I sent a lengthy email to three of my cousins describing how I feel about being shunned by my mum and brother. This email was prompted by me discovering my cousins are planning to 'shun' my brother - relatively easy since they live in NZ and he is in Scotland, but him and his wife were/are planning a trip down there sometime.
See what you think - I found out tonight the email has been sent round other parts of the family <result> and that two of my aunties are busy Googling Charlie Russell in their spare time :-)....so any lurker JW's - I say to you your 'worldly' relatives might know all your dirty washing by now...
In terms of the family 'issue' I have, I really appreciate that you are all thinking about us and are supportive of what we have done. (((((((((((cousins)))))))))))))
Freedom of thought without retribution is a basic human right as far as I'm concerned and I think that is what you all feel strongly about, and rightly so. It's not really about whether JW's are doctrinally right or wrong - although I have plenty to say on that subject also :-) The question for us with JW's (and other similar high control groups) is how best to deal with the fallout from leaving. There are two big concepts I'd like to bore you with if you'll bear with me....:-)
One of the hallmarks of a cult is black and white thinking. No shades of grey. Good v bad. Us v them. Satan v God. Right v wrong. You get the idea. So for Andrew + Mum anything 'good' that happens is from God and anything 'bad' that happens is the Devil personally persecuting them and thereby proving to them that they are right. So good things prove them right and bad things prove them right - neat trick huh? So us leaving is 'bad' and from the Devil. Because the Devil is persecuting them (ie they do have the normal human emotions of feeling upset at not being able to speak to us, they may in fact have a grieving reaction similar to a death in the family) and persecution by the Devil is a hallmark of Gods favour (!WTF?!) This means to them that they are in fact reinforced in their belief that they are doing the right thing. So my point is that if you decide to shun them this will further re-confirm that they are in the right, and that the Devil is persecuting them because they are doing God's will. Twisted, twisted thinking but there you have it. There is a strategy for dealing with this though.
The second thing to know is that cult members have two personalities (at least two - maybe more if they are also schizo LOL). So you have your Aunty Ann, your mothers sister, born in the Hebrides, Gaelic speaker, good fun, very kind and thoughtful of other people, considerate, took great care over Granny and Grandpa in sickness and in health, wife, mother,aunty etc etc. BUT you also have Sister Morrison - the JW cult member personality. Prepared to totally ignore her son and daughter-in-law for the rest of her natural life. Prepared to commit medical suicide if she needed a 'banned' blood product. Prepared to spend a lifetime of endless hours trying to recruit other people into the same belief system. Same with Andrew, Emma etc. Two personalities each. The challenge for you (and me if I ever get the opportunity) is to engage with the non-cult personality to try and give them the oxygen of normal interaction before they descend back into the murky waters of cult thinking.
One interesting phenomena this dual personality throws up is the psychological concept known as cognitive dissonance. (See you thought I was just a pretty face and now I'm using big words on ya :-) Basically this is the sore head a person gets by trying to hold two opposing beliefs in their mind at the same time. So for example a JW firmly believes that all non-JW's will be destroyed by God at Armageddon - this world-changing event always coming 'soon' of course :-) and they look forward to this event as being the main reason for being alive. However they also have the normal family love and affection feelings hence Andrew + Emma (A&E.... Accident & Emergency? anyways...) wanting to come down and spend time with you all in NZ. Completely normal desire, but in their cult mind they also know that you will all be destroyed by God 'soon'...6 billion innocent men women and children. Anyway, the point is that they can hold both concepts simultaneously, but it does lead to a mental sore head.
They way that they reduce the internal conflict is to hope that you will see the light, become JW's and thus not get destroyed. Also they believe that in the event of your death by natural causes prior to Armageddon you will get a physical resurrection back to earth after Armageddon where you once again will get another chance to become a JW (or, of course, get destroyed by God permanently this time - yes folks... this is all in the Bible - keep up, will ya). This resurrection belief has lead some JW's to wish for an untimely death eg car crash to happen to their ex-JW relatives in the sad belief that a future resurrection is a better outcome than a normal family relationship in this life. Heavy stuff, but true. So far I haven't heard my family expressing such a wish but it wouldn't surprise me if it had crossed their mind.
My point is that if you can find it in your hearts to ignore all the cult wackiness and treat them as victims then I would much appreciate that. I also happen to believe it is the best opportunity to try and hook them out - I don't hold out much hope of that any time soon though. Also remember its Mum and Andrew who are actually being punished here - Sam and I are free to talk to whoever we chose, them included if they would let us. It is they who are being told who they can and can't talk to. Much as they would have you belive it is their choice and it is in the Bible, if the Watchtower said they were now free to talk to us they would pick up the phone in a heartbeat.
The two best weapons you have at your disposal for dealing with this are:
1 - treat the whole thing as irrelevant and unimportant. JW's firmly believe they are Gods chosen people, doing a special work on his behalf to tell the world the end is nigh and that you'd better convert ASAP. Nothing bugs them more than ignoring their specialness. Like I said above, shunning them would be counter-productive - it would 'prove' to them they are special after all.
2 - Humour - cult members have zero -and I mean total, absolute zero - sense of humour when it comes to their belief system. After all they have been chosen by God to live and everybody else is going to die 'soon'. They have THE TRUTH. It is difficult though as its not kind to poke fun at them personally or at their belief system - perhaps I will go into more detail on this in another email....
Well thanks again for all your kind words and thoughts - it means everything to Sam and I - the boys will know about this when they are old enough.
Thanks for reading this far (if you made it)
Love and hugs
PSAB
XXXX