I completely walked away. Took some time and a lot of emotional breakdown but I walked and faded away. Still fading actually. Haven’t been df'd nor have I da'd myself. I still wonder if I should, but honestly I don’t want to be bothered with the clown dance jury hearing. But idk.
I feel like I'm a real life MATRIX! Like I woke up and I want to go back for others.
All the stuff I’m learning about the org I just want to go and share this good news with all of them left in. Like I wanna use the teaching skills I learned from the JWs and reverse it on them.
It’s like a strong desire inside of me. Like a fire in my chest. LOL! (whoomp whoomp. Bible Fail! Who was it that said that?) I wanna shout it at the top of my lungs. LOL! I never felt this excited and zealous about service! HA!
But alas, I know not everybody will respond or listen. Probably get into an argument labeled and gossiped about. So what is that I should do? Cause I’m constantly thinking.
I’m just thinking about those 29- 40yr old single sister I know who are ok in the looks department and always overlooked, but they want a mate so bad. But no single brothers ever look their way. Usually it is only unless an elder’s wife slipped up and was caught giving a special kind oral review to another elder. Or if a nice wife dies and three months later the grieving hubby is on the hunt for ‘companionship’.
I think about my little cousins being raised as Witnesses. They get the smiles, the claps, and the positive reinforcement when they give ‘good’ comments or if they repeat bullshit they heard their parents tell them to say so that they make the parents look like they are raising their kids correctly.
My mom has a twin brother who just started having kids in his 40s. I’m about to be 24 . His 3 kids are all under the age of 6. His was old schooled raised by my grandma. My grandma had a sharecropper upbring and that’s how she and my grandpa raised my aunt, uncle, and my mom. So mix that old down south poor black mind set with a religion like JWs. OH MY THE DAMAGE THAT WAS DONE!
My uncle is an elder. A cool elder I would say, but still, he’s old school JW! I try to tell them nowthat they can always come to me. If they want to come over, they can. Even when they get big like me, I tell them. I say that all the time. I want them to remember now, I am there for them if they decide later they want to walk away. I can already tell it is going to rough for them.
I feel like later when I truly heal , cuz I’m still healing, I wanna open like a rescue mission for JWs as they are exiting. Like have shock blankets and group sessions and discuss our thoughts.
I told my brother that and we both laughed. But I’m serious I wanna be like a cross over point. Like a religious underground railroad or something. LOL!! Like I’ll welcome you with open arms and give you a hug and listen as you cry and talk.
I want my JW friends to wake up too. They are on what’s considered “the fringe”, barely hanging in there. We’re getting older. I feel like most of us our age are feeling like life is passing us up. We just sit and wait for THE END to come and that’s it. I think many of our ‘young one generation’ thought THE END would’ve happened already. And now we’re changing into the ‘single sister’ ‘single brother’ phase. Everybody is getting married and starting the born-in JW cycle all over.
And what’s next? We become brother boring with the ugly suits and sister gossip-so-much who nobody wants to be in a car group with in service. The next phase is the character type casting. That’s all we are; characters in the hall.
Honesty I had expected the paradise by time I turned 20 or so. So that way I didn’t have to get a job and slave away 40hrs a week in this world to make a living and still go to the meeting dog dead tired and force a smile. Ugh! I saw my mom doing that. I said I didn’t want that for me. Paradise will be here soon and I’ll be living the good life with my pet lion. No slaving for Satan! LOL. So much for that
I think my generation will have it hard the most- mentally speaking- to stay a JW. For those who actually think for themselves, everything that is on the internet is readily at our fingertips. Really what benefits is there to be being a JW? That is too much metal anguish to bear. Having your loyalty always questioned. Always trying to determine if you are normal because you are told you different.
Family, friends, own life, ownself-worth; asking who am I really? Am I what a magazine written from some men (who I’ll more than likely never meet cuz I’m worthy enough by bethel standard anyways) says that I am ? Or am I who I say I am?
I just feels like I’m getting stronger but I have a long healing process. I admit I still get anxious when someone brings up a topic of religion or even when I run into a JW friend. But each day I’m finding my voice!