Do you notice a difference in new relationships out of 'the truth'?

by New light for you 8 Replies latest jw friends

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  New light for you

  Its 3 years since I (we) left, we somehow didn't have a committee or anything, but were able to leave with NO friends, but still able to have contact with my JW mom.

  In these 3 years of "learing" how to get and have friends that aren't witnesses its been quite the learning curve. How do you meet people? start conversations? ask for phone numbers? when do you invite someone to your house? All these things are questions we've been navigating and been doing well. I do notice though something. There is a big difference in the "Connection" I have with my new friends as to my prior witness friends. The friends I had.. I know it wasn't 'unconditional' because in the end the left me because I had doubts... but all of us know when you're 'in' ... my girlfriends... i still cry if i run into them in a store. There is NOTHING like my old friends. There was such a love and connection, we would have done anything for each other, we didn't EVER have issues, we took care of each others kids, we were their for each others births, and in my heart they were going to be with me forever, and I didn't need any 'worldy family or friends' ever. Ok. Skip to 3 years later, now, its only 3 years-yes. The family i used to shun has accepted us back with open arms and I love them dearly.. but as for 'friends', its just not the same. There is that always feeling of 'if your kids upsets my kids we could leave you and never see you again, there is nothing holding us together'.

  I was just wondering if anyone else felt this. Now dont give me this "those witnesses didn't love you because they only loved you in the truth" i know that.. but I lived my life with these people and felt the love, i do understand that they are in a cult and their judgement is very marred, but they loved me.
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  artemis.design

  I don't particurarly notice the difference, but I have realised I have been drifting away from the friends I have knows for 15 years or so. I guess Ive just been busy with my own life. It does make me sad sometimes though. When we were in our early 20's we would see each other 2 or 3 times a week, now its 2 or 3 times a year.
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  peacefulpete

  If we have 1 or 2 good friends in life we are lucky. Starting as an adult with limited time for socializing and "hanging out" adds to the difficulty of connecting with somone deeply. Good friends are every bit as hard to find as marriage mates.

  It is also possible that you are slightly idealizing the past. It is normal.
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  mamalove

  I think it depends on your age, and social patterns. I was able to make friends at work, being single I have been able to date, so I have met lots of nice people that way and make more friends. To make friends, I think do acts of kindness, be concerned with people and just start talking and get to know people. Join a club that you have for a hobby maybe? Or some kind of volunteer work? Do you have a job, what about colleagues?
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  confuzzled777

  We have always had friends "inside" and "out". My BFF and I met at work 19 years ago. We have been in and out of each others lives over the years, but always had a connection. Since she lost her mom 3 years ago and I was df'd 1 year ago we have become inseperable. She truly loves me unconditionally as a friend and I the same for her. I NEVER had a connection like that with my witness friends.

  I know where you are coming from with your friends in the org. Especially if you never felt like you had to find friends elsewhere. Being disfellowshipped though I have to say that my warm and fuzzy feeling toward my witness friends is not there as it used to be. Do I miss them? Yep sometimes so bad it hurts! Can I live without them? You bet!! My "close" witness friends have not even so much as texted me or e-mailed me to find out how I am doing......Yes I know it is because they think they are doing it out of love for me......but come on. I must not have meant as much to them as I thought.

  Personally, I have found making friends who are not witnesses is actually MUCH easier. I know that from the beginning I will not be judged if I swear, miss a meeting or don't make my 10 hours in the service. We have open discussions about religion, politics, kids, and relationships without being worried as to whether or not we will offend each other because we think differently on a certain subject, especially religion. I can have a drink with them without fear of being turned in for excessive drinking, I can go to a rated R movie with them and be fine with it. SO many reasons that I find my non witness friends SO much better than my witness friends.

  We have met most of our non witness friends over the years through work or through my DH's brother and his now x-wife. Most recently I have met some AMAZING women through scrapbooking/paper crafting. When I was df'd I poured myself into my hobby/small business and attended/held more crops, workshops and monthly groups. I now have lifelong friends from it.

  Have you ever heard of Meetup.com? I am not sure how widespread it is, but I ran across it and set up my own scrapbook group. I have met and become good friends with quite a few from that group. We started out going to crops together and now we have "girls" days where we see a movie and go have dinner and drinks after. Something that I RARELY did with the witness friends in the cong. Was not usually included in that kind of stuff. Meetup as MANY different groups that meet because of a common thread. Maybe you could search out something like that near you.

  I wish you the best in your search for friendships......it can be heartbreaking at times but mostly rewarding. Hang in there......
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  Giordano

  Hi New Light,

  We left decades ago so from that perspective I can look back and identify the necessary factors that allowed us to develop solid friendships many of which have survived the test of time.

  The first thing that happened was that we decided to reconnect with past friends who had also walked away from the JW life. Our common interest, living as ex JW'S, provided a base that allowed for a friendship to grow. We knew what they had experienced and the same was true for them. It's funny but it only takes one or two people to start feeling normal again.

  Having something in common is a definite factor.

  Our work life also provided opportunities for new relationships. Once again we had something in common.

  In thinking about it.............. TIME also played an important part. It's easier to make good friends if you have an opportunity to spend time together in a setting that is natural.

  Volunteering has also proved to be a great way to meet and get to know people. I sit on a local non profit board, we meet once a month and a couple of times a year we do a fundraiser, provide some educational programs etc. Many of those board members have become good friends. When you are in the company of other highly motivated people who want to contribute to a worthwhile cause it is easier to develop relationships.

  I also invite people I am interested in to join me for lunch. That can be a great ice breaker.

  As far as hobbies go I play chess once a week with a group. Seeing the same people over a period of time allows for a friendship or two to start.

  My take away from this is that you need something in common, something that brings people together and enough time to allow a relationship to grow.
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  jamiebowers

  Just as it took time to develop close friendships with jws, it will also take time with "worldly" people. The difference between long term witness and "worldly" relationships is that a few of your "worldly" ones will last a lifetime.
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  ele_lux

  To be perfectly honest, i do miss my witness friends at times. I think it's easier to find a good witness friend, than a good worldly friend. I also travel a lot and never used to worry about accomodation. You can't deny it's harder to crash on a worldly stranger's home than a witness stranger....
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  joeblow

  None of the people I call friends are JWs. I don't miss the "friendship" of the JWs who I used to think of as my friends... I realised that the friendship was purely because they felt an obligation to be friends, and nothing more. When I moved away from where they live, the friendship immedately stopped - they don't even rate as aquantances. Non-JW friends kept in touch, and even now... over 15 years later, they (the non-JW friends) still call to chat, send emails etc.

  It takes work to build up friendships.. but like jamiebowers said, the "worldly" ones will last a lifetime

  @ele_lux: crashing on a sofa is easy :-) I've done it in several places... China, Uganda, France etc. All with people I've never met before except through the Couchsurfing website.