Wedding Protocol

bluesapphire

I am not quite sure of wedding protocols. I mean since I am from Costa Rica and the weddings and parties are pretty much easy going in our culture I have always thought American wedding protocols were dumb. The whole idea that the bride's family pays for the entire thing is unfair. It matters not to me who pays for the rehearsal dinner or even IF there IS a rehearsal dinner. Who throws the shower and the bachelor party is also not an issue in my mind.

BUT!!! Who is invited seems to be of utter importance. For example: Isn't it rude to invite a married woman and not invite her spouse? I would think that it would be rude in ANY culture to do this. But, especially, in the American wedding culture with all its wedding rules.

My friend at work invited five ladies from the office and only invited US and not our spouses to her son's wedding. My spouse for one has actually hung out with her and her spouse. Granted, I didn't even expect to be invited at ALL. And I was surprized to get an invitation. But when it was addressed only to ME, I was shocked. Especially since I know how this person is and how SHE herself would be offended if the sitch were reversed. I can't help but feel that it was an invite for the gift only. And I know I'm being judgemental here and am probably wrong. But I just don't get it. If it was an issue of money, then why invite us at all? I mean it's not like we really even know her son. We have a relationship with HER, not her 20 year old son! And it's not like she's going to hang out with us at the wedding because she has a HUGE extended family. So I can't understand why she invited us at all????? Just to do it in what I think is a rude way.

Regardless, I don't want to go. But I don't know how to handle it. I don't want to hurt her feelings and I don't want to make an issue out of it. Any suggestions on how I can buck out and save face at the same time? It is a 1.5 hour drive away down the coast so it's not like I can make an appearance for the heck of it. I already sent a gift .... well I sent HALF a gift or, rather half the amount I would have given if she had invited my husband. Now how do I get out of going????

yknot

Ummm that is uber-rude...... to not address it to both of you!

Take the easy route.....buy a gift, apologize for not being able to attend and call it a day.

bluesapphire

I feel that way too.

I sent half the money I would have given if she had invited my husband.

But what excuse to I give when she asks me why I can't attend? I see her every day at work. Damnit I can't think of anything legit.

GLTirebiter

Perhaps tell her the truth in a kind way, that you don't feel right going without your husband. That leaves her an honorable retreat, she can say "OF COURSE he's invited!" I agree that it's rude to not put his name on the invitation. It conceivably could be ignorance, she may not have known that she should have addressed it to both of you.

bluesapphire

I wish it were ignorance. But I already asked her to clarify. She said, "Nope. It's only the girls invited." She was kind of cocky about it like she didn't care that she was breaking a taboo and the RSVP card was filled in with a number 1 on the number of guests invited.

So, if anything, my NOT saying anything to her is being generous. And, honestly, I think if I do say something to her it will reveal that I am pissed. We have been friends too long and I don't want to go there. We will likely have to work together for many more years in the future.

I think I am just going to send the card back with my regrets and keep silent. If she doesn't ask why I can't go I will not say a word. And if she asks, I will just say I couldn't make it.

StAnn

Bluesaph, you just stated what I would do. Send the reply card back with a "will not attend" and leave it at that. If she pushes it, tell her that you don't wish to attend a wedding without your spouse, especially since you barely know her son. Honesty is generally the best policy.

StAnn

bluesapphire

OMG! One of the ladies from work just called me. She is the sweetest little thing and she was just mortified. Her husband just realized he is not invited to the wedding and is giving her a hard time. So she called me to ask me if my husband was invited. I told her that no he is not invited either and I am not going.

Anyway, it turns out her husband is going on a basketball tournament with her daughters that weekend anyway because he is their basketball coach but he is mad at the whole point. She can't go because he will be mad if she goes. So she is declining and doesn't know what to say either. I told her to say she was going on the basketball tourney with her family.

Isn't it weird that the two who are dissed by the one are actually being sensitive not to hurt the one's feelings????

So I decided I'm going to lie and tell her that MY HUSBAND was invited to a wedding and since I was included in the invitation to that wedding we decided to go to that one instead of her son's. And now I only wish I knew of a way to take back my wedding gift from the honeyfund!

Mad Sweeney

I think all of the women who were invited without their spouses should get together that same day, WITH spouses and have a cookout or something. The woman who didn't invite your husbands deserves no sympathy; she's a hag.

GLTirebiter

She said, "Nope. It's only the girls invited." She was kind of cocky about it like she didn't care that she was breaking a taboo and the RSVP card was filled in with a number 1 on the number of guests invited.

Wow, that is incredibly rude! You're right to send "regrets" about not coming. Just send a token wedding present: perhaps a book by Emily Post!

Wedding Protocol

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