There is a book that by its many pages
Brings faithful slaves and Popes to humankind.
Its meaning's subject to interpretations
That can at times truly screw with your mind.
This often-misused book is called the Bible--
'Twas written long ago and then compiled
By men who've shaped 2,000 years of thinking
So GB members can live life in style!
It tells about a man that we call Adam
And how his smoking hot wife known as Eve
Prepared a sinful meal as apple strudels--
For by a talking snake she was deceived.
Then Adam looked at her and became horny--
Sinful thinking caused his mind to be defiled.
Jehovah kicked him out of his new home, he
Then made a bunch of bad kids and expired!
Now as we read this book, the Holy Bible,
Know that it was not written straight to us
But rather to Jehovah's fine anointed,
To whom we give our unquestioning trust.
These righteous men and women will rule over
The crowd of other sheep who will survive
Are we not glad to know of them through Jesus
For through these king-priests we'll be made alive!
[District overseer steps to podium] Heavenly Father, Jehovah...we have heard much of you, much of your anointed Son, much of your organization today, which keeps moving ever forward. We are...ever so thankful that you have blessed our 85% eaten hoagies and three-quarters empty Sprite cans. Some of the friends have...already commented on how fresh their food remained throughout the session, and we know that...we owe it all to you.
We thank you for the fine drama that was held today, about the importance of loyalty to your organization in all matters, really, but especially in regards to entertainment. We...expect that the friends will take away valuable lessons, and that those with TiVo, or perhaps with iPhones, iPads, or Android-related technology will, if they have not already, delete their half-watched episodes of "True Blood", "The Vampire Diaries", and also their movies "Twilight", "Twilight: Blue Moon", "Twilight: Eclipse", and "Vampires Suck". We also pray that these satanic pieces of technology be sold, and the proceeds given to the Worldwide Work. Yes, Father, let them send their hard-earned resources to the Society, which....clearly knows how to make better use of them.
We look forward to seeing Part 2 of the video series, Jehovah's Witnesses: Faith In Action, which is now, thankfully, available in the Blu-ray format, so that the friends can relive the 1919-1942 era in high definition. The faithful slave has, with the help of your spirit, perfected the means to create inexpensive High Definition movies for our sake--but really, it is for your sake, Jehovah, as it is you who gets the praise for theocratic programs made available in the, uh, HD format. May you help those of us who earn enough to own HD televisions to use this opportunity to...invite the friends over, especially the visiting brothers and Bethelites and missionaries, to watch these Blu-ray discs you have provided. No doubt, uh, many who have been in lands where it is hard to find a...radio within a 20-mile radius will appreciate such loving hospitality.
Jehovah, we pray also for our young sisters. No doubt they paid close attention to the drama today and may be...finding themselves struggling because all the best looking brothers are either married, disfellowshipped, or closeted homosexuals--whom you especially condemn, though you also welcome them if they are loyally controlling their feelings until the new system, when they will no longer have immoral, gay feelings--we pray that you will strengthen our sisters. Please help them to know that that brother who may look like a turtle, yet is loyal to your organization, is by far the better choice than eloping with the fringe baptized publisher who has been through three different sisters already, each of them being on private reproof and yet having covered for him because they're still secretly in love with him.
Jehovah, let them remember the danger of worldly men like Shechem, who of course, though they may appear to be gainfully employed in this system of things, may even be clean-shaven, and might not appear to be wicked, are most certainly serial rapists who will give our dear innocent sisters the date rape drug and then abandon them, reeking of fornication and of loathsome disease, only to have our sisters return to the congregation, appropriately inform the presiding overseer of their STDs in harmony with the Organized to Accomplish Jehovah's Will book's instructions, and of course, having to end up marrying outside of the truth anyway, because everyone in the congregation will know of their STDs, no doubt because they told others themselves, not because the elder told his wife and his wife told everyone else.
