The long term effects of losing friends and family through shunning

by finding my way 8 Replies latest jw friends

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  finding my way

  I've recently been thinking about this topic as I've been finding old friends on Facebook etc. that were just GONE one day because either their whole family Da'd themselves or they had been Df'd. Not to mention the friends I lost when I myself was df'd.

  Most of my life I found this losing of friends normal because it was what I was used to. I've managed to maintain good relationships with non-witnesses for years and it feels great to have friends you can be completely yourself with. At the same time, I find it sort of easy to cut people off if they rub me the wrong way. I think I'm getting better at this, but I once stopped talking to one of my best friends from Junior High for over 6 months, only calling her back and begging for forgiveness after I had been Df'd. I've cut others off similarly when I couldn't handle a dispute. It was really hard the first year of marriage (okay, so maybe a little longer than that.. ;) when I kept wanting to run away and stop talking to him instead of deal with it. Not sure if this has to do with feeling "normal" about severed relationships but I'm exporing the idea.

  This could also be from my parents divorce when I was 13... Mom said we were leaving on a Monday. We packed up and moved all the way from Oregon to Kansas that Friday. Maybe your experiences can help me see whats from what circumstance.

  How have you found this affected you? others? Have any additional info on this?

  Much appreciated,

  ~fmy
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  QuestioningEverything

  I always had a hard time with the D/F policy. It was difficult for me to shun others and pretend they didn't exist. I hated this policy and now that I know it is wrong, I really hate it.
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  Spook

  I've realized that people loose touch in life for many reasons. I don't have a good relationship with my family - but many people have the same for other reasons.

  I lost a lot of friends - but most people drift away from a good protion of their childhood friends anyway and tend to make new friends in their late 20's who are more likely to stick with them through life.

  I found that rebuilding past relationships sacrifice because of JW's is a great way to go. People are very understanding when you tell them "Sorry I was such a douchebag, my family was in a cult."
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  kitten whiskers

  Finding my way,

  When we are raised to treat people who displease us like a used kleenex to be thrown away, that messes us up! A true loving relationship tries to work through problems. When we discard people, we aren't learning the skills we need for long term relationships. It is hard to develope them later in life than it is as a child!

  I know I found that when I bought an "American Girl" book on how to make friends, that there are some useful skills that children use that I can use. We were taught to ignore and not feel a kinship toward those we went to school with, toward unbelieving relatives, toward people in general. It is a warped way of thinking and behaving. It takes time to overcome. We have to learn skills that should be deeply ingrained by now. I guess it's like learning the alphabet when you are 40. You should have already been taught this by those responsible for your care in your youth...but you can do it now. It will be harder and require more dedication, but it can be mastered. Don't give up. Baby steps. Keep taking baby steps!

  All the best to you!
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  the real life

  I think about this a lot too. Having difficulty letting yourself get attached emotionally to people is certainly not unique to witnesses. As Spook said, it is common for people to lose touch with childhood friends and to make longer-lasting friendships in their mid- to late-twenties.

  On the other hand, I do think that as dubs, we were taught to always try to find common ground with people and to always agree! I know a few other ex-dubs who find themselves not always being honest right away about their differences and disagreements in an attempt to maintain the status quo and not make any waves. I guess that's not quite the same issue, but I think it has a negative effect on the depth of relationships.

  Being taught to agree and look for common ground makes us completely ignorant of the fact that differences in perspective are beautiful and fascinating and can be the basis on which to build new relationships. I think that a lot of witness friendships are rather shallow - we aren't really allowed to share every side of ourselves, as we're constantly in fear of offending someone.

  All of that can't be good for long-term relationship building. It trained us to disguise our true selves and to be content with only getting to know the opinions of others that were in line with our own beliefs.
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  steve2

  There are short-term effects and long-term effects of being shunned. Clearly, there's the potential for lots of pain from the rejection. I would not wish the pain of being shunned on anyone. However, the pain kind of forces you to draw upon skills and abilities that you may never have needed to draw upon before - and with time and practice, you can get on with your life again.

  I like to think that the day I was kicked out was the day I was "suddenly" free to start growing up and taking responsibility for my life. If people have chosen - for whatever reasons - that they no longer want anything to do with me, so be it. It hurts and it's not easy to bear, but it can be done - especially with lots of "self" support and seeking help from others if necessary (e.g., time-limited therapy to learn helpful coping skills and how to re-connect with life).
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  JWoods

  I would honestly have to say that it had little effect on me. First, as it was for "Apostacy", I carried no guilt...knew I had done nothing wrong but say NO (and also HELL NO) to a 100+ year-old quasi=religious idiocy.

  Second, I was branching out into new business worlds, made new friends, got re-involved in the flying and old car hobbies, started new family, etc.

  It really was a great relief - and of course there were at least 20-30 other ex-JWs I knew who left at the same time (the Ray Franz era).
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  bluecanary

  I, too, have found it very easy to cut people out of my life. I never even had to wait for someone to be disfellowshipped. If they weren't the epitome of JWhood I cut them out with no prompting.
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  finding my way

  Some interesting perspectives.

  Thank you all

  ~fmy