Well some of you know that I gave my son over (custody) to his JW dad after a vicious 7 year long custody battle. It broke my heart but I ran out of ways to keep fighting and it was tearing our family apart. Anyway for the last 1& 1/2 years he's lived with his dad and spent all holidays and summer break w/me. Now he's reaching that 'tween age of sassiness and embarassment (you know, you wake up one morning and you're a huge dork in your kids eyes).
We just got him for summer break and it was so hard, he was bossy, judgemental, and a little 'borg'ish. My husband and I decided to have a sit down with him to clear the air. It didn't go well at first, so my husband said 'why don't the two of you talk alone' . So we went outside, it was dark and we sat on the trampolene. I told him that on the trampolene he could say whatever he wanted and there were no rules, I just wanted to hear the truth from him. I would not be mad or punish him for anything he said. How did he feel about being with us? Was he proud of us? Why was he telling us what to do all the time?
He started crying and told me at his dad's house his dad tells him that he can be interupted because he's just a kid, and that he almost ran away last winter because his dad is forcing him to do things that he can't do. Like swimming-he's an asperger's kid, and not very athletic. But his dad won't accept that and tries to force him to do things that he can't and he said at the last swimming pool he almost threw up. He told me that he wants to get his dad df'd so that he doesn't have to go to meetings anymore because his dad won't let him draw, take toys or sleep.
What I told him was that when his dad's parents and witness friends don't know I'm talking to him, he will sometimes listen to me-like the last swimming field trip at the end of school, his dad didn't make him swim after we had a long talk. I told him I would keep working with his dad, and that both of us (my son and I) together-as a team can try to tell his dad how he (my son) feels about different things. I tried to give him hope that things will not always be this way, and that his dad is mostly acting out of trying to please his witness friends (which is not entirely true, his dad is a huge asshole but of course I'm not telling him THAT). I told him that at our house we will repsect him, but we also want to be treated with respect.
At the end of our talk my son said 'mom when you get old, I'm putting dad in a home where they give him prune juice all the time and I'm keeping you with me'
You know, my goal is not that he dislike his dad. I try to think of nice things to say about his dad every chance I get and I try to explain in a neutral way why his dad might act the way he does. It's soooo hard. And my son clearly resents his father. How can I blame him? I left this man for beating me-and you kneo what he'd beat me over? Not doing what he wanted me to whether it was cleaning the house or regular pioneering. I know what my son is saying is true, I just can't do anything about it-YET. The good news is, after our talk my son stopped the bossy behavior-which my husband and I attributed to his acting the same way he's being treated at his dad's. We're back to having a great time together.
So sorry this is long! I had to get that out! Thanks for listening.