Need advise... again...

by Expanded-Mind 8 Replies latest jw friends

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  Expanded-Mind

  Good morning...

  On Jan 3rd I posted that my son had recently contacted me and that I needed advice. Well, I need advice... again...

  I have been very cautious about speaking with my son (a JW) about anything religious and have even been careful about talking with my daughter-in-law (who is Catholic) about religion, but in a conversation I had with her a couple of weeks ago we had our first "real" conversation which included talking about why I left the JWs and learning more about her faith and perspectives. I did not intend to get into "religion" with her, but it was the normal flow of the conversation, since she is a very devout and active Catholic and through her own reading BEFORE we even talked she had come to the conclusion that the Watchtower is a “cult” (her words). The conversation was great, since prior to that, talk had been limited to family matters, the weather, work, etc. Afterward, when I was reflecting on the conversation I wondered if it would come back to bite me. Well it did.

  A week later, I called to talk to my son and he told me he had heard about the conversation I had with his wife and --- without opportunity to discuss why it happened --- he told me that didn't want me emailing or talking to her any longer. I tried to explain and he (apparently) hung up on me.

  I wrote an email to them asking for forgiveness for treading where I probably shouldn't have, but to no avail as far as my son is concerned. On the other hand, I have had a couple of emails from my daughter-in-law and think she will continue to keep in touch with me. Since this email my son had blocked me from sending him email.

  But now I wonder if I need to be cautious about what I say if indeed religion comes up again or if she has questions. As I said, she is well aware of issues with the Watchtower organization and --- from what she told me --- I know she has absolutely no interest in it at all. And I believe she wants to try and help him see the "light".

  Do I not talk about religion out of respect for my son, even if she wants to? How do I help her, if she needs it? As you can guess, I don't wish to get in the middle of anything. How do I handle it if the subject comes up? I should add that my son and his wife have a little daugher, my granddaughter, who will be raised Catholic. I am really hoping that I am not cut off from seeing her for any reason.

  To be honest, I am tired of the shunning and the walking on eggs with him (been doing this since he was a little kid, once he started standing up for his beliefs (even though I am fairly sure he was parroting his mother). Apparently he no longer attends the meetings, has mostly “worldly” friends and yes, married “outside the faith” of his own free will… somehow I am still the bad guy. Please understand that I love him to pieces and want to do whatever I can to help him, but sometimes I feel like a doormat. That’s just how I am feeling right now...

  Any suggestions and thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

  With gratefulness,

  Expanded-Mind
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  sleepingbeauty

  She has freeness of speech. If she wants to discuss JW's then carry on. He has to realise he can't control & manipulate her actions or that of yours. It is his free choice to cut you out of his life but he simply cant dictate that for everyone !
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  Black Sheep

  He is the one who ignored his church leaders and married a Catholic.

  Now he has to deal with the consequences.

  Neither you, or your DIL should accept responsibilty for his bad behaviour. You talk with your DIL as often as you like and about whatever you like. Just make sure that anything you say about JWs is easily documented in literature you can quickly get your hands on.

  If he wants to object, you and your DIL want the reasons clearly explained, documentation to support his position should be demanded for anything he says that is incorrect.

  Tread carefully

  Chris
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  GrandmaJones

  I really wish I had good advice, but these situations are so sticky, aren't they? You have been walking a tightrope so far, doing it pretty well. I would keep your own counsel. You best know how to handle it. Trust yourself.
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  Expanded-Mind

  Thanks for getting back to me Sleepingbeauty, Black Sheep and Grandma Jones! I really do appreciate your taking the time to respond!

  Expanded-Mind
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  Quentin

  Expanded-Mind

  Your his father. How he spoke to you was un-called for. I mean no disrespect toward you, your son, or your relationship. He may be a grown man, but the next time he gets unruley with you tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine. Myself, wife, 38 yr old daughter, two grand kids all live togather. My daughter, like your son, is an adult, comes , goes as she pleases, but I do not tolerate from her any disrespect toward my wife, or self.

  You had a private conversation with your DIL, if your son didn't like it tuff beans. Not like she is a jw who you were trying to convert from jw thinking. He's not a kid anymore, can do as he pleases, however whatever his age is he can show you respect. That's what he would demand from you. Works both ways.
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  Quandry

  I hope not, but in the future, your son may be planning to cut you off from your grandchild. It is vital that you continue your good relationship with your daughter-in-law so that it does not happen.

  Your poor son doesn't realize that since he is not going to the Khall he is largely viewed the same as you (deserving to be shunned) as they are getting more hard-lined about non-meeting attenders. I am wondering if his anger doesn't go deeper...perhaps feelings of abandonment as a child? If this is the case, maybe he's using the shunning to punish you.

  Hope you can get things worked out. What a loving organization is the WTS.
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  whathappened

  I, too think the reason your son is behaving this way is because of something deeper. What's on the surface is not always the root of the matter. Something has happened, either real or imagined. I would try to get to the root of this matter and try to clear this up. Be humble, even if you haven't done anything wrong. Perhaps your daughter in law can ask some penetrating questions to your son and find out for you. If she is interested in healing this wound, she will be your greatest allie.
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  DanaBug

  I totally agree with the above posts. Something else: your son is in an optimum position, imo, to get out. He's not involved in the indoctrination sessions, he has friends outside, his wife is aware that this is a cult. When he acts likes that towards you, does his wife point it out to him, how unreasonable and unloving it is? She can ask how he would feel as a parent if their child were to do the same. She can be like a mirror for him that reflects back his behavior and he may not like what he sees; eventually, he might identify what causes him to act like that and then he might change it. And we all know what the cause is. How do people who are in cults react when someone says they're in a cult? I think you've got a good opportunity here, better than most have; use it to your advantage.