious the doubts are, and whether these things have been presented to any other people. If they have been, then any others that have been a part of these discussions are likely to be invited to a very similar meeting.
There are a few 'hot button' issues that are likely to result in being asked to a meeting such as this much more quickly. Some of them include the Organization's involvement in the United Nations, the Organization's policies regarding pedophiles, the date of the fall of Jerusalem (607 vs. 587), or of course questions regarding the authenticity of the bible.
These topics, and others as well I'm sure, need to be discussed with the utmost of care. If you are thinking of discussing them with any active member of the religion, be prepared to face an investigation from the elders. It is very difficult to predict who will listen, who will disagree but leave you to your opinions, and who will report you as quickly as possible to the elders.
Avoid meeting with the elders
While there may be some rare exceptions, as a general rule, meeting with the elders to discuss serious doubts is a mistake, and one that will place a doubter under the microscope for a very long time. Go into this knowing that discussing doubts, especially the 'hot-button' issues, carries the risk that the elders will look to meet with you.
If you have progressed to the point that you are aware that the organization is often not truthful, a meeting will only provide opportunity for the elders to catch you making a statement that they can disfellowship you for later. These meetings are attended by more than one elder for a reason: they need two witnesses to disfellowship someone. What you say in this meeting can and will be used against you if possible. So, avoid it if at all possible.
A few things to keep in mind in this regard: of course, your thoughts are your own. No elder has 'earned' the right to your inner dialogue. Given the opportunity, they will attempt to dissect all of your thoughts. You are unlikely to convince them - the other reason for bringing two elders is that if you start to make progress with one, the other is there to bring him back to point. Secondly, elders are not automatically welcome in your home. If you choose to invite them in, that is YOUR decision. Everyone has the right to privacy, and the right to not be harassed in their home, their place of business, etc. Do not allow people to push you into a situation that you are uncomfortable in.
Preparation
Before making any rash decisions, it may be wise to lay the groundwork and prepare yourself for whatever path may be ahead. Most active Witnesses have minimal social support outside of the organization. This can be corrected very easily, and should be a starting point. Even if one is unsure about their position with regard to the organization, building a social circle, a safety net, so to speak, of people that are willing to support you no matter what, is vitally important.
So take the time that you have and develop friendships with non-witnesses. This does a few things important things: one, it helps you make an informed, less biased decision. The organization uses social circles to keep people inside of the group; if you have established a healthy social circle, this incentive disappears, and you are able to make an informed decision with less social pressure holding you to the groups ideas. The doctrine must stand on its own merit, and it does not stand well. Secondly, creating a social circle gives you something to hold on to throughout the process. It gives you people to confide in, and builds the support network you will need as you consider making your exit. The sooner you can begin to build a social network, the better off you will be.
There are many ways to go about this. Some have found volunteering to be a great way to meet good people. Of course, a person's employment might provide an opportunity to diversify one's social circles. There are of course a few things to watch out for. Often, the easiest friends to find are those that are the least "healthy." Choose friends carefully. Find people that accentuate your strengths, and minimize your weaknesses. Choose people with healthy habits that will help you remain balanced.
Do not assume you can trust people automatically, but try to overcome your instilled fear of non-witnesses. Most people will find that non-witnesses are just as honest as witnesses are, but years of indoctrination may cause you to have unrealistically negative attitudes about non-witnesses. This takes time to heal, but carefully allow yourself to trust people by giving them opportunities to earn your trust. Start small, and you will find people that will become your support.
Dissassociation, fading, or disappearing
There are essentially three major options available to one who decides to leave the organization permanently: disassociation, disappearing, or fading. Each option has its advantages and disadvantages, and each may be more ideally situated according to your circumstances.
There are many who choose to disassociate, because they feel so strongly that they need to publicly show to others that they no longer wish to be associated with the unethical practices of Jehovah's Witnesses. This option has the added benefit of avoiding much of the anxiety that can accompany the other choices. Generally, a person just writes a letter, explaining specifically why they no longer wish to be known as one of Jehovah's Witnesses, and then they deliver it to the body of elders of their former congregation. The elders likely will try to follow up on the letter, but those requests can easily be refused. The elders at this point are likely rather afraid of YOU, and that can be used to your advantage, if you wish.
Disassociation has one major drawback, of course, and that is that those that choose to disassociate will be treated exactly as if they have been disfellowshipped. This change took place in the early 1980's, seemingly because the organization wanted to find a way to disfellowship Raymond Franz.
If an individual wishes to maintain relationships with family members that still belong to the religion, this is probably not an ideal way to leave. However, if a person has limited family in the religion, has built a social network, and desires to make a statement about his or her views of the organization, this can be a great way to make an exit.
