I think I’m done. Just done, finished with everything else having to do with anyone else. Reading this, one might think I am a people hater, but I’m not. That’s the problem. Love people. But people love to tell you about their lives, get you into their lives, share their burden. Before long, it’s your burden, too, whether you want it or not, or ask for it or not.
Of course there is the possibility that it’s just my perception. But, I don’t think so. Looking back for the past year, of 08, I can see pretty clearly where my time has gone, and my energy. I like being near my family, the two members of it I have left, but I can’t deal with their lives and decisions anymore. I had to tell one of them their significant other asked me to sell and run drugs for them. Today I found out that person is still around just as before, granted there was a session of absence preceded by a bawling out. But…they are back. Now I’m a squealer and I’m the one who lost something. I asked the question, “if I had said yes to the offer and wound up in prison, would this person still be around?” It doesn’t matter, not really. I used to have faith in people, I used to believe in the greater good. Doing the right thing gets you where you should be. Now I lost the only safe haven I had besides my own home. It was nice while it lasted.
The above is just one example for the year. My clients have broken so many commitments to me that now I am shocked when things are done like I am told they will be. In turn I have had to break commitments. I hate that more than anything. The people tipping the first domino are the ones who need the least, and I watch others like me get left holding an empty plate…if it doesn’t slip out from the sweat of the workday.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s really the right way to do without so others can have, or even just to fulfill a commitment. Maybe I’m just one of the suckers. I’m seriously close to paying off everything I owe everyone and checking out for good, slipping off into the mountains because I have less fear of everything there than the people who are so modern and civilized.
Show me something that gives you faith in humanity, in justice, and helps you continue to be the better person.