When You Lie...Whose Feelings Are You Trying Save?

by new boy 4 Replies latest jw experiences

  • new boy
    new boy

    I never lied so much as when I was a Jehovah's Witness.

    It started at Bethel, when a Bethel Overseer asked me to agree with his opinion, when I knew it wasn't right....."fear of man"...funny term "fear of man." It seems the only time I really had it, is when I was afraid of the "men" in "God's organization."

    You have their "party line." Opinions outside of that are not excepted. Your friends, Your JW wife, Your JW family...They all want you to repeat the "party Line."

    They want you to raise your hand at the Watchtower study...and answer. They want you to shuffle the words around and speak the party line back to them...they want you to repeat their words. The last thing they really want to hear....is your different ideas!

    So you read a book, your not supposed to be reading...Or go to a "R" rated movie, Or you, God forbid, question some new light.

    They take you in the back room and ask you what you "really" believe in. Unless you start dancing your about to lose your wife, kids, friends and family....So my friends the lies begin. You just loss some of your soul.

    To save your friends and family's feelings you sacrifice yours...and why? You say you don't want to put them through the pain and hurt of them knowing how you really feel. So you lie and bury your truth.

    Years, later I found out it was MY feelings I was protecting. I was afraid of their disapproval. I had "fear of man." I lied and hated them for it...The biggest lie there is?....The one to yourself. If your willing to lie to save yourself (or your feelings) you have loss the most important thing there is, your own integrity.

    After leaving I made a vow to myself, not to lie...no matter what the consequences. It has cost me many times. in money and relationships. It has not been easy...somethimes I have failed.

    But if you can't live in your own truth whose truth and you live in?

    Your thoughts please.

  • Mincan

    That's why I could never be a fader, I'm far too sensitive to congitive dissonance. (although I have to admit being a spy is very enticing sometimes, emphasis on sometimes, most times I just couldn't care less because of the fact it is a lie as you say). If I don't believe in something, it's pretty hard to get me to do it.

    I loved using the example with my mother of cutting grass and raking leaves. I find both activities retarded in principle. Cutting grass (that probably isn't a native species anyway) to conform to some post-industrial concept, while wasting precious fossil fuels and energy. Leaves fall on the ground to return nutrients to the soil as they break down, if you rake them, this doesn't happen. They called me lazy, neglecting any other hard work that didn't fit into their preconceptions.

    My mother continually accuses me of having hidden my true feelings about the Watchtower for the past few years. In reality, I was confused, but I never doubted their correctness until the month I did leave. I keep telling her this and she has finally accepted it. I told her when I had nothing to say it was because I didn't know anything either.

  • strawberry cake
    strawberry cake

    Thanks for your post. I can really identify with what you are saying. Indeed I found myself pretending to agree with things said by the WT because we are expected to rave about how wonderful the faithful and discrete slave are. If the brothers get a wiff that I am not too keen,then I'd be viewed as bad association and a murmurer. So I'd agree with everything. That has changed as now I too feel a compulsion to tell the truth and to be true to myself. I feel that I came to the org because I believed them to have the truth and that they 'told it like it is.'Thats what I wanted...integrity and honesty.. So I now feel unable to say that I agree with the GB and understand the new changes...or agree with the excuse that the brothers are not perfect...or that the GB is still God's channel. I should really fade.... I suppose to avoid being df but I would have to lie when challenged. Id have to have fake 'up building 'conversations about ministry and org/congregation news. I d have to sit through that awful book study..Lie to dear friends. I'm still a Christian so really I shouldn't lie.

  • freeme

    i think this is the worst part of finding out about the "truth"... you realize youve to lie to keep the "truth" intact. no decent human being can do this and still be happy.

    its rotten.

  • TheDoctor

    I totally agree. Thats pretty much the exact situation I'm in now.

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