Long story short, hubby is a DF’d Dub who is trying to get back … wasn’t raised one, became one when he was like 25 .. Anyhoo, I have issues with the dubs due to knowing so many kids in my HS who were miserable growing up, but Ive been to the KH a few times once when I was an impressionable teenager open minded to what they had to say due to my boyfriend at the time. They made a statement about all other religions are Babylon or harlots or something like that and I knew from that point on that I would never be a part of it. Fast forward to a few yrs ago me and hubby met back up after being separated for 10 years he said he used to be a dub, I said r u going back, he said prob not. I thought that was that and let it roll!
Now, he is going back to meetings, we have discussions he is always saying things like, other religions are based on emotions, JW are based on fact, you just don’t want to change your life, LOL. Or you don’t think Jehovah God deserves a few days out the week. LOL.. Ive let my feelings be known, I have no interest in the “religion”, or any other one as a matter of fact. I don’t really have a choice to have it in my life right now because of him, but Im not becoming one, don’t want to go to the KH. He says what’s the big deal? You should give it a chance. Im like if that’s what you wanna do , more power to you, but ixna on the dubyay for me. LOL . I know he thinks if I go then I will just be like, OMG it is the truth, I have been blinded for all these years and I have seen the light LOLOL
Im way to independent thinking to be a dub , LOL .. I wouldn’t go to a mosque, scientology or mormon church cuz I believe their “religions” are looney tunes too .
My whole point in asking for help is … how can I be crystal clear without being a butthole about it. I mean we only have one car so anything I wanna do on Sunday gotta wait, lol .. My mother is coming in town Sunday and he is like yall can come with me to the meeting and we can leave and go get your mom.. IM LIKE I DON’T WANT TO GO! I don’t want to be an ass about it (sorry for the lang) But what can I do. I love the man, but cant stand the religion, how is that gonna work?
What should I do?
by MrsBee 8 Replies latest jw experiences
-
MrsBee
-
Open mind
"how is that going to work?"
Not as well as it used to.
Sorry.
But it doesn't have to be a marriage killer.
The poster "Daniel-P" has written some good stuff about this kind of situation.
I'll see what I can find.
om
-
Open mind
Found it!
Words of wisdom courtesy of Daniel-P. His situation is slightly different in that they were both JWs and then he became inactive. But I still think most of it makes sense for your situation.
******************************
My wife and I have been together for six years. I've been out for the past year and a half; havent been to one meeting except for the memorial. At first, we had some pretty serious arguments and falling-outs when I was first seriously doubting. I learned that if she was going to change, it was going to be from within. So right there I decided to support her every way i can and to respect her beliefs. ABout a year ago I decided to not speak about any of the reasons why I left the JWs with anybody. This is because I want to be able to fade and have my family. I don't know if this will always work, but its working splendidly well so far. For a while, my family tried very hard to get me to discuss why I was inactive, but I never gave in and told them. I just said that was"off limits" and I wouldn't accept it with anyone. I had been able to explain my reasons to my wife beforehand, and that was enough for me. She accepted it. In return, I'm not constantly on the lookout to undermine her faith. That's not a loving thing to do between a husband and wife. If both have true mutual respect for one another, that would never be an option. For me to do so would be a betrayal to her. If she needs the JW religion for whatever personal reason, I support that wholeheartedly. Like i was always admonished to do as a full-fledged "brother," I try to set a good example of respect and trust. I've placed my trust in her and I'm not holding out - she follows suit and we're a stronger couple for it. Since I've been out, we've grown together in a much stronger way - one reason being that i am truly free in my own mind and that makes me stronger, able to help her more.
My advice to anyone in a similar position is first and foremost: state your personal opinions, observations to your mate, but then leave it at that. Get on with your life and don't harp on the same old objections. Don't engage in spiritual conversations. If you know you have different beliefs, work on repsecting them, not trying to argue your way into a "winning" position. Don't discuss your reasons for leaving the JWs with anyone else. Show lots of affection... this I can't stress enough. It may seem like a small thing to a man, but its absolutely vital to a woman.
I guess there's lot of other things, but those are the ones the stick out in my mind this morning. i would just like to finally say that don't give up in working toward that mutually-respectful relationship. i went through some very rough periods, sought therapy for a few months, talked to others ("wordly" people) to look at things from another perspective, all to get a handle on my situation. I eventually did, and it's been very rewarding. Too many people put too much emphasis on finding a partner who "agrees" with you, or sees things your way religiously. This is bullshit. First of all, its never gonna happen - you'll disagree plenty. Second, it's not vital for a good marraige. Sure, it may make things easier when you're still both young and still finding your own identity, but in the long run, it's not something that holds two people together. Just remember the advice from the ol' Family Book! Love, trust, respect. That's all there is. We all know there's a lot of bullshit in that book, but these three things are ubiquitous.
-dp
-
Mr. Majestic
Let him read your post and it will be crystal…..
-
jamiebowers
Read Combatting Cult Mind Control and try to keep him from re-entering the cult. In the meantime, drop him off at meetings if you need the car.