Fading is a much more popular, though arguably more arduous, route out of the organization. Fading takes dedication in its own right, along with a great deal of patience. Some acting ability is helpful as well.
In order to successfully fade, again, an individual does well to avoid meeting with the elders. This process needs to take place fairly carefully. Step one is to resign from congregational responsibilities in such a way as to not raise suspicion. Excuses like being too stressed, too busy, overwhelmed, or depressed, may provide safe reasons to step down or give up responsibilities. If a person has quite a few, or more visible, responsibilities it will be more difficult, and may result in greater questioning.
Again, throughout this process, avoid discussing things with the elders as much as possible. However, you may have friends or family that is genuinely concerned about your well being. Treating these individuals carefully is very important. Keep in mind that anyone could turn you in if you share your actual reasoning with them. Balance that with your desire to help others out of the group, and your own observations.
As time goes on, further reduce your visibility. The end goal is to become inactive, and then disappear entirely from the radar of the local elders. Many have done this successfully.
Of course, just like disassociation, those close to you will observe your lack of enthusiasm for various elements of the religion. You will have to decide for yourself whether they should know your true reasons for your diminished activity. Eventually, as your fade draws closer to its conclusion, the risk will remain that those that caused you to fade instead of disassociate will avoid speaking with you anyway. However, some families choose to remain in contact with someone, so long as they are not disfellowshipped or disassociated. Taking this course likely increases your chances of keeping some contact with family and friends.
Disappearing is a final option. Like the others, it includes positive and negative aspects. A person who chooses to disappear may have the opportunity to move out of reach of their location congregation. Just like fading, family members and friends will want to know why you have made a drastic change. Most people that choose to simply disappear are attempting to retain family relationships, but are willing to sacrifice their relationships with friends. In fact, if one wishes to keep even a portion of their social circle, disappearing is likely to be a poor choice.
However, if family is most important, disappearing can be a viable option. Since most "friends" will no longer remain friends after a person minimizes their activity anyway, this choice can work well. Disappearing has the advantage of being able to take a moral position of not supporting the religion, while not creating an obstacle in the way of maintaining family contact.
For many, this is a more realistically attainable process. It avoids the 'acting' necessary to properly fade, and it avoids much of the discomfort of being confronted by people curious as to why you are not as visible. It is a quicker solution for those that wish to get on with their life, but not burn bridges with their immediate family.
Considerations for Faders and those who choose to disappear
The Elder's book includes instructions that can pave the way for people choosing to fade or disappear.
The only way you can be disfellowshipped is if the elders have a confession OR two people testify against you for committing a 'disfellowshipping offense.' Trying to promote non-belief of JW teachings, is a disfellowshipping offense. Of note: the elders can decide that a person has "disassociated" themselves without having received a letter, or a statement from someone that they are disassociating themselves. The elder's book includes these (and additional) causes for a person to be considered to have disassociated themselves:
Making known a firm decision to be known no longer as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. If the individual is agreeable, the committee should first try to speak with him and provide spiritual assistance. (Gal 6:1) Does he really desire to disassociate himself, or does he simply no longer want to associate actively with the congregation? Is the desire to disassociate prompted by doubts or discouragement? Is he is adamant in his position, he should be encouraged to put his request in writing and sign it. If he does not, then the witnesses to his request should prepare a statement for the confidential files and sign it.
Joining another religious organization and making known his intention to remain with it. If it is learned that a person has taken up association with another religious organization and thus is identified with it, a committee (not judicial) should be selected to investigate matters and endeavor to provide spiritual assistance. If the individual has joined another religious organization and intends to remain with it, he has disassociated himself.
Willingly and unrepentantly taking blood. If someone willingly takes blood, perhaps because of being under extreme pressure, the committee should obtain the facts and determine the individual's attitude. If he is repentant, the committee would provide spiritual assistance in the spirit of Galatians 6:1 and Jude 22, 23. Since he is spiritually weak, he would not qualify for special privileges for a period of time, and it may be necessary to remove certain basic privileges. Depending on the circumstances, the committee may also need to arrange for an announcement to the congregation: "'The elders have handled a matter having to do with [name of person]. You will be glad to know that spiritual shepherds are endeavoring to render assistance." On the other hand, if the elders on the committee determine that he is unrepentant, they should announce his disassociation.
Taking a course contrary to the neutral position of the Christian congregation. (Isa. 2:4; John 15:17-19; w99 11/1 pp. 28-29) If he joins a nonneutral organization, he has disassociated himself. If his employment makes him a clear accomplice in nonneutral activities, he should generally be allowed a period of time up to six months to make an adjustment. If he does not, he has disassociated himself.-km 9/76 pp.3-6.
