......I really did. I wanted to go and to do it for Jehovah and Jesus and what they've done for me. I wanted it to be a personal thing between them and I. I haven't been to a meeting in close to a year, not that anyone notices or cares. This isn't my first stint away, and nobody would notice or care if I was found dead. That whole "love" thing that JW's claim to own the rights to and be identified by is certainly not theirs alone, nor is it their's predominantly. Anyway, I know that if I go I'm going to get lots of insensitive and rude comments, among some that seem sincere and caring, at least as long as I make the effort to be in their presence. Otherwise they don't care.
So, I prayed about it as the time neared. I wanted to go, but I was starting to get anxious about doing so. I wanted to leave it in Jehovah's hands, and I told him in prayer that if he didn't want me to go to make it plain to me. Well, that night I got this really weird weather alert text on my phone, so loud that it woke me up. I've had this phone for a long time and never received such an alert. I didn't know it was the phone, but instead got up and looked outside. We were having severe weather, and it was truly an other worldly noise. Eventually I pieced it together in my 2:00AM haze. However, then I couldn't go back to sleep for a couple of hours, another thing that was out of the ordinary. Usually I fall asleep with ease. I then woke up for work really horribly, a rough start to the day. I was honestly in a mood to rip someone's head off when I woke up, not conducive to walking into a Kingdom Hall to be met with judgement. The clincher was when someone in the hall called to let us know that they were going into a similar business as us and that if we had some extra work we could give it to them. Not to see if we were still alive, not to encourage us in any way, not someone that has contacted us in years, but someone that just wanted us to give them business.
I had my answer right there. No way was I going last night. I had a headache when I woke up, felt horrible, hated people, and then one of them calls for their own selfish gain because none of them actually care about anything but themselves. In the words of Ruckley from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, "f-f-f-f fuck em all"!
I wanted to go. I wanted to be the bigger man when I went, to be pleasant to people even though they've hurt me deeply over my life. I left it in Jehovah's hands, and he told me that it wasn't for me. What is? I don't know, but I do know that when I put things in His hands I usually get an answer if I'm patient. I had a couple of out of the ordinary things happen in a matter of hours. But I know that those humans that I've tried so hard to fit into over the years, that have treated me so poorly, can all go jump off a cliff. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me umpteen times, shame on me, and fuck you for being toxic. I'm done trying.