Do you ever feel like its a dream come true?

by CandleSurgeon 4 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  CandleSurgeon

  This is going to be a long post, but if you don’t have time or simply don’t want to read the whole thing the first paragraph is really all that is necessary to understand the gist of this thread:

  Sometimes I think the way my life turned out is to good to be true. I have been out of the WTBS for over 3 years now, and if you had asked me 4 years ago if I would ever leaved I would have told you firmly “I will never leave Jehovah’s organization!” And I would have meant it. Even though I was severely depressed I believed it was God’s one organization and the thought of actually leaving seemed an impossibility to me. Even though there are many difficulties in a so called “worldly” life I am just so happy I made it out of that hellish cult.

  Even with the problems we all individually face, does it ever feel like a dream come true to you that you got out of the WTBS?

  ******

  I look back at my life and it seems I am 1000 years old. I was talking to a co-worker who is only 9 years my senior but she looked at me and said, “it’s funny your so young but you have been through so much in your life.” I just smiled and shrugged it off. I understand what she means though, I have been through more in my 25 years than some people will go through their entire life time. Of course many others have experienced difficulties by age 7 that I will never have to face down in all my years. The point is because of all I have been through it seems my life as a Jehovah’s Witness was eons ago. I don’t feel like the same person.

  In the past three years I have had to overcome one JW mindset after another, constantly realizing why I do things the way I do them. It is amazing, and sometimes disturbing, how deeply my years of cult training deeply effected my psyche.

  I remember how convinced I was that the WTBS was the truth. I was and advocate for Jehovah, I prayed at times for hours and really believed he was listening to my every word. I remember how trapped I felt, I never believed I would be able to leave the WTBS. It was my entire life after all, my entire social network, my entire belief system was based on what they printed. I remember how good I felt when I helped out one of the “brothers or sisters” or when the elders gave me compliments.

  I remember doing hours of research into WTBS publications and thinking, it all makes since now, they really do have the truth. I remember feeling loved by Jehovah and I thinking I would never leave him, even though I believed he would probably kill me at armageddon.

  I remember when I was planning on leaving and dissociating myself I could scarcely believe I was actually going to do it. I remember being in shock for a month after leaving, having no ability to think about anything important.

  And now I look at how much my life has changed. I moved halfway across the US, I have a job and openly talk to people about the damaging effects of the WTBS. I am what they would call an “apostate”. The things that are so natural to me now like using profanity, having adult relations with my girl friend, smoking, going out to see an R movie, telling obscene jokes that are hilarious, saying “merry christmas” or “happy newyears” used to make me cringe and feel out of place.

  I am so happy that over the past three years I have defeated the deeply ingrained teachings of the WTBS. I no longer fear them or their publications, I don’t fear their elders or their judgments. I feel free!

  I am reading a few publications for the sake of my youtube channel (CSTheApostate). Only a year ago reading any WTBS publication made me feel sick to my stomach. Literally I would feel sick and my heart would start pounding just to attempt to read anything they print. I am reading the YPA book and the Evolution book, and other than being incredibly boring I am having no trouble. I don’t know if I can truly describe the feeling with words no matter how much I type. It is just an incredible feeling to know the constant fear and control they once had on my life is gone forever.

  I guess its the fact that growing up I truly believed I COULDN’T leave, as I said in the first paragraph it seemed an impossibility to me. And even when I did leave I “knew” I was going to go back one day if the big A didn’t come first. And now that I have left and I have found out the “truth about the troof” my mind seems at ease. It just seems to me like a dream come true! :D

  CandleS
• 

  shamus100

  Hi CandleS,

  I know what you mean, buddy. It's a strange feeling going from 100 percent believing, being a good little dubbie to the exact opposite - an apostate.

  Now I have 100 times more free time, make four times more money, am happy, and jehovah can come over anytime and clean my toilet. And wow, am I comfortable saying that.
• 

  jamiebowers

  I'm glad to hear that! And, yes, it is a relief to get to the point that, despite life's problems, happiness can be found.
• 

  feenx

  I know EXACTLY what you mean. I still find myself at times starting to think about something from a JW point of view and I have to correct myself. And sometimes I do have to remind myself that fornicating *GASP* is NOT wrong. Along with many other things that we were forced to supress all for the sake of a farse. My family unfortunately was very abusive which added an un-needed layer to my relationship with my parents. I am an only child and they are my only non-abusive family (though they have their issues as well, never abuse). They have told me countless times over the years that my view of the organization is skewed as a result of my grandfathers abuse and his ability to get away it, and that if I simply realized and accepted that that my view would change and I would see the organization for the imperfect yet beautiful thing that it is. *GAG*

  While my grandfather certainly didn't help matters with his chronic and violent pedophilia, he is not the reason why I am not a part of the WTBS. Just as they would all feel personally and morally wrong for ever leaving, I would feel disgusted with myself and intensely wrong to be a part of that dispicable institution of lies and control. I also can't tell you how lovely it feels to have your own parents essentially trivialize your issues with religion and abuse, two large, complex and SEPERATE topics, into one simple answer that apparently I'm just too stubborn to see.

  Now, 7 years later (I celebrate the anniversary of my DF-ing every year), an only child with parents who have cut me off from contact, I have a chosen family of friends, a live-in girlfriend with whom I talk about marriage and children and most of all a sense of self, intelligence and an interest in life and the world I never could've fathomed inside the organization.

  Sometimes I think that if earnest JW's could simply put their judgements aside for just a few minutes and truly listen to the stories of how much better people feel, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually after leaving the organization that somehow their hearts would be touched. But then I snap out of it and realize in order to do that they would need to think and feel for themselves, instead of being sheep in a massive herd unknowingly controlled by wolves.
• 

  BabaYaga

  Perhaps not a dream come true (because it has been a long, on-going journey) but a long shot at best, and pretty danged remarkable to say the least.

  My Honey has the greatest respect for those of us who were born-in and found our own minds and our own way out. He is right... the odds of that happening are astounding.

  We rock! Hooray for independent thinking and reasoning abilities!