-
MrsBee
Thanks Open Mind
I get a little flustered at times, and angry and anxious, because this is not what I signed up for, but what can you do but try to work it out lol -
moshe
I wish Johnny Cip and I could come over for a discussion with your hubby and the three or four top elders from the KH. Lock the doors so the elders can't escape before we are done making fools of them. JW's only feel smart and smug because they usually only talk to housholders who just want to get rid of that nuisance at their door.
-
lisavegas420
Since you only have the one car, offer to drop him off and pick him up in a couple hours.
Bring hellium balloons that say "happy birthday" when you pick him up too..just for fun
lisa
-
jgnat
Love the balloon suggestion, LOL. Just the thing to get yourself marked as "bad association".
Hi, I'm a non-JW married to a Witness. I've pretty well convinced my hubby I'm a "lost cause", even when he sometimes spouts the same stupid comments you have to put up with. I took a slightly different approach. I DO go to the Kingdom Hall on occassion, but not so regularly to get their hopes up. I've started a bible study with one of their members and after a short few sessions it was abundantly clear that I am NOT an easy mark. I was dropped like a hot potato. The trick is to get yourself marked as "bad association". Then they will leave you alone like the plague.
I am mostly "hit on" by the pioneer ladies at the hall. I find their forced familiarity oppressing. I have several methods to put them off, though I am often too kind to criticize their religion directly.
- I DON'T share my religious beliefs and affiliations with them. That's personal information. I told one pioneer lady that I'd tell her if she promised to come along to a meeting with me. She declined.
- I DO stare them down when they suggest that theirs are the "happiest people on earth". Now. Really.
- I DON'T give my phone number. I ask for theirs.
- I DO repeat certain phrases over and over just like you would with a salesman. It's called the broken record approach and it does work.
- I DO ask "do you really want to know" what my concerns about the society are, and they usually back off. Many of the veterans, deep down, know there are problems. They are frequently warned away from listening to any bad news. Many get the hint and take off.
Now, in understanding your husband, who is a little harder to avoid, come to learn the difference between when you are talking to the natural man and the cultist. Some of the phrases your husband says could be out of my hubby's lips. Why? Because they are rehearsed and frequently repeated at the hall. It's the cultist talking, not your man. Steve Hassan explains all this in his book, Combatting Cult Mind Control. The trick is to not threaten the cultist, while encouraging the natural man to assert himself. What were your hubby's interests and hobbies before he got sucked back in? Constantly remind your man of those things that make him special and unique.
we have discussions he is always saying things like, other religions are based on emotions, JW are based on fact
Here's a possible response, "Well, since neither you or I attend other churches, you are just spouting off what you heard, aren't you? Since you haven't checked the other side of the story, you can't tell me your conclusion is logical."
you just don’t want to change your life
It's very important to nip this in the bud. The society imparts motives to outsiders and "opposers" all the time. But this is unfair. No-one can know the motives of another unless they are God. Challenge him right up, "Are you God that you can read my heart? Then don't assume. You don't know my reasons." Make him apologize. Correct him and challenge him every time he does this. This will also help him empathize and start thinking about how you might really feel. It will jolt him out of the cult mindset.
Or you don’t think Jehovah God deserves a few days out the week.
A great old slogan from the society. They see everyone else, including other religionists, as lazy. I have a lot to say on this, but I don't know if I can summarize it very well. Basically, does one have to be doing "spiritual" things to be "spiritual"? That is, bible reading, meeting attendance, and so on? Shouldn't a spiritually motivated person be so around the clock, and is marked by the choices they make all through the day? For instance, a morally centred, spiritually motivated boss will abstain from swearing, will genuinely listen to his staff and customers, be fair and just in all his dealings and so on? (Ephesians 6)
He says what’s the big deal? You should give it a chance.
A sales technique to suck you in. You might ask if his baptism was a big deal. What was the commitment required of that act? How was the reinstatement process; was it easy or hard? The big deal is that the commitment is huge.
I know he thinks if I go then I will just be like, OMG it is the truth, I have been blinded for all these years and I have seen the light
That's one reason I do go on occassion. I'm like the little girl who noticed the King wasn't wearing any clothes. I observe, and I tell him afterwards what I saw. I don't candy coat it. He laughs off my observations, but deep down he knows I speak the truth. Perhaps you can put him off if you suggest that he attend with you at a Mormon and a B'hai meeting together first. After all, how can he know it's not the truth if he hasn't tried it? He won't so then you don't have to.
My whole point in asking for help is … how can I be crystal clear without being a butthole about it.
I hope I've given you some ideas. Humor always works, and I suspect you've got that in abundance. I suspect that's why he was attracted to you in the first place. Also like my husband, I suspect he admires your spunk. Deep down he might be using you as his "get out of jail free" card just in case he's made a huge mistake. If I am right about this, just keep showing your spunk. It's one of the reasons he married you.
Yeah, we are a one-car family too and I've often dropped him off and picked him up. It can be done.