My mom

by coolhandluke 8 Replies latest jw friends

  • FlyingHighNow

    I don't know. I think I'd tell her to give it up. We all know that life is a constant redefinition of our former selves.

  • Mickey mouse
    Mickey mouse

    I don't know how old your mum is but I'm coming to the conclusion that for some older ones taking "the truth" away from them is cruel. I also feel you can't take it away from someone else, the act of freeing themselves has to come from within.

    I would actually be concerned if the WBTS imploded as many would not be able to function. I'd sooner see it fade from it's former glory gradually as it already is. That way these poor victims whose whole existence is tied up with a human organization won't lose their crutch in their twilight years. I know some will disagree with that but there it is.

  • tooktheredpill


    I understand how you feel. I'm having a very similar situation with my parents, specially with my mom. I haven't been in a meeting in more than a month, and she called me yesterday.

    It's very difficult to know that my mom is suffering. "You are dying spiritually", "you can't stop going to the meetings", "I want to see you in the New Order"... It breaks my heart.

    She's 67 yrs old, and she has been a Witness for more than 35. Who am I to kill her hopes at her age?

    It's really painful for us. But, from certain point of view, is not her fault, and it's not my fault.

    Damned cult.

  • no more kool aid
    no more kool aid

    I struggle with this everyday, every minute, do I keep doing something that makes me and my whole immediate family miserable while our parents are still around? How long might that be, a long time, I hope. I could be a Sunday only person and I tried that towards the end, but you know how it is they just hound you at every meeting about doing more. Or you are under the microscope "there must be a reason this family isn't doing more" and investigations are launched. I just want to be left alone. My parents really are not questioning much right now, kind of walking around on egg shells. The elders call here all the time, I just don't want to have that meeting, they find a reason to disfellowship me and I can never talk to my parents again. It's really a tightrope act.

  • troubled mind
    troubled mind

    Coolhandluke What would happen if you were just open and honest about the life you now lead ? She already knows you respect her life style as a witness .I think she can handle honesty . It could also benefit her to see you are really happy . Explain to her you want her to have a full share in your life and that means having her share your joys . She is missing out knowing you have love , fun , and friends. She is probably worried that w/o the meetings and service you are wasting away lonely and bored !

  • Hortensia

    After I rejected the WTBTS, my mother and I eventually came to a decent relationship. I made a point of calling her every day after her husband died, even if we didn't really have anything to talk about. I asked about her day and listened to her stories and tried to help her out when I could. She wasn't interested much in my life, although I shared some stuff with her. I'm glad now, since she died, that I made the effort. This doesn't help you much, but I hope it encourages you to just keep trying to stay connected with your mom. I agree that it would be cruel to take away the whole JW thing from someone who has been in it for years, unless you can replace it with something as strong.

  • Gopher


    Good for you that you at least have some form of relationship with your mom. It's sad that a difference in religious viewpoint makes it seem so hollow.

    Good for you too, that you didn't advise her to leave the JW's. That would have backfired big time. Keep trying to find that common ground, good luck.

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex
    The past 5 years my mom and I have tried to find a new common ground. I can still quote scriptures better than most practicing JWs. It happens almost by reflex in conversation with her. It breaks her heart. I don't know how to resolve that for her. All I know is that I love my mom.

    Ah my friend, I have lived through what you're living through right now. Please bear with me for just a moment.

    I left the Witnesses in 1989 over the child abuse policy. Nina, my wife, chose to stay even though she said she supported me she would not "leave Jehovah". For a couple of years she endured several dozen logical, well-reasoned, Biblically-based arguments, where I proved Jehovah's Witnesses wrong. She invited not 1 elder, but all 9 elders from our congregation. They all dutifully trooped into our home, and I (again) kicked ass. Backwards and forwards, using the Bible, using logic, using common sense (which ain't that common if you ask me) and even using psychology which I was learning while seeing a wonderful therapist for my own child abuse issues. All 9 elders, 2 circuit overseers and a handful of elders from other congregations left my home convinced I was from the Devil but with their tail between their legs.

    Didn't matter. She was still going to "stay true to Jehovah".

    And frustration set in. This is where I still feel embarassment. Logic didn't work. Reason didn't work. The Bible didn't work. Love didn't work. I became very angry. I would rip to shreds (literally) the magazines. I would throw the Society's books across the room, screaming at the top of my lungs. I once even threw a telephone through a wall. Not against it. Through it. Not exactly my best moment.

    Finally came acceptance. What I realized is that Nina was on her own path. It was her journey, not mine. My responsibilty was to me, and to take care of myself, and resolve the justified anger towards those who hurt me decades ago so it would not hurt the woman who stood before me in the present.

    And so I came out on the other side. Well, eventually.

    But when I regained sanity, I understood what was happening. I understood Nina was not ready to leave. There were many reasons, not the least of which was she was afraid. Of what? Some was fear of the unknown, some was fear of standing up to others, but mostly it was fear of trusting in herself.

    CHL, she was afraid to believe that she was right. She knew in her heart what to do, but she could not allow herself to believe she was right.

    Reading your post, I cannot help but wonder if this behavior is similar to your mother.

    My mom lives for her bible students. She lives to put her time in serving a cause that she thinks is righteous and just.

    This was Nina. She believed with all her heart. And when doubts crept in, and logical, reasoned, Bible-based arguments were presented to her that she could not answer, it frightened her.

    My point in saying all of this to you, is to say that your mother is on her own path. Yes you love her, as she loves you, but sometimes there comes the parting of the ways. You have knowledge that she does not. You know both sides, both what it is to be in that sect and what it is to be outside of it. And what it means to FEEL outside. She does not have that. This means you must be the bigger person and allow her to find her own way in her own time.

    This may mean that she never leaves. I was very, very lucky. Nina did finally leave. But it took 13 years and her son coming down with a horrific illness to do it. I was prepared to go through life with there always being something between us because I loved her, and I understood more than she did.

    It's empty where my mom and I used to have this common ground. Its empty in all of the places where we used to fit so easily, where no subject was taboo, where I didn't worry about accidentally telling her about some part of my life that is off limits, empty where I would normally be able to tell her about being in love, or that one time at that bar, or that one time at that birthday party

    Yeah. Been there my friend. It is a cold, and lonely feeling isn't it? And the saddest part of all is you cannot tell her about it because she won't understand.

    Again I say, you have knowledge she does not. You have moved forward while she remains behind.

    One of the most difficult parts of love, is accepting someone even at the cost of that cold and empty feeling. And even more with the knowledge that they do not know what it costs you. Acceptance of her comes with the knowledge you do not need to explain to her. You just ... do it. And take it in. And the sadness and the pain and the emptiness becomes part of the love you feel toward her.

    This is, I believe, true love. The ability to accept someone as they are, rather than who you would have them be.

    And I feel you my friend.


  • coolhandluke

    Thank you all so very much for taking the time to help me with this.

    Especially you Big Tex

    This is, I believe, true love. The ability to accept someone as they are, rather than who you would have them be.

    That is perfect. Exactly how I was feeling in the conversation with her. Thanks for sharing so much, for just taking the time man. Thank you.

Share this