This was posted by Gail on Tishie's old board (Randy's Board, support4xjws, no, not that Randy, the other Randy). I had a little fiddle with it, but felt I had to share ...
I found it wonderful articulation of some of the problems I have with the whole god idea ...
God's Quality Control Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He/She/It asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions:
1. How did you find out about your deity?
( ) Newspaper
( ) Bible
( ) Torah
( ) Television
( ) Book of Mormon
( ) The Watchtower and/or Awake! Magazines
( ) Someone knocked on my door, next thing I know it’s two decades later and I’m a janitor
( ) Divine Inspiration
( ) Dead Sea Scrolls
( ) My Mama Done Tol' Me
( ) Near Death Experience
( ) Near Life Experience
( ) National Public Radio
( ) Tabloid
( ) Burning Shrubbery
Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model deity did you acquire?
( ) Jehovah
( ) YHWH
( ) Generic god
( ) O.E.M. god
( ) Jesus
( ) Krishna
( ) Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
( ) Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
( ) Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
( ) Allah
( ) Satan
( ) Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
( ) God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
( ) God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
( ) None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
Other: ________________
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
( ) Yes
( ) No
Other: ________________
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
( ) Not eternal
( ) Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
( ) Not omniscient
( ) Not omnipotent
( ) Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
( ) Permits sex outside of marriage
( ) Prohibits sex outside of marriage
( ) Makes mistakes
( ) Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
( ) Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people
( ) Looks after life other than that on Earth
( ) When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
( ) Requires burnt offerings
( ) Requires virgin sacrifices
( ) Doesn't degrade and oppress women
( ) Doesn’t actually exist
Other: ________________
5. Please rate the handbook and literature supplied with your deity.
Please check all that apply.
( ) Woefully vague and obviously translated from another language
( ) Accurate and succinct
( ) Not enough pictures
( ) Some of the words are a bit big
( ) Enough with the geneologies
( ) I was with it as far as the talking snake, but after that I lost it
( ) You don’t spell Mormon like that, do you?
( ) I always wanted the world-view of a Bronze Age goatherd to guide my life; perfect!
( ) But why don’t I see anyone with an animal’s head outside of Disneyland/Disneyworld/Disneyafterlife nowadays?
( ) The medium seems to have become more important than the message
6. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
Please check all that apply.
( ) Indoctrinated by parents
( ) Needed a reason to live
( ) Indoctrinated by society
( ) Needed focus on whom to despise
( ) Needed focus on whom to love
( ) Imaginary friend grew up
( ) Hate to think for myself
( ) Wanted to meet girls/boys in church
( ) Fear of death
( ) Wanted to piss off parents
( ) Wanted to please parents
( ) Needed a day away from school or work
( ) Desperate need for certainty
( ) Had a spare decade to waste
( ) Like organ music
( ) Need to feel morally superior
( ) Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
( ) Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell
( ) Shit was falling out of the sky
( ) My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
( ) Marginally skilled in other areas, so Elder seemed a good option
Other: ________________
7. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
( ) Jehovah
( ) YHWH
( ) Generic god
( ) O.E.M. god
( ) Jesus
( ) Krishna
( ) Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
( ) Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
( ) Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
( ) Allah
( ) Satan
( ) Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
( ) God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
( ) God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
( ) Baal
( ) The Almighty Dollar
( ) Left Wing Liberalism
( ) The Radical Right
( ) Amon Ra
( ) Beelzebub
( ) Bill Gates
( ) Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
( ) The Great Spirit
( ) The Great Pumpkin
( ) The Sun
( ) The Moon
( ) The Force
( ) Fresh poontang
( ) Cindy Crawford
( ) Elvis
( ) A burning shrub
( ) Psychiatry
Other: ________________
8. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
( ) Tarot
( ) Lottery
( ) Astrology
( ) Television
( ) Fortune cookies
( ) Ann Landers
( ) Psychic Friends Network
( ) Dianetics
( ) Palmistry
( ) Playboy and/or Playgirl
( ) Self-help books
( ) Sex, drugs, and rock & roll
( ) Biorhythms
( ) Alcohol
( ) Marijuana
( ) Marijuana
( ) Marijuana
( ) Marijuana
( ) George ‘Pretzel’ Bush
( ) Tea Leaves
( ) EST
( ) Amway
( ) Dice
( ) CompuServe
( ) Mantras
( ) Jimmy Swaggert
( ) Crystals
( ) Human sacrifice
( ) Pyramids
( ) You Know
( ) Wandering around a desert
( ) Insurance policies
( ) Burning shrubbery
( ) Barney T.B.P.D.
( ) Barney Fife
( ) None
Other:_____________________
9. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
Circle one below:
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know.
e. What's Divine Intervention?
10. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a
scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):
a. Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war, terrorism & holocausts
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 Spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
b. Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets
1 2 3 4 5 miraculous ability to guess correct lottery numbers
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
11. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His/Her/Its behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?
( ) Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul
( ) No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamoring for my money
10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?
(Attach an additional sheet(s) if necessary.)
Regards
J C Hrist
(Assistant Quality Control Manager)
People living in glass paradigms shouldn't throw stones...