hi there,
there is something really bugging me at the moment, and i`m feeling being on the verge of a big depression.
first of all excuse me for possibible language mistakes. english isn`t my native speech.
during my approx. 9 years as a jw (including the 2 years of bible study), i never had one single date with a sister!!! my local cong was located in a area far away from a big town. it felt like being at the ass of the world actually. well, anyway, the only potential hope i ever had during those years, was to meet someone at an assembly, which as most of you know, occurs 3 times a year. as an assembly came and went, and i didn`t succeed again, my selfesteem became even more lower than before. now i must admit, that i was a pretty shy guy at the time, so it was even harder for me.
now i`m not being selfpiity or so, actually things right now are working fine for me presently. i just i like to get this off my chest, because there is nobody who i can confess this to without feeling like a looser. i`ve been a former jw for about 5 years now, and i had one girlfriend since. thats a year ago now, and altough it lasted about 3 years, the last 1,5 years or so, i didn`t have much strong feelings for her in the end. i just had the feeling she wasn`t mrs right for me.
i dont want to get into much details about that relationship, in the end it just didn`t seem right.
now back into present day: although i have a lot more selfconfidence than i ever had before, and things are working alright for me (good job, positive thoughts etc.): i`m getting slighly anxious the last few days, that i might fall into that big black hole again i once was in.
the main reason for this is the fact that i believe to have many positive aspects others may not have: ok, i`m in my early 40ies so i`m not the youngest anymore, but i`ve heard around a few corners that i have good looks and i`m a kind gentleman type.
i go out on the weekends, been doing bodybuilding for many years and as i said i`ve changed my attitude and lifestyle completly. i once was a shy tall thin guy who woudn`t even establish eye contact with a female shop assistant without feeling embarresd.
ok, i`m still not an outgoing guy who would just walk up to somebobody and start a conversation. but at least i have more selfconfidence than i did in the past.
now you might ask yourself where my problem is. that`s exactly the reason why iM feeling on the verge! so apparently i have all theese good things, so why on earth is it so difficult for me to find mrs right??? why for heavans sake, even though i really try it my way, i dont succeed??? i`m frightend of loosing my selfconfidence again if something doesn`t occur whithin the next few months or so, i also know that this a phase, and i might feel ok again next week. but i`m fighting not to fall abck again, because i expirienced a depression once for many years, and i don`t consider going through hell again!
its so freaking strange.
sorry to bother you. it`s nice to know there are people and former jws who might know what i`m going through right now. i`ll keep you updated with my progression if you like.
thanks for reading. best regards from germany.
adrianoblue