For those of you who inactive, but not officially DFd/DAd, how do you manage?

by undercover 37 Replies latest jw friends

  • undercover

    I read with interest the thread about how people who are mentally out yet still attend (some) meetings manage to do continue to do it and it got me wondering, how do those of us who are completely inactive, no longer practicing members of the faith, manage to pull off our new ex-JW life, yet never invite scrutiny or investigation from former friends, elders, etc.

    Take me, for example. I've been out several years now, but have never officially renounced my faith. I've never out and out called it a crock of shit to anyone who could make real trouble for me. I consider myself an ex-JW, but cannot post that on my Facebook wall without repurcussions.

    I've managed to move on in my everyday life for the most part...doing what I want to do and am even slowly successful in freeing some family least physically, if not mentally. Yet, there are times that I have to tippy-toe around certain subjects/events/holidays.

    For me, it's part not playing by WT rules and part keeping low profile so as to not cause JW family to have to take a hard stand. But as more time passes, I care less about being found out/exposed. If it were to happen, I'd just shrug my shoulders and keep on keeping on. But I'm not going to invite it. I want to continue to slowly work my evil plan at freeing certain members from the clutches of the WTS.

    What about y'all? How do some of y'all do it?

  • wha happened?
    wha happened?

    My fade has teken some turns, but I don't avoid dubs anywhere anymore. I even post my name on occasion because at thise point, I really don't care. My thorn is my wife and I try to keep her appeased. Her family isn't involved so no problem there.

    I'll never attend another meeting of that religion and I don't plan on renouncing my faith as it would be more of a renouncing of a religion. I never lost faith. I lost faith in a religion

  • cedars

    It's all relatively new for me, so it's a learning process. I hate having to keep quiet about things with my relatives. I am fortunate in many ways that I have a wife who shares my concerns about the faith and passively supports my activities, which are a great outlet - i.e. even if I can't help my own family, at least I can help others. I find resources such as this forum and my work on the survey site a great therapy. I just need to remember to be careful and keep my head down. Hopefully all this sneaking around won't last forever, one way or the other.


  • blondie

    I don't discuss my views with anyone. I have no contact with my jw family but I understand some may have a emotional bond yet. We didn't get called on until 8 years of being gone. Then it is either before the memorial or during the CO visit. We either don't answer the door or step out to the porch and keep it short. Making new friends is good, re-establish bonds with non-jw relatives, make a life for yourself.

    But I never talk to them, no pearls before swine.

  • Mickey mouse
    Mickey mouse

    I'm not DA or DF but my family treat me as though I am. Job done.

  • ex360shipper

    I am lucky because I have one good friend (he is on this forum) that I bounce ideas off of. We are both inactive and share books with each other such as Ray Franz's books and "combatting cult control". It is nice to have a real person besides my internet friends here that I can talk to when I get pressure from family or JW friends to go to meetings and such. Otherwise I think it would be tougher not to out myself in a fit of anger and get df'd.

  • sabastious
    But I never talk to them, no pearls before swine.

    It was such a surreal experience for me to get to the point where I don't want to talk about it with them anymore. When I was first awakening I felt trying to get to them wasn't casting pearls before swine. I now totally understand how that works. They actually don't care about the truth, which I found hard to swallow because we all called it the Truth. It was devistating for me to find out that they only care about their status before their organization and fellow peers and their own peace of mind. I am glad that I gave them the benefit of the doubt for so long, because I never want to be like them and judge without even a second thought. I never again want to let a printed word control my thoughts and actions. "Innocent until proven guilty" can be enveloped by angst towards my past captors, but it really is the best way to go about life, imo.


  • cedars

    Sabastious nailed it...

    They actually don't care about the truth, which I found hard to swallow because we all called it the Truth.

    I get the impression when talking to a certain relative that he doesn't WANT to know it's not "the Truth", even if it can be proven beyond doubt that it isn't. It's a shocking realisation to come to.


  • ex360shipper

    Cedars you hit the nail on the head. Many people are like the disciples, "Lord, whom shall we go away to?" They would be more lost without the org as it has encompased their whole life, faith, social structure ect.

    I would love to see my family free, but it might destroy them more to be out than in.


    Good Afternoon UC..

    I pretty much play it like you do..

    JW friends and relatives still talk to me..

    They know I`m not a believer and I don`t make a big deal about it..

    I`m not a threat..

    That leaves me room to make my moves..Give them bits of information..

    Nothing that will freak them out..Just enough to make them think..

    I`m far more dangerous to the WBT$ this way..


