My friends, we are in a precarious condition that worsens by the minute and shows no signs of relenting. That's right folks, global tilting.
Not many people know about global tilting, but it is the angle produced when an imaginary rod is rammed through the center of the globe's rotation and an angle relationship taken between that rod and an arbitrary "up." That angle has been 15 degrees for the past 976,000 years, but slowly it's starting to increase. As Americans gain weight, the tilt tends to follow the USA as the globe rotates, it currently goes from a paltry 14 degrees to a hefty 16 degrees.
Why should we care though, right? Well my friends, I'm glad you asked. When that angle reaches a critical point of 16 1/2 degrees, the earth will start to wobble like a car tire out of balance. Water will slosh around and cause tsunamis and tidal waves. Freshwater fish will be flung from their homes into a salt hell of an ocean. Birds will not be able to hit windshields as easily.
So, what's the plan? Go on a diet you lard asses! That's right, the future of our planet depends on you exercising your royal bum off. And just so you gain the motivation to save the world, I've written a motivational book for you, only $39.95. 9 out of 10 scientists agree that global tilting is real and it affects the entire world! Act now! Don't delay!