So, this might be more for those of us who were strong in the JW faith and possibly anyone who was strong in any other faith lie LDS for example. So we were all told that we need to believe, and be strong in that belief, and love what we believe, even to the point of death. So you work on that. You think to yourself, "Would I surrender my life if a time came? Would I refuse a blood transfusion even if it meant me dying?" Like a good witness, of course you're gonna say yes because anything else, even some hesitancy could be perceived as not having a complete heart towards Jehovah, and he doesnt like those kinds of people, right? So you go along and try to convince yourself that believing all of it, living all of it, preaching teaching and breathing all of it, is what you want because it what you are told its what you are supposed to want, its God will so you cant go against the will of God, right? So you give it your best effort, you try, you pray for Jehovah to make you feel comfortable with believing all of it, especially when it doesnt make sense. However, I would be in the midst of this overly righteous mental tornado about how I love this organization and what Im looking forward to in the new world, and what I could do to better serve Jehovah, and it never failed, every time I would at least have a thought come into my head that would say something like, "What are you doing?" Like the real me talking to me just looking at me and evaluating all of the things I was thinking, saying, "Really?" Anybody else ever experience something like that? I swear Im not psychotic and its not some kind of disorder, just something would always tell me, make me realize it was a delusion, that I was flat out lying to myself, but I would go so hard against that and I would feel guilty when those thoughts came up. Anybody?
How about this?
You're not crazy. I think probably most of us went through that...If I'm wrong, well I guess we can be crazy together or something. Forgive me such a brief and worthless response...I just woke up. Gotta go change the diaper's baby.
I didn't have those self-preservation triggers.
I think it is wonderful that you do!
I guess we can be crazy together
Make that three. T68, I think I can relate to your experience as well. For me it started with some of the more "cultish" aspects of it, like everyone destroyed at A, disfellowhipping, all hail the GB, etc. But yeah, you're right, I tried praying, studying, going more out in service, thinking that in time all would be cleared up. But it hasn't, and now I'm not sure if it will ever be.
something would always tell me, make me realize it was a delusion, that I was flat out lying to myself, but I would go so hard against that
Sounds like the first stage of grief and loss: Denial. It's not easy, but I guess we all come to realize sooner or later that not all the pieces in the puzzle fit right.
There isn't a witness who doesn't have doubts, or had/has doubts, I'd put my money on that. WBTS does a great job of teaching people to suppress or shelf them.