Skeptnostistian Bible: Chapter 1

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    The Book of "It Starts"

    Chapter 1

    1. In the beginning, there was Energy, or Prime Force.

    2. Eventually, that Energy became aware of itself. It decided to call itself "God".

    3. And God said, "How awesome am I?" But there was no one answering him; no one and nothing else existed. God sat there, floating in what may or may not have been dark matter of some sort. God hasn't cared enough to reveal the details of that part, so we're just guessing here.

    4. God floated there for like, millennia. Aeons.

    5. Dude. It was a very, long, time.

    6. Then God said, "Jesus, this sucks!" And suddenly, another energy form was born!

    7. "Hi," the Energy said. "I'm Jesus. How are you? Who are you, in fact? Are you my Father?"

    8. "Yes," God said. "So far, I've learned that I'm awesome, that inexplicably, stuff shows up when I say its name, like you just did, and that I'm your Father. It's been a good week."

    9. "So," Jesus said, "what happens now?"

    10. "I guess we can float here for awhile," God said.

    11. "Why float," Jesus said, "when you can float in style, on a throne?" Two thrones appeared, one for the Father, and another for his Son, Jesus.

    12. "Hey! That's great," God said, taking his throne. "Does it recline?"

    13. "Uh, yes?" Jesus said. And look! The thrones reclined!

    14. "Wow," Jesus said. "I seem to have power, too. Do you mind if I make lots more awesome stuff, in the image of your awesomeness?"

    15. "Well, technically, that was my idea, as I made you, and you want to make other stuff, extension, it's my idea. How about we start with making a bunch of drones to handle our light work? I think I'll call them...angels."

    16. And look! Angels showed up! Like, billions, and billions of angels!

    17. "Holy angels!" Jesus said. "Take off my slippers!" At that, slippers appeared on Jesus feet, as they had just been created. The angels then took off Jesus' slippers.

    18. "Socks," Jesus said. "Space is cold." And socks appeared, just as Jesus had proclaimed.

    19. "This is great and all," God said, "But we need to make some progress beyond a throne, socks, and billions of drones to take off said socks. How about like, a bagillion, gazillion, like, infinity of expanding stars! Let there be stars! A whole lot of stars! Let them expand, in the style of a very large explosion!"

    20. And look! A large bang happened! Stars, including the Kedar constellation, and the Kimah constellation, and a whole lot of other constellations were born.

    21. And God saw it, and it was good. "It's like butter, baby," God said. And look! Butter!

    22. "You know, you could've made bread first," Jesus said. And look! Bread! "Wow. That never gets old. Hmm. If only there was a way to combine butter and bread, some means of putting the butter on the bread without soaking the bread. Hmm. What to do here? I got it. How about a knife? A...butter knife?"

    23. And the butter knife appeared. And there came to be evening, and there came to be morning, a first day. Time began, with the buttering of the very first slice of bread in heaven.

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