Jehovah, would it not be wiser, would it not be safer, to stay loyal to your arrangements and marry only in the Lord? Certainly our dear sisters here realize that now, having seen the drama. So we thank you for that, and pray that our dear sisters will wear shawls to cover their immodest skirts and jackets to cover their slender, supple, voluptous, unspoiled, virgin bodies so as not to prove a temptation to our dear brothers--or even, dare I say, our dear sisters who may have immoral, lesbian desires they are fighting.
Jehovah, we thank you also for helping us to see the need to teach our children to love the organization as they love you, to place nothing in their lives--not friendships, not family, not higher education, not entertainment, nor anything else, not even their own lives--above your lofty organization. We especially pray for children with disfellowshipped parents, as this is a horrible trial for them to endure. May the children learn from the shunning of their parents, that...obedience to you and your organization means more than familial ties.
Jehovah, may you help them, when they become of age, to leave their parents' homes and escape the bad influence of their apostate parents, just as Korah's sons separated themselves from his camp and watched him fall into a hole and then be crushed by one of your mighty seismic activities. May you help such children to similarly rejoice upon the imminent deaths of their wicked parents, rather than being swept away alongside them at Armageddon. Loyalty to your organization is the only thing that makes such a wonderful reality possible. So we thank you for your organization, for the Governing Body, and for Jesus' giving the Governing Body all theocratic authority on earth and the glorious expectation of receiving similar all-encompassing authority in heaven in your due time.
We pray for the single mothers in our midst, some of whom chose to behave immorally and had to be removed from our midst and then repented, only to be viewed judgmentally for the rest of their unmarried lives in amongst your clean people. Please help them to teach their daughters not to repeat their mothers' immoral mistakes and to not imitate their mothers' no doubt immodest dress and lackluster field service. May you also help single elders, ministerial servants, and male pioneers to steer clear of such sisters, knowing the inevitable emotional baggage they could bring into a marital union. This would merely hinder our dear brothers from accomplishing your will and limit their usefulness to the faithful and discreet slave.
Jehovah, may you help these single mothers to...cover themselves up, keep their legs closed, and engage in the regular pioneer work for decades. Only then, Father, might you reward them with a faithful Christian husband who will surely avoid allowing two witnesses to see him physically beating her or subjecting her to unclean sexual practices. So, we thank you for these loyal, Christian men who are unlike the 'Tiger Woods class' of men out in the world. Or for that matter, we thank you that our Christian husbands are not like Marv Albert, Kobe Bryant, Bill Clinton, or men who are similarly satanic philanderers and perverts. May you annihilate all such men shortly.
Jehovah, we have waited for the end of this system of things for...at least since 1874, when the Lord Jesus was, evidently at that time, believed to be invisibly present. We are thankful that you progressively enabled the faithful slave, who at that time was Charles Taze Russell [clears throat] and his associates [clears throat again], and later Joseph F. Rutherford and his associates, to see that Jesus was not invisibly present at that time, but rather 40 years later, in 1914. So, it has been more than 96 years that we have waited for your Son and the resurrected anointed ones to take vengeance on behalf of your great name. And...it...hasn't happened yet. May you help us to appreciate that if anything, it was our understanding that failed us, certainly nothing that you ever promised, and certainly nothing that the faithful slave repeatedly promised in your name.
You are the Fulfiller of promises, Jehovah, and all those scripturally irrelevant dates, like 1874, 1878, 1881, 1920, 1925, 1975, the generation of those who were 10 years old around 1914, the generation of those who were 15 years old around 1914, and the generation of those who were born in 1914--all of those misunderstandings on the part of some of your Witnesses--and especially how these events are misinterpreted by apostates who disloyally abandon you--these things say nothing about you, Jehovah. You have fulfilled Bible prophecies in our time, as certainly there has never been crime, poverty, war, disease, or earthquakes at any other time in human history that was even remotely worth talking about. Also, at no other time has there been a faithful slave class in place during your Son's invisible presence as there has been since 1919. These are remarkable fulfillments of prophecy, and we thank you for enabling us to break out our Watchtowers, our calculators, our pyramid blueprints--at one time in the very distant past--and of course our Bibles to understand these things.
