This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
MARY: Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us.
ME: Pardon me? What are you talking about? Who is Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?
JOHN: If you kiss Hank's ass, he will give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he will kick the shit out of you.
ME: What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?
JOHN: Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever he wants and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass.
ME: That doesn't make any sense. Why...
MARY: Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?
ME: Well maybe, if it is legit, but...
JOHN: Then come kiss Hank's ass with us.
ME: Do you kiss Hank's ass often?
MARY: Oh yes, all the time...
ME: And has he given you a million dollars?
JOHN: Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town.
ME: So why don't you just leave town now?
MARY: You can't leave until Hank tells you to or you don't get the money; and he kicks the shit out of you.
ME: Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?
JOHN: My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year and I'm sure she got the money.
ME: Haven't you talked to her since then?
JOHN: Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it.
ME: So what makes you think he will actually give you the money if you have never talked to anyone who got the money?
MARY: Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you will get a raise; maybe you will win a small lotto; maybe you will just find a twenty dollar bill on the street.
ME: What does that got to do with Hank?
JOHN: Hank has certain...connections.
ME: I'm sorry but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game.
JOHN: But it IS a million dollars. Can you really take the chance? And remember, if you DON'T kiss Hank's ass he will kick the shit out of you.
ME: Maybe if I could see Hank; talk to him; get the details straight from him...
MARY: No one sees Hank. No one talks to Hank.
ME: Then how do you kiss his ass?
JOHN: Sometimes we just blow him a kiss and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on.
ME: Who is Karl?
MARY: A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times.
ME: And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?
JOHN: Oh no! Karl has got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here ia a copy; see for yourself.
John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on - From the desk of Karl - letterhead. There were eleven items listed:
1.) Kiss Hank's ass and he will give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2.) Use alcohol in moderation.
3.) Kick the shit out of people who are not like you.
4.) Eat right.
5.) Hank dictated this list himself.
6.) The moon is made of green cheese.
7.) Everything Hank says is right.
8.) Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9.) Do not drink.
10.) Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11.) Kiss Hank's ass or he will kick the shit out of you.
ME: This would appear to be written on Karl's Letterhead.
MARY: Hank did not have any paper.
ME: I have a hunch that if we checked we would find this is Karl's handwriting.
JOHN: Of course, Hank dictated it.
ME: I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?
MARY: Not now; but years ago he would talk to some people.
ME: I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they are different?
MARY: It's what Hank wants; and Hank is always right.
ME: How do you figure that?
MARY: Item 7 says - Everything Hanks says is right.- That's good enough for me!
ME: Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up.
JOHN: No way! Item 5 says, "Hank dictated this list himself." Besides, item 2 says, "Use alcohol in moderation." Item 4 says, "Eat right." And item 8 says, "Wash your hands after going to the bathroom." Everyone knows *those* things are right; so the rest must be true, too.
ME: But 9 says, "Do not Drink," which does not quite go with item 2. And 6 says, "The moon is made of green cheese," which is just plain wrong.
JOHN: There is no contradiction between 9 and 2. 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you have never been to the moon; so you cannot say for sure.
ME: Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock...
MARY: But they do not know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese.
Me: I am not really an expert but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing *where* the rock came from doesn't mean it *could* be green cheese rather than rock.
JOHN: Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!
ME: We do?
MARY: Of course we do, Item 5 says so.
ME: So, you're saying that Hank is always right because the list says so; the list is right because Hank dictated it; and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so.
JOHN: Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking.
ME: But...Oh, never mind. What's the deal with the wieners?
Mary blushes.
JOHN: Wieners: in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong.
ME: What if I don't have a bun?
JOHN: No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong.
ME: No relish? No Mustard?
Mary looks positively stricken.
JOHN (shouting): There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!
ME: So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?
MARY (sticking her fingers in her ears): I am not listening to this! La la la, la la, la la la.....
JOHN: That is disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that...
ME: But it is good! I eat it all the time.
Mary faints. John catches her
JOHN: Well, if I had known you were one of THOSE, I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I want to be there.
John drags Mary to their waiting car and speeds off.
I go inside pondering about how some people would believe anything...
Joseph F. Alward
"Skeptical Views of Christianity and the Bible"
http://members.aol.com/jalw/joseph_alward.html