Brooklyn, NY—Dissatisfied with dwindling receipts in recent years, Soverign Lord of the Universe, Jehovah God issued a rare public statement Monday, sharply criticizing His Witnesses' lack of generosity and demanding a marked increase in their contributions to the long-standing religion bearing his name.
"Historically, I have asked for no more than 10 percent of the total earnings of my people," said God in a 25-minute statement broadcasted over Bethel airwaves and aired at local Kingdom Halls around the world during a special assembly. "But recent cost analyses by my accountants indicate that current donations from my Witnesses are not at this level and are insufficient to meet my earthly financial needs."
God underscored his point with an earning/expenditure chart illustrating that in the first quarter of 2001, He listened to an average of 233 million prayers per day while collecting daily revenues of $6 million.
"This works out to just two and a half cents per prayer, which barely even covers my overhead," God said. "If this sort of fiscal imbalance continues, I may have to answer even fewer prayers in the future."
Speaking for his Father, Jesus, redeemer of the Watchtower world stated; "In my Father's house are many mansions, they are not cheap to maintain." Ask the Judge about Beth-Sarim.
Christ cited Simon Green, of Salford, Manchester as a prime example of the sort of tight-fisted follower with whom He is frustrated.
"Mr. Green owns a website [www.jehovahs-witness.com] that takes in a pretty penny with all those banners, thanks in no small part to his faith in Me and my Father. Yet, we haven't seen a single dollar in Kingdom Hall contribution boxes," Christ said. "If I am not mistaken, this works out to a donation of just .000000000 percent of his overall gross-adjusted income for the said fiscal period, a far cry from the recommended 10 percent."
"He also lusted after Xena and two niece's on a few occasions," the Savior said.
God assured his witnesses that He still possesses conditional love for them and that those who follow him blindly via his faithful and discreet slave class he appointed [on more than one occasion] will know salvation and everlasting life on a paradise earth, where they will live as kings, [as his FDS class are already reigning], but expressed frustration over the feeling that He has "not, in my estimation, been getting my love's worth in return."
"My love," said the Supreme, "which passeth all human understanding and shines from my countenance, shall be all you need and desire all the days of your lives. But I do need a reasonably decent budget to make that happen."
Christ told the "other sheep" that his ancient covenant with his anointed class—in which they will reign over them with an ironfist is as good a value as they are likely to find anywhere. "Even though you're not under the new covenant," said Christ, "you're getting a good deal."
"It is true that, in this era of downsizing and high prices, it can sometimes be difficult for a person to give unto Me 10 percent or more of their income, and still have enough left over for that new microwave or big-screen TV they've had their eye on," He said. "But do not forget that it is almost impossible for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."
Jehovah's most esteemed Earthly messengers are hailing Monday's statement as long overdue. "We are pleased that God has delivered this important message to his witnesses worldwide," Milton Henchel said, member of the Governing Body and confidant of the Supreme. "The Watchtower Society must begin collecting more money now if it is to continue to collect money in the future, we've had to layoff a few bethel workers and cancel subscriptions, it's getting difficlut to continue our level of living."
Die hard Witnesses worldwide are already responding to their organization's call.
"I guess I could live without a college education," said Fred Hall, a Jehovah's Witness and cat affectionado, who recently dropped out of community college after receiving his GED. After donating to his congregation over $1,500 he had saved for tuition. "Some of my science courses contradicted the Watchtower magazines, anyway." He added, "if push comes to shove, we can always eat the kitties."
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"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."