Send a gift, or no?

by ashitaka 9 Replies latest jw friends

  • ashitaka

    An old friend is getting married this year. Best friend, actually. Formerly so. But at one time, we talked about each other being the other's best man at our weddings. (He was at mine)

    I'm debating on whether a gift is appropriate or not, considering my status of 'inactive' but not DF'd or DA'd. I'd hate to send cash and have him return it (he's an ass like that). I really don't even want a thank you note, just wanted to give a gift of congratulations. Thinks it's appropriate if he's 'dissappointed' in me, or should I just leave well enough alone?

    He hasn't called in a year.


  • teenyuck

    Personally, I would send just a card of congratulations. No gift is necessary. He won't return a card.

    "I used to be Snow White, then I drifted." Mae West

  • dungbeetle

    It's always safe to send a card----with your email address.

    If he respnds positively to that, cool. If not, then you haven't wasted a gift.

    You can send him a photo of your wedding...just a friendly reminder.

    Tough situation, sorry for ya.


    In 1975 a crack team of publishers was sentenced to death by a judicial commiteee. They promptly escaped from the cult and now live life on the run. If you have a problem ... and if you can find them ... maybe you can contact the A--postate Team"

  • Prisca

    If it's in your heart to send a gift of some sort, then do it.

    You are showing the kindness in you by being prepared to do so, even though you guys haven't spoken for a while. If he returns it, then he is the bad guy, not you.

  • ashitaka

    Gracias, guys. I think I'll just send a card.

    I'll probly just put a nice poem and just sign it, no personal stuff in it.


  • ARoarer

    Ashi, this all sounds so familiar. Witnesses who are intentionally not associating with you anymore because you are not attending the KH will not be moved by any kindness or sincerity you may show towards them. No matter how much you valued your friendship with them, the feeling will not be mutual. If you feel they "don't approve" of you and your choice to withdraw from meetings they just don't separate that from thier relationship with you. In my own situation, I had lifelong friends who I never ever would have imagined would turn against me and my family. I thought they cared about me as a person and would still view our freindship simply as that. But they would not. Send your friend a card first, and if they don't return your gesture, consider them really not a tru friend. Jehovah's Witnesses brand of freindship is based on their group's acceptance or rejection of a person. My hubby and I experienced this even at our own daughter's beautiful wedding we gave her. She married an elder's son and so all that attended on their side would not have anything to do with us. It was as if we were df'd. Our own friends came and were cordial, but from the day they got married we have heard from not one. Not even my closest girlfriend who's daughters grew up with my children and were in the wedding party. As part of the wedding package, my husband and I had arranged for the grooms parents to stay in a suite at the hotel the kids were married in. They stayed, and the next day left without even thanking us or saying goodbye, never once a phone call after that. I can't even imagine how anyone could act the way these Witnesses did at our childrens wedding. It was a beautiful and elegant and they all ate and drank but not one ever said thankyou or called us after that. Ashi, don''t set yourself up to be hurt by your friends rejection of you, if you feel you will be affected by it.

  • ashitaka

    Hey A,

    Well, he's just an old friend, a pleasant memory, if you will. I just wanted to remember our pasts and thank him for the seven 'good' years we had as friends. But, I also don't want to be a heel and take crap for being kind. Thanks for the words.


  • Princess

    Sending a card is a good idea, he'll do what he wants with it but will see that you are happy for him. If you truly want to send him a gift but don't want thanks in return, then send it anonymously. You will know he has a little something from you, but he won't.


    "Dance as if no one were watching, sing as if no one were listening and live every day as if it were your last." -Irish Proverb

  • Scully

    I think Crisis of Conscience would make a lovely coffee-table book for him and his new bride.


    I'm inclined to agree with what everyone else said... a card is fine, and maybe even a few words to wish him happiness.

    We were in our last congregation for 6 years and once we became 'inactive' our so-called "friends" never even invited us to their weddings, or let us know when new babies arrived. It seemed that with our change in activity, everything they did became top-secret and we never found out about anything until much later after the fact. I'm pleased for you that at least you know about your friend's engagement and upcoming wedding. Too bad that he's missing out on having you for his best man, as you had promised each other. Such a shame that this freaking CULT drives wedges between friends this way.

    Love, Scully

    It is not persecution for an informed person to expose a certain religion as being false. - WT 11/15/63

  • Eyebrow

    Send a card that says, Congrats on your wedding!
    I'm still the bigger person.

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