Good morning all.
I am writing this after learning of my father's death yesterday. I am a bit out of sorts to say the least. I was fortunate to have been able to talk and laugh with him only last weekend while he was (we thought) recovering from a coma in a long term care facility. 2 days later he was back in a coma and died by yesterday morning.
I was shaken more than I ever thought I would be. My father and I were never close. I have always been the loner in the family. Until the last few years, I was a firm believer in the resurrection. I have since come to believe in the idea of nothing. I finally fully understand why it is so important for witnesses to have this belief. They actually draw comfort from the idea of seeing dead loved ones again. My current belief system hit me square in the face when I realized that that is it. I will never in any way be able to communicate with him again. That is the price I pay for having my eyes opened and learning the truth about the lie. That has to be part of the reason that so many want to hang on to a flawed belief system. Without hope, they feel that they will lose their anchor.
I do not agree with the lie that is the resurrection hope. I do not agree with believing this because truth hurts so much. I think it is best to feel the pain of loss and deal with the reality of that loss and what it really means. I tried to spend yesterday dealing with this. I broke down whenever I tried to think of him. I am still trying to face this loss, but have to do it in increments. The first increment for me was the telling to those who knew him. That was bad enough. I am away from all family until tonight when I get home to my wife and kids. That's the next increment. I suppose the hardest will be when I see my mom and siblings next weekend for the memorial. The reality of the situation will hopefully finally sink in and I'll be able to move on.
I write this not as a call for sympathy, but as a sort of catharsis for myself. Sometimes just putting into words what I am feeling helps. This time it has. Thank you for reading my ramblings and I sincerely apologize if this is a waste of your time. I do not post too much because I don't often have much to say. Today, it was about me, and I'm ok with that. I hope you will be as well.
CCS