by lydia 8 Replies latest jw friends
How did you handle the childrens questions when you left he BOrg??
Were they old enough to understand, or young?
If older - did they see the same things occuring as you did??
How do you handle the questons if one family member is still in??
I told you I was really going deep tonight..
Lyd
lydia,
when I exited the borg I was not quite 15 yr old. All my siblings were older than me but they all asked the same childish question, "how could you leave Jehovah?". Were they old enough to understand? Hell no! they still don't after 40 years! I've had a few discussions with them over the decades and they are still as out to lunch as the day i left.
carm
Good question.... When we left it was very confusing for the children. I think children tend to grow up thinking that mums and dads are perfect and are always right about everything (well, in our house at least!!) and when you have to admit to them that you have been misled it can be very difficult for them to understand. I think we handled it as well as it could be, bearing in mind our kids were all 8 years old and under, we tried to reason with them - using the Bible where we could, to point out errors that they had made. We explained that we felt that no one religion should claim 'exclusive rights to God' and that each religion (within reason...) had its good points. We tried to undo the damage and indoctrination and helped them reason over things.
I remember my small son asking 'Why dont we go to the Kingdom Hall anymore?' and I simply stated that we dont believe the same things as they do anymore, this satisfied him and that was that.
I also remember my eldest daughter being very concerned over shunning and I had to go into detail with her the reasons why they choose to do this, she came to the conclusion that they are 'stupid people who act like children'. She also said 'that is not a very Christian thing to do is it?' Talk about knocking the nail right on the head! Children are so perceptive!!
In think above all though, it is important to be honest with the children, I believe they were mislead enough in the KHall without carrying it on when you leave. They ask me now whether there is a God at all and I answer them honestly - I don't know, it's one of lifes biggest mysteries..... and they seem happy with that for now.
Hi Lydia,
While I never did join up with the Borg the journey I went on after that near miss did lead me to completely change my view of religion. I had to explain to my kids why we were no longer 'believers', or at least the conclusions I reached. I told them (and showed them but they may be a little older than yours--at the time I'd say they were 8 & 11) why I had come to the conclusions that the bible was far from inspired and that I will no longer subscribe to any belief that such an awful thing could be Enlightened enough to have anything to do with God, if indeed there is a God.
While this may not be what you want to explain to them you could use the same methods re: the WT. Explain, of course on their level of understanding, why you have reached your conclusions. Tell them of the wrongs you have found and that you don't think God would approve and neither do you. Be sure to freely admit, as often as necessary, that you were mistaken and have realized your mistake and want to correct it. You'd be surprised at how accepting and understanding children are when addressed on these thorny matters with complete honesty and sincerity.
Best wishes,
Julie
Hy Lydia,
My son was about 5 or 6, my daughter a year and a half younger, when I left. My daughter didn't really question anything, she was just relieved not to wear 'itchy' dresses and go to 'boring' meetings anymore! My son, on the other hand, questioned me from time to time and I basically just told him that I didn't agree with the JWs anymore and that their way of handling things didn't make sense to me. He was pretty satisfied with that. Now that he's 10, we have interesting discussions about god, life, religion, etc. I try to be as honest as I can with him. Both of my kids ask me periodically about god...I tell them I just don't know. And they're okay with that.
What's really great is to hear what THEY think about god..at the moment, they both very philosophically shrug their shoulders and say:"Who knows?" I've worried from time to time that I haven't given them anything to replace the void left from leaving the JWs, but they don't seem to be suffering any ill effects. Kids have an amazing capacity to reason, when allowed to do so, and so we're on this journey of figuring out a belief/value system together.
Dana
bttt
Lydia,
My children actually left the Borg before I did! LOL
My eldest decided it was all a bunch of baloney at about age 12. She would sporadically attend meetings with me out of guilt, attended the Memorials with me every year except last (when I didn't attend either, but had a private ceremony at home) out of respect. But she detested any attempt to involve her in the family study and stopped praying daily on her own. She is now 17 and has her own religion.
