This is going to be a long post, but if you don’t have time or simply don’t want to read the whole thing the first paragraph is really all that is necessary to understand the gist of this thread:
Sometimes I think the way my life turned out is to good to be true. I have been out of the WTBS for over 3 years now, and if you had asked me 4 years ago if I would ever leaved I would have told you firmly “I will never leave Jehovah’s organization!” And I would have meant it. Even though I was severely depressed I believed it was God’s one organization and the thought of actually leaving seemed an impossibility to me. Even though there are many difficulties in a so called “worldly” life I am just so happy I made it out of that hellish cult.
Even with the problems we all individually face, does it ever feel like a dream come true to you that you got out of the WTBS?
I look back at my life and it seems I am 1000 years old. I was talking to a co-worker who is only 9 years my senior but she looked at me and said, “it’s funny your so young but you have been through so much in your life.” I just smiled and shrugged it off. I understand what she means though, I have been through more in my 25 years than some people will go through their entire life time. Of course many others have experienced difficulties by age 7 that I will never have to face down in all my years. The point is because of all I have been through it seems my life as a Jehovah’s Witness was eons ago. I don’t feel like the same person.
In the past three years I have had to overcome one JW mindset after another, constantly realizing why I do things the way I do them. It is amazing, and sometimes disturbing, how deeply my years of cult training deeply effected my psyche.
I remember how convinced I was that the WTBS was the truth. I was and advocate for Jehovah, I prayed at times for hours and really believed he was listening to my every word. I remember how trapped I felt, I never believed I would be able to leave the WTBS. It was my entire life after all, my entire social network, my entire belief system was based on what they printed. I remember how good I felt when I helped out one of the “brothers or sisters” or when the elders gave me compliments.
I remember doing hours of research into WTBS publications and thinking, it all makes since now, they really do have the truth. I remember feeling loved by Jehovah and I thinking I would never leave him, even though I believed he would probably kill me at armageddon.
I remember when I was planning on leaving and dissociating myself I could scarcely believe I was actually going to do it. I remember being in shock for a month after leaving, having no ability to think about anything important.
And now I look at how much my life has changed. I moved halfway across the US, I have a job and openly talk to people about the damaging effects of the WTBS. I am what they would call an “apostate”. The things that are so natural to me now like using profanity, having adult relations with my girl friend, smoking, going out to see an R movie, telling obscene jokes that are hilarious, saying “merry christmas” or “happy newyears” used to make me cringe and feel out of place.
I am so happy that over the past three years I have defeated the deeply ingrained teachings of the WTBS. I no longer fear them or their publications, I don’t fear their elders or their judgments. I feel free!
I am reading a few publications for the sake of my youtube channel (CSTheApostate). Only a year ago reading any WTBS publication made me feel sick to my stomach. Literally I would feel sick and my heart would start pounding just to attempt to read anything they print. I am reading the YPA book and the Evolution book, and other than being incredibly boring I am having no trouble. I don’t know if I can truly describe the feeling with words no matter how much I type. It is just an incredible feeling to know the constant fear and control they once had on my life is gone forever.
I guess its the fact that growing up I truly believed I COULDN’T leave, as I said in the first paragraph it seemed an impossibility to me. And even when I did leave I “knew” I was going to go back one day if the big A didn’t come first. And now that I have left and I have found out the “truth about the troof” my mind seems at ease. It just seems to me like a dream come true! :D