Exciting Watchtower News! Watchtower and I-Drone in a Strategic Relationship
(AP) I-Drone is set to hover over each house dropping leaflets and airing spiritual soft rock ballads (such as the classic “I Don’t Get No Education”, “Satan Blinded Me with Science” or “Not Hungry Like a Wolf because Sheep are our Friends”***). These tunes can appease even the most angry and bitter apostates who claim we lost our path to God. I-Drone can’t stick its foot in the door when householders close it, but makes up for that inadequacy by blasting a loud JW-podcast over their airspace. Imagine your next barbeque being narrated by Anthony Morris, as he makes your guests uncomfortable when they realize their pants are very, very tight.
Nothing can stop I-Drone: Chimneys, doggie doors, open car windows…nothing can stop the truth via tract. And speaking of dogs, WT has made a special provision for tracts to be dipped in bacon grease and dropped into your yard. Your dog can literally “fetch” you everlasting life.
Every Kingdom Hall will receive seven drones after making five easy payments of $1999.99 (plus 38% interest). Imagine your neighbors face after I-Drone sails past the security gates and the No Trespassing signs. Even Smith & Wesson can’t stop the truth now, as the I-Drone features deflector screens at its base.
The Watchtower is taking Jehovah’s message to where no man has gone before. Religious compounds and even crazy isolated cults can get a glance at the truth.
Better yet, local witnesses will get to attend “flight school” to learn to fly these drones from the comfort of their nearest Starbucks. Or they can get a mani/pedi while preaching from their laptop’s controls. These aviators are generally elder’s wives, wealthy JW’s, or those with some sort of prestige already. Ordinary JW’s will have to reach out for such a privilege, but in the meantime, they can still do the dreaded door to door work. You can recognize the aviators from special I-drone lapel pins they wear at meeting.
And next time you are in the store, you can separate your groceries on the conveyor belt with a custom JW-ORG divider bar. Receipts will feature the JW.ORG logo on the back. All to remind you of God’s chosen website.
Some sources are revealing that another strategic venture with Taco Bell is in the works, where a Double Decker burrito will have another crispy layer: WT tracts! All food will also be wrapped in JW publication papers. Don’t ask for Hot, Medium, or Fire sauce: get Brimstone to add to your yummy Gomorrah Gordita! Ay ay ay!!!
***New CD coming soon featuring these tracks as well as “All You Need is Hours”, “When I’m 64 (I’ll be Destitute)”, “We are Spirits in the Material World (and Therefore Bad)”. “Don’t Get Physical”, and more!