Hey all...I am in a bit of a dilemma over the situation with my girlfriend. Let me give you a bit of background info first. When I was 12 my dad left my mom, he came back for my 13 birthday and then when he went to leave again, my mom tried to commit suicide. Since that time, I was my mom's totally emotional support more or less. It was more like I was the parent for a long time. When I was 21 things started to change slowly, but I was mainly her support until last year when i turned 23. I have adjusted to this new freedom and not having to worry about someone 24/7. I have also become more independent myself in a way. My new girl, seems to be fairly needy emotionally and I see her falling very fast into the relationship. Already in "love" less than 2 months in. She is very passive aggressive as well. And that kind of bothers me. I am so scared if I stay in the relationship, I will end up in a caregiver role like I did with my mom, I am not ready for that, and I am not sure if I want to be in the role with another adult ever. Does anyone understand what I am saying? Anyone got any clues for me out there.....
to be or not to be????
by wonderwoman77 8 Replies latest social relationships
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Satanus
wonderwoman
There isn't much to go on. It sounds like you are an aware person. Sometimes people from your background are coodependent. Symptoms are listed below. If you have a lot of them you could be. I'm curious, if you are a woman.
SS
Characteristics of CoDependency (Person Addiction)
The following characteristics are typical of RELATIONALLY ADDICTIVE people. A "person addict" is known as a CODEPENDENT:
1. Typically, we come from a dysfunctional home in which our emotional needs were not met.
2. Having received little real nurturing ourselves, we try to fill this unmet need vicariously by becoming a caregiver, especially to people who appear, in some way, needy.
3. Because we were never able to change our parent(s) into the warm, loving caretaker(s) we longed for, we respond deeply to the familiar type of emotionally unavailable person whom we can again try to change through our love.
4. Terrified of abandonment, we will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order NOT to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with people who were never there emoitonally for us.
5. Almost nothing is too much trouble, takes too much time, or is too expensive if it will "help" the person we are involved with.
6. Accustomed to lack of love in personal relationships, we are willing to wait, hope and try harder to please.
7. We tend to be willing to take far more than 50 percent of the responsibility, guilt and blame in any relationship.
8. Our selfesteem is critically low, and deep inside we believe we must earn the right to enjoy life.
9. We have a desperate need to control people and our relationships, having experienced little security in childhood. We mask our efforts to control people and situations as "being helpful."
10. In a relationship, we are much more in touch with ourdream of how it could be than with the reality of our situation.
11. We are addicted to a person or people and to emotional pain.
12. We may be predisposed emotionally and often biochemically to becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, and/or certain foods, particularly sugary ones.
13. By being drawn to people with problems that need fixing, or by being enmeshed in situations that are chaotic, uncertain, and emotionally painful, we avoid focusing on our responsibility to ourselves.
14. We may have a tendency toward episodes of depression, which we try to forestall through the excitement provided by an unstable relationship.
15. To experience a one on one relationship, we are not attracted to a person who is kind, stable, reliable and interested in us. We find such "nice" people boring.
16. Since we have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, it is easier for us to be concerned with others needs rather than ours. We tend not to take care of ourselves emotionally, physically, spiritually, and/or psychologically. This focus on others, in turn, has enabled us to avoid looking closely at our own faults.
17. We "stuff" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts too muchour feelings our frozen.
18. We tend to sooner or later become isolated from and afraid of people and authority figures.
19. We have become approval seekers and have lost our identity in the process.
20. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
21. We live from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
22. We judge ourselves harshly and without mercy.
23. We experience guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
24. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue.
25. We tend to be perfectionistic and judgmental.
26. We are reactors in life rather than actors.
27. We are entangled in our relationships and we either lean excessively on another (or tolerate that behavior from another) rather than standing as separate individuals reaching out to relate to and help one another.
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OUTLAW
Hey super hero lady,if it dosen`t feel right,its not right.You probably knew that already but didn`t know how to put words to it...OUTLAW
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wonderwoman77
Yes SS, I am a woman...yes I know ALL about codependency. I have seen the signs of it it myself at times. But I do not want this girl to change. I just do not think I can be the person she is emotionally dependent on. What I am doing is trying to avoid falling back into this codependency trap. I was there for 11 years, and I never want to go back. Thanks for the info though. More or less, I think I need to end it, but I have never broken anyones heart, not sure how to do that. Also with the codependent thing, there are many of those things I use to do, but I have moved past them, and healed myself, so that I no longer act in that way. That is why I do not want to need this person with emotionaly trauma, I do not want that again. Make sense?
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Satanus
Wonderwoman
Make sense? Absolutely. Don't let others hold you back. You have sacrificed enough.
I just found out this yr that i'm codependent. Can you give me some pointers for moving through this during the next few years?
Thanks and good luck
SS
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wonderwoman77
SS
Well moving past it is a very difficult feat, as I have not completely done it, but it is possible. First of all I got counseling. I was in counseling two years, that helped me get past a lot of the stuff, but I was still codependent in many ways. My mom and I have almost stopped having a relationship, which helped, it is sad to say that, but getting away from her and her neediness helped me see how much I was needing her to need me and when she did not need me (because she started needing a man that abuses her) i freaked. I was able to work through this, using skills I learned from counseling and in my current psych classes. I also had a realization this summer.
You can only control yourself. You cannot control your environment, you cannot control other people. I was spending time as a codependent trying to control my environment and the people in it and not myself. This was causing me to have extreme emotional reactions, to feel crapped on, etc. Then I just realized. I can only control me, if I am mad or sad, it is because that is my reaction. I may have a right to be mad or sad, but that is all me. I let go of trying to control the world, and my life has been much freer and happier. It is easier said than done, as I still am not perfect at this, but I am and always will be a work in progress...:) Good luck SS, if you want to email me about this let me know and I will give you my addy....
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Satanus
'let go of trying to control the world' Maybe this is something for me. Maybe stuff going shouldn't worry me. As jws, we are told we have a say in a contest that is on an even larger scale than worldly affairs, that between god and the devil. Then also, we were told since we have some special knowledge and others don't, we are responsible for their very lives. Maybe some of the responsibility feeling is still hanging onto me.
Were you in group counceling, or w a psychiatrist/ologist for those 2 years?
Thanks
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wonderwoman77
SS,
I was in one on one counseling with a psychologist at my college. She was the greatest! I think the fact we had a great working relationship helped matters greatly...
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lauralisa
Hi ww77,
I don't have much time to spend reading all that I'd like to on this board, but I've read enough of your posts in the past couple of weeks to get an idea of your background.
I think you are remarkably aware/wise despite your extreme youth, and it is a pleasure to read of one who has survived such ordeals achieve such freedom and potential because of clear-sightedness. Your comments regarding "control" etc. reveal this. (There is some edgy rhetoric to your statements; that is just a gentle observation.)
If I were in your position romantically, I'd get the hell out of it, as soon as possible. There is no shame in being honest with someone you care about. Whether they "hear" you or not.
Acquiring and maintaining a relationship with someone with BPD is mind-numbingly difficult. It will take so much of your cognitive energy to recover from years of living with a mother with this diagnosis. Trying to un-bend your mind's natural patterns everday-every minute is hard work and sucks; it's easy to get distracted from how much work that takes. If your potential partner was someone you couldn't imagine possibly living without and you crave their company every second and you can sense that you are filled with energy and it's an amazing ride, you wouldn' t even question yourself.
Wish you well,
lauralisa
It's only water from a stranger's tear (Peter Gabriel)