a couple years ago i was watching my son progress to the point of baptism. it was then that my subconsious began making me see that people in the org will put the doctrine above anything especially if it allows them to remain mentally and physically lazy or saves them some money. the thought of my son in a robot like mentality truly awakened me and i couold see much of his motivation was from outside sources and not of his own initiative which caused me to put a stop to the process as he only had a last set of questions to go over before the plunge.
this caused quite a stir with the family including my wife who was opposed to anything that would stop her son from getting baptized, i told the elder conducting the questions that my son was not ready and he accepted that without asking questions. while this is going on i was researching the watchtower and reading CoC and went through the whole emotional spectrum from sad to disgusted to angry and back. it took a few months to realize the deception is so deep that most people around me will look at me as the problem and not the org, so other than my wife i told noone of my discoveries.
even though i have not been out in service for at least a year and have stopped attending meetings months ago i have began to feel a peace that is hard to explain. i feel like i have come to grips with the thought of my own mortality and it gives me a deeper appreciation for family and as i watch my extended jw family lose thier minds and attack the teenagers that are leaving one after another, one of them has been to a mental hospital because of the stress from her jw family and another who was kicked out of his mothers home for getting disfellowshipped for sex at 18 now lives with us . i cant help but feel justified for my stance . i know my children do not suffer the symptoms from conditional love, my son who now lives a pretty normal life with a group of worldly friends(omg!) my wifewho originally struggled with my change has seen a deeper apreciation for family in me and even though she remains a witness she struggles with her feelings because she sees the massive need for guilt and control in order to keep the youth going to the kingdom hall.
So i guess time will decide my fate. the elders want to meet with me for taking in my df'ed nephew and i have told them to stop bothering me. whatever the outcome i look toward the future eager to enjoy the simple things , a beard, a few cigars, and dare i say a tatoo. but most importantly my family, omg i am worldly now haha
thanks for reading
EA