Help me, how can I help a young adult?

by skeeter1 2 Replies latest social family

  • skeeter1

    So there is a young woman, over 18 years old. She refuses to get her driver's license. She lives in an area where the nearest "town" is 15 miles away. There is no public transportation. Worse, the adults that surround her have said throughout her underaged years (and now too), "We aren't pushing her to drive."

    Growing up, these adults also didn't push her into Kindergarten. When she cried on her first day of school, they coddled her and brought her back home. She didn't go to Kindergarten.

    When she was about 10 years old, she came to visit. I took her to a fast food restaurant. At the end of our meal, she wanted an ice cream. I gave her enough cash and told her to go get it herself. She was terrorized. She couldn't do it. She said that her grandparents always ordered for her.

    Her one grandparent, who was a main caregiver, is the type that don't trust anyone else to watch over kids. It's a "don't trust outsiders" type household. At first I was like "OK, with all the kidnappings that isn't a bad idea." But, taken to an extreme, it's not good as I am seeing now.

    All the way through her younger teenaged years, she didn't work. She even refused to carry a purse.

    She got her learner's permit, but will not get the real thing.

    So, this young lady recently had a baby out of wedlock. She went through tough birth. Her "boyfriend" has a driver's license, but can't drive. He has no car. He's wrecked every car he's had. He's super possessive. I wonder if she holding back on driving, because he isn't able to drive.

    Now, some of the adults around her want her to "grow up",and they want her to go to college and lose this jerk. I don't know how she's going to go to college, if she can't drive. But they are not "pushing" her to get a driver's license. Partly, becuase she has a fit when they mention the subject. Partly, becuase they are wanting her to recover. But, to be honest, I kind of think these are delay tactics for them too.

    It seems, that the adults around her also don't want her to get a job. If I mention it, I get some pushback. They say, "Oh, she's a great mother." Well, the man hasn't worked much, and when he did, he didn't give her (or baby) any money. When I mention, "She's also going to have to be a provider, a father, for this child." That gets me silence. She'd qualify for free child care and welfare assistance if she worked. Of course, the mention of outside child care, well, that throws the overly protective adults into a tizzy.

    It's like they want to keep her in an infantile state. But, by keeping her a child, they have destroyed her self confidence. She's so much more likely to accept a jerk.

    I read the thread by "Rocky Girl" on her graduation and ability to walk tall & proud. I wish Rocky Girl could rub off on this young woman.

    Why do I care? Well the grandparents are old. Half the time, they are moaning about how they can't retire and these kids are draining them dry. When they die, I know I am going to be put in a position to "take care" of this group. It ain't happening.

    This whole situation seems so dysfunctional. Any thoughts?

  • nugget

    Part of your job as a parent is to help children grow up and be independent, self reliant and confident adults. Your job is not to do everything for them and keep them tied to your apron strings their whole lives. As you have pointed out this young woman has been given no life skills and as a result of their controlling behaviour she is primed to seek out other controlling adults in life to carry on doing her thinking for her.

    This young woman needs to grow up so she does not repeat the same mistakes with her own child bringing up another person to seek out dysfunctional relationships. The way I would approach it is by pointing out that she is a mother and what she does will affect this child. What if the child has an accident and needs to get to hospital if she can drive she can take it there. If the child develops a condition requiring hospital visits then being able to drive is an essential skill. She needs to show her child by her own example a strong work ethic and love of learning to equip that child with the right mental attitude. This is a time when being direct is important. However the grandparents still do not want to let go of the control byiut they will not be around forever and what then? She needs to wake up to the reality of what she would do if anything happened to them. They also need to wake up to the fact that if they were in need she would be worse than useless. Once they mean what they say about her being more independant rather than just paying lip service to it then things will happen.

  • Black Sheep
    Black Sheep

    Make sure everyone knows that they had better get off their butts and sort themselves out because you will not be blackmailed into being their new sugar Daddy when Grandad's money runs out.

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