20yr old daughter cant deal with my new self - advice please

by nearlyfree 9 Replies latest social family

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  nearlyfree

  my eldest daughter is having a hard time dealing with our new family dynamics. Since my marriage breakup over a year ago, i have finally started to enoy life and fading fast from the Jw's , well actually I've done a disappearing act. I have not attended a meeting for 4 months now! She is having a hard time dealing with the fact that I am no longer the same person I was when I was married, ( a mindless drone ) she has told me I dont act like her mum, but act like a teenager. I am starting to go out with some friends from work,joined a tennis club and am having a good time. She cant seem to get over the fact that family life is not the same as it was. I am not being neglectful of my parental responsibilites, but work hard to be a good mum. My youngest is 12 and she is totally okay with how i am, she often tells me that she likes me so much more now, and that i am heaps more fun to be around.

  Jus wondering if anyone else had similar experiences and how they dealt with it.
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  Satanus

  Is the 20 yr old a jw? It's totally understandable that a radical change in her mom is a challenge for her. Maybe, it's a sign that she was/is more dependent on you than youse knew.

  S
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  Aussie Oz

  From what i can see in society in general, young adult children do not want to know that their parents have a life. Add to that, the programing your daughter may have by now kicking in ( i figure she is JW?) , she would be even more down on it.

  I left when my kids were little and even though they are being raised by the JW ex wife, my kids see me as kool. (now 13 and 16). I have tattoos, drive a hearse and have a mohawk...

  i have attempted to have them see that just because i am 'dad' does not mean i dont have a life. That happiness is not exclusive to following a religion or social norms.

  Your daughter needs to be put in her box. tell her to check back in at 45, when she has older eyes. You have a right to a fun happy life and a child is in no position to chide you.

  You go girl, grab life and dont let go!

  Oz
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  nearlyfree

  Hi Satanus

  Yeah she is a JW, but is only going to the meetings because she is engaged to a JW. She told me the other day, that she didnt want to be a witness anymore but was only doing it for her fiancee. He has no idea about her feelings, he just thinks she is spiritually weak.

  . I dont think that she is really dependant on me, she is a very independant person herself. I think she doesnt think my behaviour is appropriate for a mother!!! Its not as if i go out partying everynight!!!
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  nearlyfree

  HI Aussie,

  I know what you mean. After 20 years of being in Marriage prison and 40 Years in JW Prison, i am starting to have fun. I will not allow anyone (even my daughter) to make me feel bad or guilty for enjoying myself and the decisions i make in life. Her friends have even asked her, if i can go out with them, but she has not told me this ....... I found this out last week from her fiancee, and told him that next time they go out for a night out on the town, im coming.........

  I guess i just want to know the best way to deal with her feelings, and get her to accept me for who I am now.
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  dig692

  I wonder if maybe it goes deeper than her just not liking that you are going out and living life when you should be doing "motherly" things. Perhaps she really is just jealous that you are free of the cult and are now able to enjoy your life where she does not have that freedom. And by that I mean that she's in the religion still, and is probably being scrutinized in everything she does, especially now that she is engaged to a JW, and maybe she wants to be able to leave like you have, but she is scared of the consequences? Do you think that could be the case since she did express to you that she doesn't want to be a witness anymore?
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  Billy the Ex-Bethelite

  How does your daughter see herself at 40? Is it her dream to be an elder's "stepford" wife, working a couple of cleaning jobs, auxiliary pioneering at every vacation and CO visit, one kid dfd, one kid confused, painted on smile, too tired and broke to ever "go out"? Or at 40, would she want to be free and enjoying life... like you?
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  nearlyfree

  dig692 - I thinks there may be a bit of jealousy there, but i dont think that is the major reason. She has relative freedom, in that she has worldly friends, goes clubbing, birthday parties, christmas parties etc..... and still hangs out with JW friends....I think she still sees me as her mum who should be sitting at home knitting, feet in slippers and drinking tea!!! not that i have ever knitted or worn slippers!!!!!!!

  Billy - Your comment made me laugh, especailly about her pioneering. I dont think my daugher would ever auxillary pioneer - she hates witnessing - has only gone out twice this year in FS but reports about 10-15 hours every month!!! I think the problem is that she doesnt see me as an individual person - just as her mum.
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  The Almighty Homer

  and that i am heaps more fun to be around.

  Thats because the JW sect is oppressed and repressed , they are not happy people to be around, thats why many are mildly depressed

  to very depressed. Maybe you should show your daughter why the JWS are not who they say they are by presenting her the facts.
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  Gayle

  Twenty year olds have their own responsibility to be happy for the most part. She is grown now. You will always be there for her, and love her unconditionally. But it is not your job to be always, constantly at her beck and call. It is not her right to make a call for how you should be.

  She may be jealous of your freedom, I don't know. But showing that you are going on with your life in a positive spirit is what every "mature," unselfish adult would want for their parent.