District Convention Drama Formula (modern day)

by AllTimeJeff 6 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • AllTimeJeff
    AllTimeJeff

    Remember, the GB picks the theme, approves the script, etc.....

    So a modern day drama will start out typically with

    Husband getting home from work,

    Wife has meal ready, unless she is a bad wife, which will be noted throughout the drama

    Kids walk through, say hi, have no time for dinner, on way to play outside with worldly neighbor kids

    Husband looks at wife and says "We used to be happier then this. What happened?"

    Wife says, "When you and I pioneered....."

    (insert bullshit dream sequence)

    Wife then says "Brother elder/former CO/Missionary said that he missed you at the meeting and would like to have a cup of coffee with you. (insert laughter at innocent attempt to arrange indoctrinating shepherding call)

    Husband sighs, shakes head: "Wife, those 5 years pioneering when our contraception worked were the 5 happiest years of my life. I can't remember a single individual thought I had. Those were the days....."

    Segway to one of husbands kids at school

    Evil worldly high schooler, dressed in knee high socks and a one inch heel: "Hey there JW kid. When will you hang around us kewl kids? We are going to smoke camel dung and worship the dark lord Satan, followed by hours of painful sex and jail time! Why do you always say no?"

    JW kid thinking to himself: "If I say no, Jehovah will be proud of me, and then I can save myself for a closeted gay ex Bethelite elder who will have sex with me once a year. If I say yes though, I will displease my indoctrinated parents, Jehovah will smite me, I might get pregnant from thinking about sex... I might even masturbate again! Plus, I really like that boy. He is so cute and popular! And he seems disease free!"

    JW kid: "Ok, I will go..." (gets arrested)

    Elder drops by after parents post bond: "Say, do you remember when you were happy?"

    JW husband thinks to himself: "No, can't say that I have?"

    Elder: "That was when you were so busy pioneering and doing everything we told you to do that you were to busy to think. Wouldn't you like to go back to the good ol days?"

    JW husband: "Yes! But how can I since my kid just got busted for smoking camel dung, worshiping Satan, and standing next to (gasp!) a boy!??"

    Elder: "Well, lets look up this scripture at....." (good time to get up, go to smelly convention center bathroom, and scratch nuts. Walk around with the non spiritual people at the DC who are desperately trying to keep the last 5% of their sanity. Smile at each other knowingly....)

    (End of drama) Family is dressed up, out in service. Mom just signed up to Reg Pioneer again with her paroled daughter. JW husband has had lips surgically attached to the ass of the Elder who did Shep call. Recently promoted to "Assistant to the Assistant Book Study Conductor". Hopes to be Ministerial Servant in 2-10 years.

    Loud reworked Kingdom Melodies blast through Convention Center as Family with elder walks off stage to thunderous applause. Hundreds of single pioneer sisters get unusually aroused at thought of worshiping Jehovah for large stretches of the week in their 10 year old Honda.... Chairman walks up, thanks participants, and says after song, we can now feast on Hoagies and Shasta Lemon Lime....

    Ah, the good ol days....... Thanks for reading this rambling BS.....

  • bluecanary
    bluecanary

    Hilarious. My favorite line:

    those 5 years pioneering when our contraception worked
  • whathehadas
    whathehadas

    You funny JeffB! Hey how about gettin up during the boring symposiums and goin on a men's restroom hunt. Thanks for the Brothers who take away ALL the restrooms and give them to the sisters. They manage to leave one but good luck in finding it!

  • WTWizard
    WTWizard

    What they leave out is that, if they go back to pio-sneering, they are not going to be anything like they were the last time (and that's if they really were happy last time--usually, they were not). It is going to be a stagnation trap. And, there is even less mental stimulation now than there was just 20 years ago--I have given comments that, while not bashing the religion, had they been given today would have resulted in a hounding. Field circus itself is much more simplified, rendering it stagnation waiting to happen. They simply want more of it--taking away all your time while depriving one of mental stimulation.

    And that is supposed to create happiness?

  • no more kool aid
    no more kool aid

    Jeff, you are too much! My husband and I laughed for a good 10 minutes at this one. You articulated that so perfectly. You just forgot the either warm or frozen pudding (no in between) and the rotten fruit bag (why do you think that bathroom is so smelly?)

  • AllTimeJeff
    AllTimeJeff
    You just forgot the either warm or frozen pudding (no in between) and the rotten fruit bag

    Lol! No I didn't, its just that the brain sometimes blocks out certain trauma......

    (why do you think that bathroom is so smelly?)

    Well, during the last talk of the DC, Br Chairman will get up and ask everyone to applaud the hundreds of volunteers who cleaned up in the 24 hour bubble they had before the start of the first days and the Marilyn Manson concert held the night before. All of MM's groupies smell like essence d'sewer. They are required to leave some form of bodily fluid every 10 square feet. JW's are required to clean that up in 24 hours, as an expression of spirituality and love for the good lord YHWH himself.

    Afterward, volunteers are asked to dismantle the stage, and the beautiful flowers that you see here in front of the platform are available for a small donation....

  • AllTimeJeff
    AllTimeJeff
    What they leave out is that, if they go back to pio-sneering, they are not going to be anything like they were the last time (and that's if they really were happy last time--usually, they were not). It is going to be a stagnation trap.

    It's never the same... When you start out pioneering, its cool, tell you realize that if you really want to make this a career, its a career of visiting the same houses over and over, in a mini van with a bunch of indoctrinated people. I can't tell you how crazy happy those prospects made me....

    Yet, the dramas portray it as a "when were you happiest" scenario, hoping that you are too stupid to realize that this is essentially a 7th grade level play, complete with horrible script, one to two lousy jokes, and really really bad music.

    And at the end, you are supposed to want to serve YHWH more?

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