by Celtic 6 Replies latest jw friends
How many of you can distinctly remember back to your teenage years? Did you ever get the feeling when you were younger that your family was dysfunctional despite the 'kingdom smiliness' show?
Did you ever try to run away from home? What were your experiences?
Anything to share?
Peace
Celtic
It is very suprising it doesn't happen more often. Before I was a teenager I came up with many elaborate plans to run away, i.e. not have to attend meetings and study for them the other days of the week....Since I already believed in what the rational call a high level of fantasy, like the belief in real demons,etc,...it wasn't hard to immagine I could leave my family in toto. When your family becomes fractionalized by what may be labelled the JW elitism, no number of visits to the hall will fix it. I never saw half of my family and didn't even know their names until I was in my late 20's, because they smoked, drank, and would rather go fishing than ever go to church. The other half was crazy and was only accepted because they were JWs. The only upside is actually meeting and seeing those people again who you never forgot about, away from JWland...even after many years...I got lucky and took the leap early at 17 and thank DOG!
At 18 I left home and I've never regretted it. I think it's made me a stronger person not turning to mommy and daddy for help when life got hard.
As far as dysfunctional family is concerned, most of us realized we wanted normalacy when we tried to be separate from the "idlyic" family unit. Especially durning all those powerplay bible studies. All my parents did was talk about how much more spirtual they were than other families in the congreation.
Hi Valis, Watergoddess, et al,
It would seem that the high rate of dysfunctionality among JW families is one of the WT Society's dirtiest secrets, made all the more ironic by those pie-in-the-sky, idealized illustrations in the magazines depcting smiling familes fawning over each other as they prepare meals, fix cars or recreate together. ``Why can't MY family be mroe like that?'' is the average JW's the most common reaction to these pictures.
In their heart of hearts, most elders grimly realise the ugly realities of the true state of affairs -- that strong, loving family unity is more myth than reality among their flock -- as they trudge through their duties, which too often include crisis management and mediation, or worse, of family disputes and problems -- while at the same time taking them away from THEIR familes.
What else can you expect from an organization that pays lip service to family togetherness, a child's legitimate need for fun and recreation, parent-to-child intimacy and communication, and with the next breath piles piles on onerous, time-consuming burdens?
For the consicentious witness, there's a never-ending treadmill of study (or, more accurately, indoctination), field service, meetings on top of meetings, preparation for meetings (including edlers' meetings and meetings to have meetings in the case of those family heads unfortunate enough to hold positions in the congregation) vacations planned aound assemblies, ad infinitum, ad nauseum.
I can't help to think that all JW families are dysfunctional. The belief system itself is based on an authoritarian "parent fingure". The religous community is the "family" that is at the mercy of the authoritarian spiritually abusive WT parent. The elders also carry out this "family" agenda designated by the dysfunctional "parent". It is based on burdonsome, unreasonable expectations, and failure brings on blame, shame, guilt, punishment, and abandonment. It is also a parent that wants secrecy and loyalty from the family members when cruelty and abuses take place, and if the one being spiritually abused, or for that matter, any other type of abuse, the rest of the "family" must not talk about it, so the WT parent can continue the dysfunctional "parenting". I think also since congregations are run by families, and the elders bring this dysfunctional way of thinking home and mimic the WT way of being an authoritarian parent wanting "perfection" and "obedience" and "loyalty" that goes far beyond what is normal. Families from the world who are converted are usually vulnerable due to some kind of lacking in their life, turn to this parent organization for "parent guidance" and then bring thier own dysfunction in generationally. By the time these dysfunctional families raise their families to adulthood many become the new generation of families taking over leadership in the congregations with thier own issues. The ones who have the courage to see it and leave are taking the first steps to breaking the cycle of abuse. Just my opinion. In any event I am glad my family has now chose to "run away" from the WT and distance ourselves from it, the way one would want to distance themselves from an abusive situation. Spiritual abuse is also emotional abuse and can be very damaging. It takes away the hopes and dreams of young people, and keeps them from being allowed to make mistakes that they inevitably will. Any religious community that abandons a young person for not conforming to the theology is a spiritual community that is dysfunctional. Our young people are our resources, and blessings, even when they make mistakes. Every other religious community that is nurturing and normal provides forgiveness and nurturing for the youth when they are at their most vulnerable age and most likely to rebel. I think it is so important to be their for our children as they stumble into adulthood even during the normal mistakes that are common for them.
