I don't want to go !

by hubert 9 Replies latest jw friends

  • hubert

    I haven't posted in a long, long time, so many of you don't know me. I was never a J.W. One of my daughters is involved with them, and will be baptized soon.

    Anyway, it's my anniversary, 43 years today, (May 11), and my j.w. daughter calls me and wishes me a "Happy Anniversary", then invites my wife and I out on Sunday to "celebrate" it. I really don't want to go. Every Holiday, we get hurt because she and her hubby don't show up. Not even a call on Mother's Day, but oh, when it's our anniversary, we get the call. I am still hurt that she didn't even call her Mom on Mothers day, yet she wants to take us out for our anniversary. I just don't feel comfortable doing that. I mean, if they can't celebrate Mother's Day, why should they be allowed to celebrate anniversaries? It's basically the same thing.

    So, I don't know what to do. I feel like calling her and telling her in a nice way that I really don't feel comfortable doing this. It's just ridiculous. There's no sense to it at all. I'm tired of being hurt all the time, then getting a call and acting as if there's nothing wrong with this picture.

    Cheer me up? Any advice? Thanks.


  • DesirousOfChange

    What you are suggesting is hurtful revenge or antimosity. Sure, you may not agree with her attitude and actions, but retaliation will not help your relationship with your daughter. I would recommend that you display unconditional love and affection for your daughter, even if she fails to share your values on certain subjects (other holidays). You may very well come to find out someday in the future that your tolerance will be rewarded when her eyes are opened to the intolerance of her religious indoctrination.

  • TheClarinetist

    My heart goes out to the both of you. I for the most part agree with DoC, but you'll have to do what is best for you. The situation can't be easy... But she's still your daughter and loves you very much. The holidays don't make sense, especially to an outsider, but she still loves you even when she doesn't call on Mother's Day. It may just be you'll have to take whatever the crazy cult allows, which just happens to be Anniversaries.

  • tec

    I think she is doing the best she can for you, according to what the WT allows her to do.

    I know it hurts. But from the little you wrote, she isn't doing it to try and hurt you. If that were the case, then why would she bother with your anniversary?Please try not to take the rejection of other holidays as a rejection of you. She CAN do something for you on your anniversary, and she is. That tells me that she does care.

    For the record, I agree with you that being allowed to celebrate a wedding anniversary should be no different than celebrating Mother's day, or birthdays, etc. But a faithful JW isn't allowed to think that way, and they certainly aren't allowed to act on it.

    None of this means you can't tell her how you feel. You probably should. Something that tells her you understand her beliefs prevent her from certain holidays, but it does hurt you and your wife that she ignores days that most people use to show their love for their mothers and fathers.

    I am sorry for all of you. Keep loving her. I can't imagine that she has unconditional love from many people in her life.

    Peace and strength to you,


  • Nathan Natas
    Nathan Natas

    If you don't want to go, don't go.

    Better yet, tell your daughter you'll meet her at the restaurant, then take your wife somewhere else and have a nice time without the manipulative Dubishness.

  • hubert

    Thanks for all your kind replies. I know she and her hubby love us, and really want to do things with us. We do see them sometimes, but the Holiday things still hurt. I'll take your advice and go to dinner with them, but I have a tendency of putting my foot in my mouth, sometimes both of them, so I'll have to bite my lip and try real hard to let it all slide.

    I'll tell you what else happened...my other daughter, who is not and won't ever be a j.w. (thanks to me) called her j.w. sister and told her it was our anniversary, and my j.w. daughter told her thanks for telling her, and that she had forgot it was our anniversary, and don't know how she could have forgotten that. So, my non-j.w. daughter answered...."It's probably because you don't celebrate any other Holidays with us, so you didn't remember that one".

    That's what I would have loved to say, but won't. It did get me off the hook, so I am glad she told her that.

    Thanks for all the advice.


  • hubert

    Naw, Nathan, these other people are right. It would only show annimosity, and she'd dig herself deeper into the cult. Thanks anyway, Nate.


  • jean-luc picard
    jean-luc picard

    As an exjw, I understand both yours and your daughters stance.

    I am sure your daughter is delighted to be able to offer this sign of love and affection to you and your wife.

    Indeed, many many jw families celebrate their own anniversary. We used to make it a time to give gifts to our children.

    They are NOT ALLOWED to celebrate practically everything. So they jump on the very few occasions left.

    Please DONT "burn any bridges" with your daughter, but DO try and find the words to kindly explain your point of view.

    Dont expect her to change ( shes probably affraid to) but its good for you all to at least be open.


  • hubert

    Thanks, Jean, I'm going to take your advice, too.

    I do feel better. It did me good to get this off my chest, and read all your advice.


  • Retrovirus

    Hi Hubert,

    Like you, I'm not a jw but have family and friends in. I'm so glad you are keeping the door open for your daughter. I find it so hard to offer unconditional friendship and love in return for all the religious hints and manipulation - but then, it's what keeps us from being cult-minded ourselves in the end.

    All luck in your situation and hopefully one day she'll see the organisation as it really is.

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