A scene from my novel

by JeffT 3 Replies latest jw friends

  • JeffT
    JeffT

    I’m in the middle of polishing up the manuscript for my novel, “Armageddon’s Disciples.” I’m rearranging a few things, not easy in a 450 page manuscript. My daughter, who is my usual sounding board for this project, is busy choreographing a musical, so I’m going to bounce it off you guys.

    Background, The Word of God Foundation has its headquarters, New Jerusalem, in Seattle. It is run by twelve Apostles, of whom John Rodgers is the head. Followers of “The Word” call themselves Disciples, local leaders are called “Servants.” (I’ve been playing with the language all through the book.

    The group has issued a number of predictions regarding the end of the world, with the usual result. Rodgers is implementing a plan that he says will show God that the Disciples will do whatever he says. No one really knows what that plan is, the only other person that did, an Apostle named David Howell was murdered in the first chapter.

    Hope you like this snippet, and feedback is needed. If you like it, I may toss out a few more scenes as I rewrite them.

    “Apostle Packard, may I speak with you?”

    Susan, his secretary stood in the door. Laban thought she looked like the proverbial deer in the headlights.

    “Sure, come on in. And please call me Laban.”

    He hoped he sounded friendly. She could not be more than nineteen, and was clearly awestruck at working for an Apostle. She was nice enough, although her office skills rated no higher than average.

    She put her hand on the door, as if to close it and hesitated. Laban moved his chair so that he could see into the outer office.

    “Leave it open, if anybody comes in I’ll see them.”

    Another piece of Disciple nonsense. Although The Word always spoke of the moral superiority of the Disciples, it acted as if a man and woman left alone for three minutes would immediately have sex. The door needed to stay open.

    She sat primly in the chair in front of his desk, her hands clasped nervously on her lap.

    “How can I help you?”

    “I’m not sure where to start, or how to say this.”

    “Take your time.”

    “Yes, Apost…I mean Laban.”

    Laban smiled, as she took a deep breath.

    “I’m worried about some things. There’s this guy that works for Apostle Rodgers, Red Mallory…”

    “I know who he is. Is he bothering you?”

    “Well, it isn’t just me. He’s making a lot of us, that is over in the girl’s dorm, nervous. He comes around all the time, he makes some, well, bad jokes.”

    “Have you told the dorm Servant about this?”

    “Yes. She said that she can’t do much about it. That Apostle Rodgers wants him left alone.”

    Laban nodded. It fit what he knew about the relationship between the two men.

    “And there’s more.”

    “Such as.”

    “He brags all the time. He says the New Work is going to happen because he’s making it happen.”

    Laban leaned forward.

    “How so?”

    “Well…”

    The nervousness on her face turned into outright fear.

    “He says that the New work is the Lord’s plan, and that Apostle Howell was going to try to stop it.”

    “I’m sorry Susan, but that doesn’t make sense,” Laban said, “David was helping plan it.”

    “Well, what Red says is that he stopped planning and started getting in the way. Red says he ‘ran the devil out of New Jerusalem.’ Stuff like that.”

    “I see.”

    What to tell this frightened young woman. Certainly telling her that he, too, was frightened would not help.

    “I will look into it. If Red does anything to hurt anybody let me know right away.”

    Susan smiled.

    “Thank you.”

    As soon as she was back in the outer office Laban picked up the phone. He needed to meet with a few of the other Apostles. They needed to find out what, exactly, Rodgers was doing.

  • tec
    tec

    Hi Jeff.

    Its hard to comment on the content out of context, but it reads very well. I don't see any newbie mistakes, so I'm assuming you're not a newbie writer. Every action as an emotional purpose behind it, and you convey the feelings and character of each person in the scene clearly.

    However, I imagine you are hoping for some constructive criticism, so here goes:

    Another piece of Disciple nonsense. Although The Word always spoke of the moral superiority of the Disciples, it acted as if a man and woman left alone for three minutes would immediately have sex. The door needed to stay open.

    This is the only part I found slightly confusing. It seems a little ambiguous on whether the pov of this *disciple nonsense* is Packard's or the Word's. If Packard thinks this rule is nonsense, then why does he end it with 'The door needed to stay open.'? Perhaps an explanation of something like 'but in the interest of (whatever), the door needed to stay open.

    I could be misunderstanding because I don't have the context of the rest of the story.

    Great emotion and visuals!

    Tammy

  • JeffT
    JeffT

    Thanks. I should add something. Laban thinks it is nonsense, but the rules require that the door be open so they are not "alone." Kind of like needing a chaperone when you're out in field circus with a ninety year old pioneer of the opposite sex.

  • snowbird
    snowbird

    I like it; it should be easy for those familiar with JW history to follow the plot.

    Looks good to me.

    Sylvia

Share this

Google+
Pinterest
Reddit