How do people that are reinstated overcome the resentment

by troubled mind 9 Replies latest jw friends

  • troubled mind
    troubled mind

    What if you were df'd for along time ,say over 10 yrs ,and you were totally shunned by family that whole time . Do you ever come to terms with the resentment of how family treated you ?

    Has anyone here successfully got back in just to gain family ,and then faded or never got active after that ? Did family still associate ?

  • brotherdan

    It's a good question. My dad has been an elder for over 20 years and he has told me that the majority of people that get reinstated tell the elders that it was helpful to them in getting their life together. He says that there are far more that are grateful for the disfellowshiping than the ones that are bitter about it.

    I really don't know if I can believe that. I would feel betrayed by everyone that I thought loved me.

  • cyberjesus

    I think that those who go back in with the blinders still on will always say they are grateful and appreciative of God's discipline. That is a requirement to go back. Do you think they will reinstate them if they say in the hearing they are really bitter? the elders will tell them they need to repent more.

  • LongHairGal

    The only time I would EVER be resentful towards somebody who is reinstated would be if it were a pedophile who is reinstated OR a brother who did something really serious and got a comparative slap on the wrist. The problem I would have with the pedophile is that they are not really 'cured' and the congregation is still in danger because this man's problem is kept secret from the very people who should know about it - young families with children!!

    Meanwhile, some sister who is out for fornication is rejected when she tries to apply for reinstatement. I see a pattern of men being 'forgiven' for really serious things - whereas a woman who slips up for 'forna' is treated really badly.

    Gee, I wonder if this is because there is a shortage of men and they 'need' brothers but don't give a rat's ass about women ???


    Most shunned people, that still believe the JW myth, are so thankful to be accepted back into the fold that they become stronger in 'the truth' than before.

    The have had a taste of what it is like to be made to stand outside the classroom in shame and isolation.

    Once reinstated they want to stay as close to the center of their peer group as is in-humanly possible. Such is the way of group mentailty and being part of the fold.

  • troubled mind
    troubled mind

    The situation I am talking about is a person well aware the Society is NOT God's precious little gem . They also know the little games that must be played in order to get back in good graces . I am sure they know better than to reveal their true feelings to the Elders .

    Clearly they are hurt by the shunning family applied to them ........How does the reinstated one ever get over that hurt or do they ?

    LongHair Gal , I was refering to the reinstated one having resentment ,not other people towards them .

  • Palimpsest

    Something I always noticed was that most reinstated people in my Hall, at least the adult ones, tended to hang out together. I wonder if that was because no one else was accepting them or if it was because they still didn't really believe but just wanted to act like they did. Maybe it was a combination of both. Either way, once you were DFed in my Hall, you never really overcame that stigma. I imagine that's true of most congregations?

  • new light
    new light

    This is pretty much my situation, except that I went back after a nine year DFing really believing deeply in the whole thing. Getting family back was less than half of my reason for returning.

    I quickly came to realize that people will shake my hand and look me in the eye at the KH, but that's about it for being welcomed back. Actually, the congregation (which included my immediate family but was not the one that Dfed me) was awesome. I really felt wanted and loved.

    Anyone who knew me before the exile seemed to have a chip on their shoulder, though. I thought this was weird, as I was a 16 year old who was seduced by a 30 year old married woman. I was not exactly a hardened criminal, just a typical teenage boy who thought with the wrong head...big deal, right? I actually felt pity for those who held on to the past like they did.

    I do not hold on to any resentments toward any non-essential JW aquaintances as it would just add negativity to my life. I have fully let go.

    However, I do feel a certain "resentment" toward my family. It's not a hateful thing. It's just this roadblockish feeling I get when I think about them that things will never be the same. Instead of my thoughts taking the natural, almost instant path to undying love and loyalty, they just stop soon after I picture their faces, if you know what I mean.

    I feel more positivity from thoughts of casual acquaintances than from those of my parents and siblings.

    Having realized that this is the case, I sent a watershed email to my father explaining quite a bit of what disfellowshipping did to me and my relations toward family, hoping to get some of this never discussed stuff out in the open and to begin the healing process together. It went unanswered. I do resent this.

    However, just like my loving thoughts have a roadblock, the negative ones do also. I can only feel a little resentment before the Great Numb kicks in and softens the edges of terrifying isolation.

    So, for me, having tried to walk through the pain and begin a truly honest dialogue with my father and being ignored, the answer lies in building a stone wall between us. It sucks, but I cannot allow myself to indulge in thoughts and feelings that are simply destructive to my mental health.

  • troubled mind
    troubled mind

    Thank You for your respnose 'New Light' , that was the kind of insight I was looking for .

  • LongHairGal


    Oops! Sorry!

    As far as getting over resentment of how YOU were treated when disfellowshipped:

    I would not be the first one to go up to anybody. Let people come up to you first. As far as family goes: I don't know if I would forgive family for treating me that way because I do not consider this to be christian and I feel people are wrong to listen to the religion. This is unnatural and I am not so sure I could ever feel the same way about them.

    If you are talking about JW parents or any other relatives who are expecting you to 'help' them out, you should sit them down and tell them that if you are ever disfellowshipped in the future and they are expecting financial or other aid - they can ask the religion to help them out - NOT you.

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