Watchtower Humor from Check_Your_Premises
Fuzzy Right-of-Way Rules Leads to Pathetic, Awkward, Theocratic Dork FightAPUPI - Idaho
"There were Watchtowers and Osmond CDs strewn around everywhere," recalled the shaken resident Marjorie Spade, whose yard was the setting for a lame, sissy fight. "I couldn't believe that in this day and age we still are fighting religious wars," she said in the aftermath of the flailing, ineffectual fracas.
Apparently the outbreak of faith-based nerd violence took place when two groups of youths approached each other while out in their respective ministries. "We saw these young ones riding toward us on bikes with neck ties and book bags," recalled the pimply Jerome Triesnottowackoff. "We knew right away they were Morm-ons" he continued, emphasizing the final "o" in Mormon with the short vowel pronunciation. "We know we have the truth, so there was no way we were going to step aside, they were the ones who were going to have to move out of the way," his voice cracking in pubescent fury.
"They started saying all sorts of stuff about Joseph Smith being a nut, and that Brigham Young wasn't his name but how he instructed his followers to bring him prospective wives," recalled Jebediah Hosannah, one of the shaken Mormon combatants. "We started saying how the Osmonds were way better than the Jackson 5," he continued. That is when the exchange boiled over over into an an awkward attempt at exchanging of blows, according to witnesses.
Nobody was sure who tried to throw the first sissy slap, but "Back packs and cheap faux leather bags were just flying everywhere," explained Jerry Jasper, a local eyewitness of the harrowing scene.
According to witnesses, that is when the things turned grisly. After no blows were landed, one of the youthful holy warriors ran awkwardly into a mail box as he retreated in terror. His necktie snagged, throwing him violently to the ground where he received a slight abrasion that almost broke the skin.
"I think we really represented Jehovah," said youthful fighter Harold AfraidImgay. "Those guys will know to stay off our turf." Mormon gladiator, Ezekiel Israel, was just as defiant, "Those guys know they better watch it if we see them again."
"It seems this troubled area will have no hope for peace. An outbreak of bloodless, dorky attempts at violence can happen anytime," said Marjorie Spade in reference to the uncoordinated, geeky girlyfight. She sadly concluded, "We may never see peace in our time."
Vegetables on Front Porch Cause Uproar of Scandal and Intrigue for Local KH
APUPI - Illinois
Local JW Susan Estrogen recalls her horror when she first saw the large, orange vegetables on the porch. "There I was between breaks while out on field service when I saw it! I saw it way down the street, and the horror grew as I slowly approached the house of Sister Duffy. I just couldn't believe my eyes."
Five minutes later the entire congregation had been notified. A special meeting of the local body of elders was called while they were on break from their jobs at the carwash to assess the situation and decide just what must be done. "We knew that Sister Duffy had an unbelieving husband, so we weren't sure if he put them there or if she did." Elder Looksatporn shook his head in sad disbelief as he recounted the harrowing tale. "We decided it must be her husband who did it, which disappointed us greatly. We like Sister Duffy's husband, although he does work far too hard at his job. He wasted all sorts of time in college and on his career. We hope there isn't a problem with his wife because we really like driving around in her vehicle for service. It has leather seats and a DVD player."
Fortunately, their worst fears were found to be unfounded. The entire body of elders called in late to work at the carwash. They waited in their car for Sister Duffy's husband to leave for work so they could go over and visit with her. There was a great deal of difficulty in figuring out how to best approach the door without getting to close to the demonized vegetables. The method decided upon was to hold up several copies of the Watchtower to shield themselves as they passed the horrific spectacle. After asking Sister Duffy several hundred questions regarding the offending autumnal legumes, it was determined that her husband had in fact placed the dastardly, decorative foodstuffs. To their relief she was also horrified and had been forced to jump out a window to leave for the meeting. She was relieved when they gave her permission to use the Watchtower-Bodyshield method when leaving the house. "Between those and the cast on her leg, she should be fine," said the PO Brother Ogleschildren.
Some in her car group were not so sure. Sister Thinkshesanelder shook her head sadly, "I just think I have to consider Sister Duffy a bad association now. Sure she can hold up Watchtowers when she walks by on crutches, but with those demonic, spherical offerings to pagan harvest gods so close, how can we be sure? Evil must be radiating through the very walls of the house!" Sisters Valiumhag and Xanax nodded their heads in somber agreement.
After several more hours of discussion while on afternoon break at the carwash, it was decided that nothing directly could be done to force Sister Duffy's husband to remove the despicable satanic gourds since he was not baptized. It was decided that everyone would continue to be extra nice and only talk about him behind his back. When they see him they are to say, "Oh, I see you have your holiday decorations up." A special meeting was held to communicate the proper course of action to the congregation.