My middle child disliked going to the meetings, too. But she hung in there a bit longer. I'd say until she was 14. She rebelled at going to the conventions and assemblies earlier, though. No WAY she was going to sit through entire DAYS of WT same-old-same-old. She is now 16 and a Deist.
My son is very black and white and absorbed the JW teachings very well. He was the child who worried endlessly about being swallowed up in an earthquake caused chasm during the Great Tribuation, however. He also had an unhealthy (?) fixation on Abraham being willing to sacrifice Isaac and Jehovah being willing to have Jesus sacrifice himself in such an awful way. He was always thanking Jehovah for sending his Son to die for us in his prayers. Nonetheless, he never enjoyed the meetings, either, unless he could comment. Problem was, he never wanted to take the time to prepare. He found that hearing the material once at the meeting was sufficient for him to be able to formulate a response. He was correct. His responses were always dead on! Soon he no longer could be bothered, --about age 10 -- and as he had his Dad telling me that the children needn't come if THEY didn't want to, I could not force him. He stopped at about age 11 after giving me some truly hellish moments while out in field service. He is now 13.
My grand-niece, who did not have the 'benefit' of being raised a witness child from birth, enjoyed the sense of community at the hall and felt the love was genuine. She suffered the most when we stopped attending. But she missed the people, not the teachings. When she realized how they dropped us like hot potatoes when we became less active, it was not hard for her to let go. She attended meetings with me on and off up until I no longer wished to go -- the end of 2000. She came with me to the non-denominational church I settled on and attended Sunday school there for a while. She is still looking for community and spirituality, and we attended church there the week before last because she "missed church." She is 12.
All throughout, we honestly explored our feelings and our reasons for belief or disbelief. I informed my children of what I was learning both in Ray Franz' books and on the internet. I still tell them what I'm discovering. Sometimes they're interested. Sometimes their eyes glaze over. LOL
Now I have nothing but confusion to offer, but they don't seem to mind. They are finding their own ways, and it's great!
Don't worry, Lydia. It will all be okay.
outnfree
It's what you learn after you know it all that counts -- John Wooden
lol safe your daughter sounds a lot like mine...caught her recently in the tub singing a song about how glad she was she didn't have to go to boring meetings anymore and gets to celebrate holidays! Totally cracked me up!
Seriously though...my daughter was around 5 when we quit going. We had been the good JW parents too...taught her that Santa was pagan...oh yes she shouted it out at the mall during Christmas...the church that we can see from our house was labeled "pagan" also...one of her first words was "Jehovah"....she went on stage with me at the age of 4 during a talk. But one of my defining moments was on her birthday when she started crying because she didn't feel special and wanted to know why she couldn't celebrate her birthday. When I couldn't explain this to her I decided then and there that Damn It I was going to celebrate it and no one was going to tell me different!!!!
We explained to her that we had discovered that some of the teachings of the JW's weren't right...and when things come up at school, like the pledge and holidays...we sit down with her and discuss them...get her imput on how she feels about them and help her to make her own decisions about what she wants to do. Our main goal in life now is to teach her to use her sense of reason to make her own informed decisions. My family scared her a little with the Armagaddon stuff, but we calmly explained to her that if there was a God he would be a lot more mercyful then they make him out to be...and then we told my family that if they ever did anything like that again they would not be allowed to see her anymore. She is a little confused over the fact that one of my sisters refused to see me when she was here...but again we just calmly explained things to her...kids are very very smart...communication seems to be a crucial key in helping them make this and really any adjustment in their lives.
Well now that I have rambled on an on...I will go..and hope this was a little help!
Lydia, My children were from 4-13 when i stopped going to meetings.iposed this very same question a few months back as they were having problems with it, Basically we've just talked about it all as and when things crop up.There is such a difference between them all, i usually talk to them individually.They did'nt mind the meetings as i wuold'nt make them stay if i felt it was getting boring, as i felt it would put them off; i also skirted over quite a lot i found distasteful e.g. sexism ,violence as i thought i'd deal with it when they were older... this has subsequently back fired on me though, as they have no bad memories; so i now have to start telling them all the stuff i was keeping from them! weird situation; but it's getting there! just keep plugging away; they'll see it for what it is in the end x
