Well today is october 23rd. About three week's ago, I signed up on jwmatch.com, because Angel is sign up there. Only thing is, I did something really stupid...again! I signed up under a different name, just so I could have some communication with her.
About a week later, I told her that it was actually me. For those of you who DON'T know my real name, it's Doug. Her email reply RANG with hurt.
She said "why Doug?....why?"
Desperation I guess...and stupidity. I cried so hard, but I just couldn't seem to cry hard enough, you know what I mean? I was sitting in my car doing this late at night, in the dark.
I couldn't cry hard enough, so I beat my hand on the stering wheel, the seats, the dash....I had to vent the pain that was in my heart, but even after all of that...it was still there, still as previlant as before. I had hurt Angel.
I had lyed to her, and I had hurt her. It brings tears to my eyes even as I type this.
I was soooo STUPID!!!! Anyway, she thought about it over night, and got all worked up over it, and the next day called me at work. She wasn't mad...she was ANGRY! She said she does not want me in her life.
About a month ago, she called me, we talked and laughed for 2 1/2 hours. My boss told me next time she & I talk on the phone,
"next time I WILL FIRE YOU". I told that to Angel. Told her it was worth it. This time was "next time". She overheard my boss... she LAUGHED, and hung up. I was crushed. I don't hold anything against her...she was just mad, that's all...she still is. But, I love her.
The other day, I was VERY suprised to recieve a letter from Angel's MOTHER! They both think I need "therapy", which I know they're right....and I will be getting it. But Angel didn't know that her mom was writing me. She got my address from one of Angel's daughter's.
Anyway, her mom & I were getting along ok, but suddenly, I don't know how, Angel found out about her mother writing to me, and told her to stop. She has.
Angel says that she doesn't want to even be friends, because I love her, and that she would always be concious of it...does that make any sense???? She told me that she "Cannot accept UNconditional love", like it was something evil!!! My God that hurt!!!!
Today, I had the day off from work. Folk's, I don't mean to sound like a nut or anything, but this has been one of the worst and loneliest days of my life. I bought this computer the other day specifcally to talk to Angel, and now, I have no real use for the thing.
If it wern't for going to hell, I'd kill myself.
I miss Angel. I am so worthless without her.