Which is me
My husband is a DF’d Dub even though he still believes all the crap.
We have a discussion yesterday where I basically said I feel like I was bamboozled because I didn’t really have the option to choose. If I had the choice, knowing what I know (growing up around a lot of jw’s in my life) I wouldn’t make the choice to marry into the religion because I think its wacked, LOL . I love my husband but I think that his devotion to the Borg could definitely cause a wedge between us, and I think it has a little bit.
Some of the things he said were :
Holidays – Why do we have to do things on a specific day? Why cant we just do them any other time. I celebrate our anniversary; I can’t just turn off what I know to be the truth.
Time Consumption of Meetings – 3 days a week, so you think that is too much to do to please God? (lol) He gives you life but you don’t want to give him a few days a week, it’s a privilege to do so. He is definitely going to go back and be reinstated, saying the reason he spreads out his attendance of the meetings is so that I can adjust .. uh huh
Me not being interested in the dubs – You just don’t want to change your life, you like your life and you don’t want to make the changes to please God, you don’t read the bible to get a full understanding of what God expects of you. I cant force you and Im not gonna try, you should just come with me and see for yourself, im like Nooooo, LOL, been to plenty of meetings in my life, not interested..
Ok, I can admit, Im sure I was rolling my eyes, I got irritated, he makes a comment like, you know me, do you think I would get involved something I haven’t researched?? Im like, you couldn’t have researched this religion thoroughly and make an educated decision to join.
I am wrong because I think Im letting this affect the way I feel about him, Am I just being closed minded? Or realisitic that if/when he gets reinstated that it could be the demise of my marriage. Im sorry this is so long .. Im mad about it, LOL
Some Advice .... for an UBM
by MrsBee 8 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
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MrsBee
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snowbird
I don't have any advice for you, except to eat your Wheaties! Just kidding.
My daughter is still in, and whenever I push, she pushes back harder.
If I were you, I'd leave him alone unless he specifically asked for information on why I won't become a JW.
THEN, I would point out the flipflops in doctrines, the messed-up blood policy, the unloving DF arrangement, etc.
Hang in there. As one of our posters, JCanon likes to say, "Hold on! The ride is going to be a bumpy one!"
Sylvia
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insearchoftruth
Mrs. Bee,
Am pretty much dealing with the same and it tends to crescendo during catastrophic world events (mainly due to the efficiency of todays news). My wife's family were all jws, and my wife has never been baptized and her parents are presently df, but she still believes in all the stuff, or maybe better said, she can not believe in a lot of the non jw doctrine due to jw bias.
Take some time to read the posts, there is some great info from jgnat, MJ, listener. Blondie, GGG and many others, and post questions, you may get a few flippant answers, but the folks here definitely want to help the best that they can.
If I would have known the bizarre attraction of the wts, I would not have married into it at all...but I am where I am and when my wife is outside of jw mode, she is absolutely wonderful, but when in the jw mindset, quite unbearable.
Watch for triggers and when in the jw mindset, there is nothing you will be able to do to help, but when out of the mindset, I have been given advice to plant seeds of doubt, ask questions, but never attack, for they are programmed immediately to react to an attack. There are some issues such as Trinity, cross and paradise earth that are so central to thier teachings and doctrine, they are almost impossible to discuss without a few days of jw mindset.
Was also told to do my best to get her non-jw friends to surround her......have been trying that again, trying to get her to have as much fun and excitement as I can so she can see actually how dull and repetitious the wts really is.
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funkyderek
MrsBee:
My husband is a DF’d Dub even though he still believes all the crap.
They're the worst kind. Like a puppy devoted to an uncaring and cruel master, they invite further abuse.
We have a discussion yesterday where I basically said I feel like I was bamboozled because I didn’t really have the option to choose. If I had the choice, knowing what I know (growing up around a lot of jw’s in my life) I wouldn’t make the choice to marry into the religion because I think its wacked, LOL . I love my husband but I think that his devotion to the Borg could definitely cause a wedge between us, and I think it has a little bit.
That's an important point and one worth reiterating until he gets it. He's the one changing here, not you.
Holidays – Why do we have to do things on a specific day? Why cant we just do them any other time. I celebrate our anniversary; I can’t just turn off what I know to be the truth.
Why not do them on a specific day? The best reason for doing them on a specific day is so that the occasion doesn't get forgotten or diluted. It's fine to say that you give presents all year round, or treat your spouse/mother/children well every day, but setting aside special days for people really makes them feel special (and contrary to what the Watchtower teaches, making people feel special is not a bad thing). The best thing about public holidays (especially Christmas) is that almost everybody gets off work, so it's one of the few times it's possible to get all the people you care about together. All these occasions help give us a sense of time passing and allow us to reevaluate our lives and relationships on an annual basis, which just giving presents or having parties on an ad hoc basis doesn't.
