Getting in touch with a DF'd former acquintance....puzzled at how to respond

by Alana 6 Replies latest jw friends

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  Alana

  I was wandering around FaceBook and spotted someone from my last congregation before I 'faded'. I knew that she had had some problems and was at a time DF'd. I didn't know if she would respond to a message from me (as some other former "friends" wouldn't) or not. But, she did.

  We have been emailing back and forth and catching each other up on our lives. She is currently DF’d a second time, but trying to get reinstated, but only half-heartedly as she has a close male relationship and worldly friends that she hates to have to give up. She tried to give them up for a few months, but couldn’t do it. She has also been diagnosed as bi-polar and post-traumatic stress syndrome, which has been part of her ‘problems’ leading to activity that has gotten her DF’d twice. She has two kids, who want her to “do what’s right” and come back to the meetings. She is a 3 rd or 4 th generation JW, so most all her family are JW’s and in the area. Being a JW was very much ingrained into her all her life.

  From her emails, I sense that she really wishes that she can have the best of both worlds……her life now and her family. But, she is aware that this is not truly possible. I feel so bad for her. I told my husband about her situation and he just can’t get over how JW’s break up families. I have tried to say things here and there to her about my status and why I cannot go back…..not in a lot of detail, as I don’t want to scare her away by appearing as the Big Bad Apostate.

  However, I received an email today that stated that as far as her “…becoming a JW…I never really gave up my beliefs, just develop some habits that don’t jive.” She goes on to say that whatever I do is my business and she is not out to judge, but that she is actively trying to get back though, so perhaps it could be best if we don’t discuss our habits anymore. But then she goes on to tell me more about her life and having to learn to date and some things like that (which I think is talking about ‘habits’, but whatever.)

  I am torn as to how to proceed. I would like to perhaps meet up with her, but not feeling all that comfortable about that right now. Associating with me wouldn’t help her get back and who knows if being seen with her could sic the brothers on me or something. Any suggestions?
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  troubled mind

  I have kept in contact with a former sister that was Df'd . We have talked several times ,but I have found she still holds to her former beliefs very strongly. She continues to believe that she is just not good enough . She has gone back to smoking and would go back to meetings if she could quit smoking . Her daughter told me the brothers stopped by and asked if she wanted to have a study again ......:(

  Now I wish I had not told her a few things . Oh well .

  I am glad she is not judgemental towards me however I know that will have to change if she gets active again so I keep it light and don't get too close.
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  Alana

  Thank you, Troubled Mind. I do believe that you are right on target on this one. Before you responded, my mind was going in that same direction. I was hoping when we started emailing that maybe I could help her feel better about leaving or help her along that journey, but I don't think that is the way she wants to go in the long run. Thank you for validating my concerns.
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  Purza

  I am inactive and I do have some relationships with weaker dubs. I never bring up anything controversial and I just enjoy the little time I do spend with them. They do not need to know how I really feel about their religion, and they don't preach to me. It works on both ends. Could you perhaps try to be friendly with her, without being negative about what she believes? If she just wants to talk, let her (to the extent you can handle it) and don't throw anything back at her. Perhaps in time she will see you are a "true" friend. Just a thought.

  Purza
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  calico

  It's interesting to me how people pick and choose which rules to follow. Oh, they can quit meetings and have a worldly boyfriend and worldly friends--sleep around--smoke or whatever.

  BUT--if you start questioning the society--OMG you are so evil and unforgivable.
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  chickpea

  i believe there is ample cause to adapt
  the derision i heard applied to "selective"
  followers of the pope.....those who pick
  and choose which edicts they will embrace
  (esp in connection with birth control)

  cafeteria Witnesses.....
  strolling the line choosing this
  discarding that, two desserts
  but sugar substitute in the coffee....

  too bad they forget that the
  menu of the b0rg offers a
  blue plate special
  NO SUBSTITUTIONS!

  mate, i dont know what is appealing
  about a relationship that comes with
  an automatic "walk on eggshells"
  criteria.... i wonder if this person
  has similar concerns about your issues

  hope you get out of it what you need
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  Nowman

  I have gotten in touch with 1 particular childhood JW friend. I ran into her at a place called John's Garage in northern Illinois, by accident. She is such a beautiful girl, as we were catching up, we obviously could not believe we ran into each other, she proceeds to tell me she just got out of prison the day before, she was with her sugar daddy, as I found out later....

  It was so weird. Then I tell her about this website, she scolded me for going to apostate websites! Our conversation did not last much longer than that. Here I was shocked she got out of prison (over a terrible girl spat by the way) but not judging her, and she decides to lecture me about an ex-JW website.

  Whatever. Those type of ex-jws are still JWs basically, still holding on...I know its because she is still brain washed, its just crazy.

  Nikki