  • OnTheWayOut

    I virtually never cross paths with former friends, elders, etc. Occasionally, because my wife is still an active JW, I do cross their path, but it's rare.

    As you, I've never out and out called it a crock of shit to anyone who could make real trouble for me. I consider myself an ex-JW. I freely post on Facebook because I have never allowed any JW's to be FB friends.

    I pretty much do what I want but also have to tippy-toe around certain subjects/events/holidays. I don't vote and I don't attend a church and I don't smoke (the biggest sin of any JW's). I am married so I don't have to watch out about having the ladies to my home overnight.

    I have an agreement with my JW mother to simply not discuss JW stuff. She breaks it occasionally and I respond, but I don't tend to break the agreement.

    As more time passes, I also care less about being found out/exposed. If it were to happen, I'd be a thorn in the elders' side and fight it, but probably settle for just shrugging my shoulders and keep on keeping on as UC said. But I'm not going to invite it. I want to continue to slowly work on my evil plan at freeing my mother and wife from the clutches of the WTS. I don't concern myself with the rest.

    I have recently been contacted by the elders. They want to meet with my wife and I. I will blow it off for awhile, but I might go. I won't answer a single question, I told my wife that. She asked how they could really talk to me if I don't answer questions. I said I will say "If you are here to encourage me, then have at it. If you are appointed by Holy Spirit, then let the spirit guide you, but I won't answer questions.

  • its_me!

    I haven't gone to a meeting in more than two years. It still hurts that my mother doesn't have very much contact with me, even though I am not df'd or da'd. But I made my choice, and she is making hers. I just wish I could see my little brother more. The only reason I have not da'd is because I need to be able to speak to him when he is about fourteen or so, so that I can tell him that he does not have to practice something that he doesn't believe in and he has somewhere to go if they boot him out of the house when he is 18. He can come stay with big sis.

    My mom and I were so close when I was growing up. She was my best friend. I thought that nothing would ever come between us. Stings to realize that my friendship with my mother was conditional. Its like she has already made the "its me or the org." choice, and I lost.

  • sabastious
    As more time passes, I also care less about being found out/exposed. If it were to happen, I'd be a thorn in the elders' side and fight it, but probably settle for just shrugging my shoulders and keep on keeping on as UC said.

    Yes, there is reason to go out kicking and screaming and overturning every trash can while they chase you. It fatigues the elders who have to go through the rigorous process many times. Deep down they yearn for peace and quiet, that can be played upon.


  • S3RAPH1M

    My mom is DF'd and all of her family are not witnesses, so for her it's worked out, and for me it works out also. Most of my Dad's family aren't witnesses, and he's a bit of a lukewarm brother, so I don't have to worry about getting shunned from his part, plus he hasn't told me but I think he feels 'blood is thicker than water'. Years ago when I was in trouble with the law, and not attending the local congregation he covered for me, telling the C.O very minimally that I moved, and that's all he would say.

    After using nothing but the Bible when two elders came to see me, I opposed them and they haven't returned since. A separate elder that was my mentor spent 8 hours on varios separate occassions trying to convince me to return. I went to one Convention one last time, but the Blood issue, Silent Lambs issue, UN issue, were huge along with few others, I couldn't stay.

    Now I'm into personal development, I read books from leaders like John C. Maxwell, and that's given me some direction. I have Deist inclinations after reading Thomas Paine's "Age of Reason". After I left the Watchtower I decided it was time to invest in myself, that's my focus right now. Sometimes it's good to be a little selfish.

    My game plan was:

    Challenge myself get in shape, hire a personal trainer

    Go out and meet different women everywhere, go on dates

    Get new friends, since my watchtower fam was no longer there, develop relationships

    Invest in myself, Read books apart from religion, like comedy, travel, and others

    Not having to go to meetings a few hours a week gives me time to do a whole lot more, things that I want to do

    A challenge I have right now is learning how to consistently stick to a positive routine, and positive habits from a personal goal set schedual that I set for myself.

    Actively building a life and lifestyle that I want and desire will take time but it's worth the effort because we're worth the effort.

    Everyone has problems, no one's life is perfect... Two people were working the fields in the mud at night. One person saw mud, the other person saw the stars. Sometimes the negative things have to be called out for what they are, and sometimes the positive, beautiful things should be called out, chased, and embraced, not trying to be preachy or one up anybody, but my 2 cents. Cheers!

  • outsmartthesystem

    The elders just look at my with pity assuming that I am "spiritually sick" but too stupid to ask for help. The problem for me is that my wife still wants me to go to witness gatherings. I've been to one. It is person after person "inquiring" about my whereabouts. There's Brother Guilt Trip - "Hey....I was out in service yesterday and we saw a white dog. Remember the one that chased us down 5th street? I sure miss being in service with you." And of course Brother Dimentia "where have YOU been? You ain't gonna make it to the new system by skipping all the meetings!"