And so, Jehovah, as we prepare to head home today--or to our respective hotel rooms that were on the Recommended Lodging List that we called to reserve during business hours and most certainly were not given away the night we arrived at the convention city in the pouring rain--may you help us not to overcrowd certain restaurants. May you help us not to be gluttons at Outback Steakhouse, Applebee's, Ruby Tuesday's, The Great American Steak Escape, or Piccadilly's.
Jehovah, may you help our single brothers to avoid frequenting Hooters or being tempted by adult stores that sell pornography and filthy masturbation toys--and especially help them to avoid even looking at the billboards on the highway that advertise the local gentlemen's clubs. May you help these single young men to, should they engage in some limited recreation at their hotel's swimming pools, wear modest swim attire while at the hotels so as not to attract any worldly visiting, cougar-like women who might seek to "get their groove back" by violating our chaste young men. May you help these young men, if they are somehow grabbed by immoral, worldly women and pulled into their hotel rooms to imitate the example of young Joseph and 'get away naked' if they must, even be arrested for public exposure rather than risk violating Jehovah's law by committing fornication.
Of course, as the Proverb says, "Shrewd is the one who has seen the calamity and proceeds to conceal himself." So may you help our young brothers to quickly get to their hotel rooms and lock and bolt the doors behind themselves to prevent any immoral forays on the part of the licentious, voluptuous, Jezebel-like women of this world. And if, unfortunately, any of our Christian sisters should prove themselves as that type of woman, may our dear brothers keep clear of such ones and report their immoral inclinations to the elders--and if necessary, the convention overseer--immediately, so that we can protect ourselves from contaminating, worldly influences.
May we not forget the older ones, Jehovah. May we show our appreciation for the decades of streetwork and deep commenting and Bible studies that these elderly ones have accomplished with your help. May we make sure that, no matter how sickly they are, they are helped to be present at as many meetings as possible. If they should become inactive, due to illness, Jehovah, may we frequently remind them of how very much they USED to contribute to your organization and reassure them of the hope that once they have died, and in some cases finished their earthly course--though that's unlikely, as no anointed one could ever prove inactive for any reason in your service--that their reward awaits them in the new system, where they can enjoy many lifetimes' worth of full-time, active, loyal service to your eternal organizational arrangement.
We pray, finally, that you will forgive us of our sins, though not that you will fail to file them away at Bethel if they were disfellowshipping offenses, of course, as that would be contrary to your theocratic order. We are thankful that you do not recall our sins until it is time for us to receive special privileges in the congregation, and at such times, only unverified child molesters or those who have recently moved into our area to escape false, apostate accusations of such misconduct will be permitted to serve your organization in greater capacities.
After all, without two witnesses, there is no sin. I could probably stab an apostate's heart out and store it in my refrigerator for DECADES, so long as two witnesses did not see it. Perhaps, someday, if it is not immodest of me to ask, Jehovah, may you move the faithful and discreet slave class to recommend such direct, zealous action against all apostates who oppose your sovereignty.
We thank you once more for your undeserved kindness, and please, may you bless us all--that is, all of us who are legitimately worthy of your blessing, actively earning at least 10 hours in the field ministry every month, regularly present and participating at the meetings, assemblies, and district conventions such as this one. Let us not excuse even the most ailing and cancer-ridden among us of that requirement, as the ability to report .5 hours is really necessary only to permit such ones to report 9.5 hours at the lowest, if they must. They should consider worldly nurses or worldly relatives who visit them as an opportunity to proclaim the warning of Armageddon while receiving their necessary sponge bath, and may you bless our older ones as they do so.
We ask all these things in the name of the one who appointed the faithful and discreet slave class and will serve as co-ruler alongside them, the One out of the nearly complete class of 144,001 Kings of your Kingdom, Jesus Christ, Amen.
--sd-7