Although it was a dark day for the local Kingdom Hall, they were able to overcome with the help of Jehovah and The Watchtower. Sister Duffy also is overcoming the trauma. She is hoping the extra $100 in gas and additional 500 miles on his vehicle while out in service will help him to see her dedication to Jehovah. Only by setting this example can she hope to make him see the folly of placing decorative, themed food offerings to Satan. Her dream is that someday he will quit clinging to all these salient and irrefutable points regarding the flawed blood doctrine and simply submit to Jehovah's arrangement.
Police Convinced "Brochure Murders" the Work of Badly Dressed Serial Killer
APUPI - Sheboygan, WI
Police made a significant breakthrough this week in a perplexing string of murders with the help of forensic science.
For years now police have been befuddled by a series of murders that have followed the same pattern. The victims are all found at their door in a very advanced state of decay with a brochure filled with inane, indecipherable gibberish in their hand.
"At first we focused on the brochures. We brought in experts of cyphertext, encryption, and even dead languages to see if they offered any useful information. They never were able to. In fact, every time we thought they were getting close they would simply fall asleep out of sheer boredom. We didn't know what to do!", explained Detective Harris.
The breakthrough came when renowned FBI profiler John Douglas came in to review the case. Despite all his experience, he was particularly disturbed by the diseased mind of this cold-blooded killer. The profile he produced is as follows:
1. Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them
5. Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired
6. Conventional appearance
7. Goal of enslavement of their victim(s)
8. Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life
9. Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim's affirmation (respect, gratitude and love)
10 Ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim
11 Incapable of real human attachment to another
12. Unable to feel remorse or guilt
13. Extreme narcissism and grandiose sense of purpose
He continued, "This is basically a person with no hope in this life. They don't have any retirement, and most likely hold a menial job. They wear cheap suits, and unpolished soft-soled dress shoes. This person most likely drives a four-door vehicle." Strangely he was unable to determine the gender of this diabolical criminal. He even opened the frightening prospect that this individual might not be working alone. An unnamed source said that there is even evidence that they are bringing their children with them to commit these crimes.
He then went on to recommend a set of forensic tests. These proved to be key. What they revealed was a set of chemicals released in the brain that indicate a torturous level of boredom. Tests on the lungs showed toxic levels of chemicals related to extreme halitosis. These effects combine to produce an extremely slow, painful death, and the emaciated, haunting corpses police have been finding at doorsteps all across town. "I have seen 2000 year old mummies in better shape" explained Detective Harris when he described the horrifying crime scenes.
"So what we have here is some sort of psychopath of the most despicable form, who is going around to the most vulnerable among us. The victims are people who are looking for answers, or maybe just need someone to talk to. Then this heinous killer preys on them. They subject them to a slow, agonizing, and gruesome death that simply cannot be imagined. They literally suck the life out of them" explained John Douglas. "Now that we have a better idea of what we are looking for, we have some hope of catching this killer before they strike again."
"Until then I recommend that if someone you don't know comes to your door unannounced, dressed in a cheap suit, carrying a bag full of brochures, that you do not open that door under any circumstance! Your very life may be at stake!"
Local Worldies Get Night of Payback for Entire Year of Pesky Door-Knocking
(Halloween Night 2006)
APUPI - Pensacola
"They just won't stop knocking" gasped local elder John Swollenliver as he described the relentless barrage of trick-or-treaters beating on his door. "Why do they keep knocking on the door! They keep knocking and knocking and knocking and knocking and knocking!" shrieked elder Swollenliver as he descended into madness.
"We know you are in there!!! Don't you want to give us some tracts!!! How about a free, home-based bible study!!! C'mon invite me to a convention!!!" cried out the angered focus of the local life-saving preaching work.
"Those bastards woke me up every Saturday last summer" explained the father of young Ralphie Snipple. "Yeah, little Ralphie wanted to be a power ranger, but I knew that wouldn't scare the crap out of those damn door-knockers, so I had him dress like Ray Franz!!!".
Apparently Ralphie enjoyed the opportunity for a little payback as well, "Ok, like first of all, they would always interrupt my Saturday cartoons." he explained. "But the thing that really got me pissed was when my friend Johnny Spewack's mom joined this bunch. Now he can't ever play cuz he is always at some meeting. He says if it wasn't for me sneaking him some of my candy he would just snap. What a bunch of crap!" He continued to beat on elder Swollenliver's door shouting, "Hey we got a smurf out here!"
Despite the all the cowering by Jehovah's chosen people in the face of the horrifying persecution of small, festive children asking for candy, some are not so easily intimidated.
On the other side of town, Sister Cantfindabrother is more resolute, "ok, those little demonic bastards can enjoy their night of striking fear into the hearts of the friends, but for the next 364 days, their little rotting-at-Armageddon asses are mine!" she said washing down her anti-depressant pills with her fifth rum and coke. "I will start a study with your mothers and convince them that Jehovah doesn't want you to play little league. Next year you little minions of satan-the-devil will be carrying a service bag instead of a trick or treat bag" she shrieked and cackled maniacly into the night before passing out repeatedly mumbling, "What a world, what a world, what a world".