An alternative (or additional) tactic is to ask your husband why JWs celebrate the Memorial™ once a year, instead of "any other time" as is done in the majority of Christian churches.
Time Consumption of Meetings – 3 days a week, so you think that is too much to do to please God? (lol) He gives you life but you don’t want to give him a few days a week, it’s a privilege to do so. He is definitely going to go back and be reinstated, saying the reason he spreads out his attendance of the meetings is so that I can adjust .. uh huh
What could possibly please God about someone sitting listening to apocalyptic and administrative nonsense three times a week? If you want to please God, help the sick, the poor, the downtrodden. Go and work in a soup kitchen three times a week, not a Kingdom Hall.
Me not being interested in the dubs – You just don’t want to change your life, you like your life and you don’t want to make the changes to please God, you don’t read the bible to get a full understanding of what God expects of you. I cant force you and Im not gonna try, you should just come with me and see for yourself, im like Nooooo, LOL, been to plenty of meetings in my life, not interested.
Maybe consider taking him up on the offer as long as he's willing to discuss any questions you may have. Take notes at the meetings. Discuss them with elders and anyone who'll listen in front of your husband. Loudly decry the abusive shunning that he receives at their hands. Perhaps make them shun you as well while they're shunning him.
Ok, I can admit, Im sure I was rolling my eyes, I got irritated, he makes a comment like, you know me, do you think I would get involved something I haven’t researched?? Im like, you couldn’t have researched this religion thoroughly and make an educated decision to join.
Ask him what research he's done. Has he read Ray Franz's books for example? If he claims he has, ask him about a specific issue mentioned in them, see what he has to say about that. Make sure he understands that only listening to one side of the story is not doing thorough resaearch.
I am wrong because I think Im letting this affect the way I feel about him, Am I just being closed minded? Or realisitic that if/when he gets reinstated that it could be the demise of my marriage. Im sorry this is so long .. Im mad about it, LOL
It's not at all closed-minded to bot want a loved one to (re)join a cult. You should be mad about it, the same way he'd be mad if you decided to become a Scientologist. But remember, he's being told that you will try to persecute him because Satan is controlling you so tread carefully or you could push him further in that direction.
Hope some of these ideas help.
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jamiebowers
It has been recommended many times by many people on JWD, but let me do it again. Read Steven Hassan's book, Combatting Mind Control. I've just started reading it, and it gives many helpful tips in dealing with someone who is under the control of a cult. Page 170 even has a section on dealing with people who have been kicked out of a cult. I got my copy for about $8 including shipping from amazon.com . Good luck!
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Blasty
funyderek has some great comments there.
Especially his point that JW's practice the memorial on the same day, so why wouldn't you do holidays on the same day? Plus holidays are to be special, so they need time to plan, the same concept applies to memorial day, if it was at a random point in time always, it wouldn't be near effective. it's just common sense at work, not manipulation.
When holding a debate with anyone, always plan for it in advance, and stick to one subject, do not allow subject changes.
Subject changes are destructive to the debate, and cause people to feel like they are being beaten up on many issues since most likely no conclusions will be drawn.
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Not Feeling It
Time Consumption of Meetings – 3 days a week, so you think that is too much to do to please God?
Better make that two days. But we still have FIVE MEETINGS, gall dernnit! Don't confuse me with the facts.
-- Not Consuming It
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MrsBee
Thanks everyone
I have to say that, I have tried , pretty successfully to avoid any bashing, or even conversation about the JW’s because one time when I was expressing my opinion in regards to them he said, that’s Satan controlling your mind, I was like ur kidding right? And I didn’t want to push him harder and faster back to them.
He experienced some pretty rude treatment, when he got DF’d , he said he asked the elders what he could do to be reinstated, and he said they were like figure it out, at the time he was getting a lot of female attention at the KH and had a lot of problems with the men at this particular KH
I also know that I agreed to go one time with him, and we went to a KH he used to go to and it was another religion in the building, that happened two times, he tried to go to old KH’s and they were closed and belonged to someone else.
Its not just the JW’s ya know, my mother is involved in that Evangelical give me $100 you will get $10,000 type religion, and they disgust me as well, but I don’t have daily interaction with my mom like that. Only if my DH and I talk about football can we have a normal conversation, everything else leads into some bible JW talk, and I think just dealing with him and researching religion as a whole I have become more agnostic than anything.
One of my Best Friends was raised a witness, her mom was a witness and father was not, when her mother allowed the elders to basically attack her for doing what is normal teenage behavior, her father was like, my kids are NOT going back to the KH .
And we have a 2 year old, I will NOT allow my son to be raised in that religion, if he wants to join when he is grown , more power to him, but I don’t want my son raised as a JW and I don’t care if he likes it or not.
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snowbird
And we have a 2 year old, I will NOT allow my son to be raised in that religion, if he wants to join when he is grown , more power to him, but I don’t want my son raised as a JW and I don’t care if he likes it or not.
[/vent]Sylvia