Ex girlfriend a JW

by witnessdater 7 Replies latest jw friends

  • witnessdater

    I dated a JW for nearly three years. I had known her through business for a long time, and didn't really know that much about what JWs believed, or anything really about the cult-like characteristics the organization has. We dated before I was divorced, while I was separated heading toward divorce for about a year. She wasn't a regular at meetings, went every now and again. I went to two conventions and a few services with her. I told her that the way they presented things "just didn't seem right" or in keeping with the evangelistic style I had grown up with . I told her it sounded as if they were speaking to five year olds.

    She was a beautiful woman physically, and many years my senior. I thought I was living in a dream when she told me how much she loved me. She never had kids, and I always wondered why. She had been married for about 5 years in her thirties, husband walked out on her with some other woman. After a couple years of our relationship, she started exhibiting what I call "split-personality" tendencies. We had talked of getting married, had such love for each other that I couldn't believe I had been so lucky to have found this kind of love. Then, out of the blue, in a serious and monotone voice, she would have serious "worries" about our age difference (which wasn't that great - she couldn't have been my mother) , or the fact that I have kids, and that one day she wouldn't be able to keep up with me or I would tire of her (turned out she got what she originally wanted out of me, then tired of me). She would have fits of outrage and scream that she didn't want to go on with me anymore. A few things had happened that she blamed this (her loss of feeling for me) on, but I believe it was her fanatic JW sister and mother who changed her mind about me. I do not believe that any man will put up with the crap her family has going on within it, or that she will ever know true love for anyone. She was on anti-depressants, and there is no telling how much else I really didn't know about her mental state. What a shame. Anyone here from Birmingham, AL? Did anyone go to the Birmingham convention?

  • nelly136

    i'm not from birmingham, but welcome anyway

  • Ilovebirthdays

    I'm afraid I've never even been to Birmingham, but I had to comment on your post.

    I'm sorry to say that I put my boyfriend (now husband) through much of what it sounds like you went through with your ex. The one thing I've found it hard for anyone to understand unless they've gone through a similar situation as being a JW is the overwhelming feelings of guilt that make you do crazy things no matter what your mental state. I loved my boyfriend very much but would run very hot and cold on him, not because my feelings for him had changed, but because I would cycle through stages of overwhelming guilt that I just didn't know how to deal with. I, too, would often come up with reasons (which weren't valid in my head) to break things off just because I couldn't deal with the guilt I was feeling. Fortunately, he was somehow able to deal with all the uncertainty until I finally left.

    That is one of the (many) bad things about this religion. They hurt people who have never even been to a single meeting. There are quite a few stories here and other ex-JW forums that are quite similar to yours and my husbands. Even though my husband was able to put up with all my "craziness" he still was quite worried about me freaking out again for several years. We have been married almost 12 years, and I know it has just taken time, and hearing other people's stories for him to come close to understanding what was going on. I found this board 11 years after I left, so I was in a good place at the time, but this board really has helped me with sharing other stories with him to help him understand what I was going through and give him the peace of mind to realize it wasn't my feelings for him flip-flopping, but the whole pressure and guilt trips I was going through causing me to have wild personality changes. I hope you stick around and and realize that no matter how wonderful you were, you just were up against something so big and controlling (even if she wasn't regular at meetings) that it could have such horrible consequences on your relationship if. The deck really was stacked against you, I'm afraid, and having been on the other side of the relationship, I'm so sorry for what you had to go through. I'm sure your ex was, too.

  • Aussie Oz
    Aussie Oz


    Another way that people end relationships sometimes is to create issues that they inflame to try to get the other person to end it because they do not have the intestinal fortitude to to it themselves.

    It could be that pressure was applied to her, maybe, maybe not, i dont know. But on the outside looking in, she was baiting you to do the ending.

    just my observation...



  • ziddina


    About your ex-girlfriend...

    I suspect that there were several forces at work... There was primarily GUILT, heaped on in generous portions by both the Watchtower Society and her JW relatives.

    There was INSECURITY - the Watchtower Society instills insecurity into its members constantly, as it is a VERY effective means of keeping people "down" - feeling inferior, keeping them submissive, preventing them from listening to their OWN inner voice, especially that inner voice of self-preservation...

    There was that anti-marriage stance of the Watchtower Society... That ALWAYS twisted my mind around and "yanked my chain"... The Watchtower Society - WTBTS - emphasizes that JWs should NOT get married, as marriage sucks off energy that COULD be put into their pet project, the "Preaching Work".

    At the SAME TIME, the WTBTS slyly implies that, if you DO feel lonely, find someone (ONLY a fellow JW, of course ) and get married, you are weak or not sufficiently spiritual, unable to "control the desires of the flesh"...

    Niiiiice way to describe what should be the union of two souls in harmonious bliss...

    And after creating MAJOR conflict over getting married, plus the MAJOR obstacles to finding a PROPER mate - in other words, a "good little JW"... One can only select this mate - this companion "good little JW" - under the MOST CONTROLLING circumstances!! NO premarital sex, NO premarital NECKING, PETTING, etc, - the sort of behavior which can help a couple determine whether they are sexually compatible - and get THIS!!! No matter WHAT the age of the dating couple, they should have a CHAPERONE at all times!!!

    Welcome to 16th Century Spain....

    BUT! If a person struggles mightily against those nasty, "Satanic" desires of the flesh, DOESN'T date or get married, but "slips up" - I think you know what I mean - and has an incident of "fornication"... Well, you can imagine the condemnation that is heaped upon that person's head...

    Oh. And masturbation is a HUGE no- no, too... The WTBTS demonizes the normal, natural, human sexual urges and creates a vicious cycle of forbidden desire and guilt, then feeds off of it...

    And all of these rigid, controlling edicts were creating cross-currents and rip tides in your unfortunate girlfriend's mind... Plus all the "worldly" insecurities, heaped on top of it - "Men prefer younger women [girls, actually...] - Men prefer women with big boobs - Men prefer blondes..."

    And so on... I feel very sorry for both you and your ex-girlfriend, and I can see why she was on medication...

    Hope I've helped you to understand what MAY - probably was - going on behind her eyes...


  • jamiebowers

    You really dodged a bullet. The Watchtower is nothing but trouble.

  • garyneal

    marked for later comment

  • asilentone

    I agree with Jamie Bowers completely.

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