    But for me the issue is all the governing body worship that goes on at these things. All the conversations turn to something they learned at teh last meeting (isn't everyone appreciative of Jehovah shedding that light for us? Everyone nods). Or people start relating field service experiences. The point being....I have nothing in common with these people anymore. But try explaining that to the wife! All she sees is me becoming a hermit. She doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to happily engage in a conversation about the past week's indoctrination session. My refusal to go to a get together and spend hours talking about the "spiritual paradise" is evidence enough that I am poisoned beyond all help

  • dog is god
    dog is god

    I finally just walked away. I am just trying to live and not be mentally ill. The last time an elder came by I was on my way to "church". My brother had just died. I told him that the bible says you will know them by the love they have.... when my mother died not one jw came to help or provide solice. When my brother died...same thing ...only I got a lot of help......from the United States Marine Corps (My brother joined the marines to get away from my mothers religion). How's THAT for love Mr Elder? I also mentioned that they do worship a trinity...Jah, Jesus and the Gov Body. He's never come back. That's the only conversation I've had. I don't care what they think. I do still love and miss the ones I grew up with. They don't love me back. When I see them or run into them I am always kind and respectful. I don't speak doctrines with them. They are mislead as I was. It's just very sad.

  • TOTH

    I live my life as I please. BUT, I avoid the uber jw's and their topics of conversation because I find it difficult to not engage them in a debate. My wife is not prepared to lose everyone on her side so I keep my mouth shut as much as I can.

  • finally awake
    finally awake

    It's only been a little over 3 months since I last attended a meeting. I've only seen a couple of the local dubs, but nothing has been said about my absence. I've moved on, and I'm busy doing what I want to do without too much concern about what they might think about it. Since I don't have any family in the borg it's really not too big of a deal. I never really made close friends in the congregation, so there's none of that to miss either.

  • NVR2L8

    I'm in the same situation as Wha happened? and OTWO. The only contacts I have are those initiated by my active wife, when she occasionally invites friends over for coffee or a meal. She is very selective because she knows that I would back off in a confrontation or that I would tell them to mind their own business if they started asking questions. Except for one JW I occasionally ride motorcycles with, all my ex-friends stay away. I have a very busy life at work and I travel a lot so I have a life outside the JW community. I have regrets not being able to be with my wife as I used to, but that's the price I need to pay with the hope that one day she chooses me over the meantime I love her the best I can.

  • WTWizard

    When it started, I moved to the boundary of my territory. Just a few hundred meters on the other side, but enough so I should have switched congregations. Instead, I played the lazy card. I attended alternating boasting sessions, in a pattern that was more or less random. Each time I missed one side, they assumed that I was on the other. Before long, I started missing some altogether and not going to any boasting session at all.

    Additionally, I would turn in field circus times of 1 hour a month (and that was low quality). I had enough of men spitting blood into mayonnaise jars (once was enough), which was the beginning of my decline in field circus time. Along with just meeting men at functions, there was no impetus for me to do 100% any more. This reduced level of activity continued a time, until they finally purged everything worth going to boasting sessions for right out of my life. Upon realizing that I was going to be exposed to exclusively men (which I might expect from the Anglican church, which the witlesses proudly proclaimed to be nothing like, not the homophobic witlesses), I decided that even once every other week was too much.

    At this point, I started turning my time in late on purpose. I would turn in 2 slips at once, separate slips for separate months. That would make them think they misplaced or mishandled the slip when they found the older slip. For instance, I might turn in March and February near the first of April. These would be 2 separate slips--one for February, one for March. The February slip wasn't in on time, so of course it was nowhere to be found. Then, when it turns up, they would assume it disappeared or they were careless. Then, when April time never showed up, they would waste time hunting for it only to have it turn up when I turn in May (and April, separate slips). That would have the hope of pxxxing off the hounder-hounder when they "missed" my slip (fair play for them ordering me to just meet men).

    Eventually, I pulled the plug altogether. And I hope they wasted much time worrying that I might be on the "wrong side". Both sides would be looking through the whole Kingdumb Hell, thinking mice might have taken my time slip and hid it in the walls only to return it next month or that the other side might have gotten it. They still assume I might be going to the other side, wasting more time worrying about where I might be. Hopefully, it resulted in much shame and guilt for the hounders when the hounder-hounder is wondering why they couldn't find my slip, and wondering how many more slips are being taken by "mice".

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