Ask Gloomy Gus : - (

by compound complex 6 Replies latest watchtower scandals

  • compound complex
    compound complex


    Are you entirely too cheerful for your own good? Is your outlook on life sugarcoated? Do you give cretins the benefit of the doubt?

    Well, then, get a grip! Toss those rose-colored glasses! Let Gloomy Gus assist you to see things the way they really are.

    You'll be not unhappy you asked ...

    : - (


    Dear Gloomy Gus,

    I'm Pollyanna and I'm glad all the time. Since I fell out of the giant elm tree outside my bedroom window when I was a wee lass, I've thanked heaven that I received no more than a scratch on my pretty little forehead. I'm really blessed and I wish to spread goodwill and cheer to all whom I meet. Now that I'm quite grown up and have inherited Aunt Polly's considerable fortune and, in fact, her entire eponymous village, I want to do good toward all. It is not enough, I feel, simply to go to the homes of the less fortunate and, along with Nancy (yes, she works for me now!) hand out jars of calves' foot jelly and the like.

    What do you think I should do with my millions now that I'm in complete control of my life and my fortune (yes, it's really, really mine!) and village and inhabitants entirely in my thrall?


    Pollyanna H.

    Miss Priss Pollyanna,

    I took a blow to the head very young in life when I was dipping pigtails of precious darlings like you in my inkwell when I was supposed to be doing my arithmetic in class. Mr. Kravitz would have been thrown in the slammer if he did that today. Of course, Mr. Kravitz got the go-ahead from my parents and the local police to use whatever means necessary to keep me in line. I digress. I think I counted some 20 self-references: "I," "my," "mine." Don't quote me on the figure - like you would!

    It makes me sick that your "I" problem wasn't attended to sooner. But that's not the issue now. It's on the back burner for the moment.

    Have you finally replaced the boiler that nearly took down the orphanage and all its hapless victims? Your dear Aunt Polly sure had to be hit over the head before she saw to renovating that derelict building where she stuffed all the parentless children. And when you have guests over, do you serve them more than a "light lunch"? That was pretty cheap of your aunt who surely had the staff and means to put on a real feast. What do plan on doing to help the orphans? You're an adult now - well, at least chronologically. Do you have Adult Services available to these now-grown orphans? I doubt you do, or even care. A lot of good your money does you. You are so not selfless!

    It doesn't matter what you plan on doing here on out after my entirely justified diatribe. My mind's made up. Money is the root of all evil! And you'll grow old and lonely like your spinster aunt because no one will have you.

    GG : - (((

  • nomoreguilt

    CoCo, I once had a pair of rose colored glasses. It seemed as though the world was always gloomy. Only after taking them off, did I realise that it wasn't the world that was gloomy looking it was the ORG that gave me the ROSE colored glasses.

    I appreciated our call yesterday and hope your day was better for it as was mine. Carry on with your writing, I enjoy it friend.


  • compound complex
    compound complex

    Dear Mr. NMG:

    We, the staff, will sneak your message to CoCo, who works for GG : - ( ... We'll ask CC what it is you refer to as the Organization. Sounds pretty chilling!

    Our boss is such a sourpuss that he's always down on CC for laughing and smiling. I'm sure he was pleased to visit with you. We better send this off as we're starting to get bad vibes....

    It's a living.

    Staff : - )

  • compound complex
    compound complex

    Dear Gloomy Gus,

    Nobody wants to play games with me at my house. I live in a pretty house and Mother always serves lemonade and cookies. Well, she serves them to me as my friends never come over no matter how many times I ask them. I'm very neat and tidy and always wear a clean button-down shirt and crisp trousers.

    What's wrong with me?



    Get off your backside, put on some grubby duds and start wallowing in the dirt like real boys do. Lemonade AND cookies? Blecch! Sick! Learn how to spit and cuss. You're just as well off no urchin off the street comes into your home. Why I am telling you this I don't know as it couldn't possibly profit me; however, they'd probably rob you blind, knock you out cold and run off with your porcelain doll collection.

    I didn't realize they made 'em like you anymore.

    GG : - (

  • FlyingHighNow

    Dear Gloomy Gus,

    I am young. I am beautiful. I make good grades. I am a cheerleader and always make the homecoming court. I have a line of boys just dying to take me on dates. I drive a pink BMW Daddy bought me when I turned 16. I am a shoe in for Yale since Daddy is an alumni. I never get pimples and I have a great singing voice. I have traveled all over Europe and Australia and have spent summers in Hawaii.

    Here is my question: why don't I have any friends?

  • compound complex
    compound complex

    Editor's note: the horrid views expressed by GG and his egregious manners (notice he never says "Dear" So-and-So?) do not necessarily reflect the standards of All Worlds Universal Syndicate (AWUS). Read at your own risk.

    "It works for me."

    Rainbow Bright:

    Well it certainly does NOT work for me! Making your bed in the morning, slapping on a smile? How's about a slap to the side of the head from an external force? What kind of world would this be if everyone were as cheerful as "MOI"! How pretentious. Some goodie-goodies even go so far as to preach a worldwide Utopia. Nobody's going to shove paradise and beach balls and lion cubs down Gus' throat! All I want is to be left alone by people such as "VOUS" so I can dwell on all the lovely badness that I've made my very, very own. I worked hard for it and no one's going to deprive me of it!

    Lose the Hippie name! I don't even want to write it out again for fear my PC'll crash!

    GG : - (((((((((

  • FlyingHighNow
    Some goodie-goodies even go so far as to preach a worldwide Utopia.

    What?? The world isn't a Utopia? I thought it was. For everyone. Doesn't everyone's daddy buy them pink BMW's. You made me cry, GG. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I'm calling Daddy RIGHT NOW !!!!!

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