celtic, great thread topic
i can remember my teenage years and for me they were filled with strife. i fought very hard against my parents (and jws) rules and restrictions. my family was a typical family not super dysfunctional (i wasn't beaten or molested.) of course throwing jw-ism into the mix doesn't help and i think can make a typically normal family into more of a dysfunctional one. i do know that i was very stubborn and like most teens, thought i knew everything. my parents were dumb, their rules were dumb, their religion was dumb. and all of that combined made my life not so fun. so i decided "screw it" i'm old enough to do my own thing...started cultivating friendship with worldly schoolmates. i lied to my parents, like, "hey, i'm going to the library after school" and then head over to a friends house. i did have a jw partner in crime for a lot of this rebelling in my young teenage years. (she's still a dub) we got in trouble, she started toeing the line and being "good" again, i just slipped more and more into my worldly friends' lives.
okay anyways...on to the running away and my experiences...this would have been the summer of 92, right before my da. i was angry with my parents (of course i can't remember exactly why...they must have said i couldn't do something that would be totally reasonable to non jw parents) and my friend had suggested i could stay with her at her dad's. so we get home from school, i pack up a few things and leave. never called to tell my mom i was "staying" with a friend. mom (the smart woman she is) figured out where i was and sent various members of my family to try to get me to come home. i would hide in the basement until they went away (we wouldn't answer the door.) finally, mom had enough, she sent the cops to pick me up. kirsten and i were out on the boat and we see the cop walking around the back of her house. we decide to stay on the lake, they can't get us here. well, finally we had to come in...i was placed in the back seat of the cop car and then at the station they put me in the drunk cell(thank god no drunks occupied the cell!) i was SOOOOO angry with my mom. of course, now i understand her actions and how horrible it must have been for those few hours that she had idea where i was. but i remember clearly feeling she didn't care about me as much as she cared about the control she had over me. scary thought when your 17.
the jw thing just messed it all up for me and my 'rents when i was a teen. they never listened to me or my reasoning why i felt i should be allowed to do something. and it made me so upset that i could do pretty much anything with witness kids (concerts, movies, sleep overs, get togethers/parties, even drinking with my older sis) but nothing with my school friends. i never understood the logic behind their reasoning on association. i'd always tell them, but you don't KNOW my friends!!! the whole, if she/he's a jw, he MUST be a good person is bs. thankfully my parents have realized that just because someone's a jw does not mean they are automatically good people.
shorty after i returned home from my "running away" i was forced to da myself. (a little background...i'd already been busted for smoking, had tried pot a few times and had lost my virginity at this point in life....) i wanted to attend the homecoming football game with my friend kirsten. dad said no, i said i'm going, he said no, i said yes. he says, "if you want to go with your friends, you need to da yourself. you are not living like a jehovah's witness." i told him to get me a pen and paper. one sentence long was my da letter. i signed it and handed it to him, smiled (i'm sure a bitchy little hah! smile) and got into my friend's car.
sparing all the yucky details of life at home after that, i'm happy to say that now, my parents and i have a pretty great relationship. mom encouraged me to go to school, since i was no longer a witness (thanks mom!) she told me to keep my permanent address as their address so they would be able to talk to me after i moved to the city for school. i think for me, running away, da-ing myself, basically standing up to my parents has helped us grow close in the long run. yeah sure, it sucked at first, i was the ultimate black sheep of the family, looked down upon, pitied. but i picked myself up and said, hey, i'm doing what I want to do. and now they look at me with pride in their eyes. i set boundaries early on with them. they know not to preach to me, although i do get the occasional invite to a meeting or assembly but it's never pushy, just an invite. and i easily can say no and know that there will be no hard feelings. they know that am in control of my life and let me live. i'm so thankful for that.
unfortunately i have one bro and sis that do shun me. but i find comfort that 4 of the 6 people in my immediate family enjoy my company :)
anyways, well, celtic, thanks for the questions. feels good to write about this stuff. helps to put in perspective. *hugs*
love
harmony
Most people think, Great God will come from the skies, Take away everything And make everybody feel high. But if you know what life is worth, You will look for yours on earth: And now you see the light, You stand up for your rights.~~Bob Marley
wow, mony, thanks for sharing your autobiography with us
it's interesting to see a story from the perspective of one of those young people in the congregation i viewed as "rebellious" back then. I was almost always the good guy, the one at least older people looked to as a Good Example for their own kids. Yuck!
My 'rents (hehe i keep picking up monyisms) were generally liberal and since I behaved, I was allowed lots of freedom. Seems I had my teenage rebellion way too late, and missed out on lots of fun
- Jan
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"Doctor how can you diagnose someone with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and then act like I had some choice about barging in here right now?" -- As Good As It Gets