However, at no time should the elders ask the accused if he desires to disassociate himself. If the elders are handling a particularly difficult case and there is a question about whether the person has disassociated himself, it would be best for the committee to contact the branch office for further direction. If an individual is determined to disassociate himself, then the committee would prepare a summary of the alleged offense(s) and the evidence of such. This would be kept along with information regarding the disassociation. If the person later requests reinstatement, these matters would need to be considered with him at that time.
SO, you can choose to not give them a reason to consider that you have disassociated yourself. Keeping in mind at all times, that the elders, and the people who wrote the elder's book (thereby creating all the procedures) all consider their reality to be the ONLY reality. As such, they are convinced that they have authority over you - but the fact is that they don't, they live in a fantasy world. You can fight them in the fantasy world, or you can fight them in the real world. Oddly enough, the real world has much better tools to fight with, like reality, for one, but also the ability to learn their playbook as well as they know it, and use those rules against them.
On to disfellowshipping. There are ample reasons a person can be disfellowshipped. If you are looking to fade or disappear, and avoid being disfellowshipped, you are wise to familiarize yourself with the list of offenses as laid out in the elder's book. However, if you are leaving the witnesses as the result of a conscience matter, the following are the charges that may be brought up against you (again, from the Elder's book):
Deliberately spreading teachings contrary to Bible truth as taught by Jehovah's Witnesses: (Acts 21:21, fin.; 2 John 71 9, 10) Any with sincere doubts should be helped. Firm, loving counsel should be given. (2 Tim. 2:16-19, 23-26; Jude 22, 23) If one obstinately is speaking about or deliberately spreading false teachings, this may be or may lead to apostasy. If there is no response after a first and a second admonition, a judicial committee should be formed. - Titus 3:10, 11; w89 10/1 p. 19; w86 4/1 pp. 30-31; w86 3/15 p.
Causing divisions and promoting sects: This would be deliberate action disrupting the unity of the congregation or undermining the confidence of the brothers in Jehovah's arrangement. It may involve or lead to apostasy.-Rom. 16:17, 18; Titus 3:10, 11; it-2 p. 886.
If you are able to avoid being disfellowshipped for a little while, at least a couple of years, then this next section kicks in:
Those who have not associated for many years
In deciding whether to form a judicial committee or not, the body of elders should consider the following:
• Does he still profess to be a Witness?
• Is he generally recognized as a Witness in the congregation of the community?
• Does his conduct continue to affect any other person, such as in some cases of adultery or child abuse?
• Does the person have a measure of contact or association with the congregation so that a leavening, or corrupting, influence exists?
• Is the person willing to meet with a committee, thus admitting accountability to the Christian congregation?
Depending upon the length of inactivity and other factors suggested above, elders may determine to hold the matter in abeyance. In such a case, they would make a record of the person's questionable conduct for the congregation file. When the individual again shows interest in returning to the congregation, they can clarify these matters.
These comments come from the most recent elder's book, and can help you form a successful exit strategy if you are looking to avoid being disfellowshipped or announced as disassociated.
Other Issues
Of course, getting out without being disfellowshipped is just one part of the battle. Many that choose to leave would like to be able to retain some semblance of a relationship with their families, and possibly even keep some friends. This is where things start to get complicated.
It seems as though many have found that discussing concerns about the organization is possible, if done very carefully. The conversations that seem to be the most effective are those that pose the questions in a sincere fashion, as though the questioner really wants to find the answers to these questions. Of course, in many cases, if you are leaving the witnesses, you legitimately DO want to find answers, so this does not have to be done deceptively.
Though many who leave the witnesses adopt an atheistic and/or agnostic worldview, these topics tend to push away many believing witnesses. Focus discussions on problems with the Witness doctrine and the actual cost in human pain and suffering that has been caused by Witness teaching, rather than the existence or nonexistence in God. This can be a subject deeply tied to the heart of an active Witness. Help people break free of the controlling efforts of the Jehovah's Witnesses, and then they can figure out for themselves whether or not they think God exists.
Hopefully, this guide will help those that wish to find freedom from the controlling religion known as Jehovah's Witnesses. No path out of the organization is an easy one, and each has challenges along the way. The initial period, for many, is by far the most difficult. Life opens up, however, after some time out of the organization. It gets better. Friendships can be found, surprisingly easily. Relationships that are not dependent on uniformity of belief are stronger and truer than those based on manipulation.
So take your time, think things through - and plan your steps cautiously. You can find much fulfillment in life as an Ex-Jehovah's Witness, and while difficult, the path is far from impossible!