After everything I had ever believed unassailable proved to be as a wisp of smoke in the breeze, I was forced to asnswe that question.
Since I no longer stand for the WTS, what DO I stand for.
My lifetime of misery would be a complete waste if there isn't some positive way to frame it.
I figure, we come into this world kicking, screaming, naked, wet, and cold. We have nothing, not even a name.
Our name is the first thing we get, and it has no meaning until we provide the context with our lives.
When we die, our name and what it has come to mean is all we can take out of this world with us; he who dies with the most toys STILL DIES and gets no further benefit from his worldy goods.
So, what do we stand for, what shall our name mean.
I have not had the most optimal life, I suppose, periods of submersion in the WTS fantasy world interspersed with episodes of incredible violence and deprivation. I have both been the victim of harm, and regretably inflicted my fair share of harm as well.
I have made choices so stupid that it was all I could do to set things right and live them down.
I have had a corrupted view of reality while under the spell of the WTS that affected me equally whether I was in or out, either way I was damned.
I never expected to live, The big A was just around the corner and there were all these pesky bullets whizzing past my head and a knife in me; but here I was in my thirties with a second chance.
A relatively clean break.
Of course, I was now confined to a wheelchair and poor with bad credit, but I was at rock bottom so the only way to go was up.
It COULD have been worse, I never picked up a criminal record, even though I rightfully deserved one.
What to stand for.... One HAS to stand for something. No dub nonesense.
I still belive in God, and feel I was finally able to connect with Him, so how about boiling it down to "do the right thing?"
The only reason you need to do the right thing is that it is, in fact, the right thing. It is NEVER too late to do the right thing.
Another one, 'stay in the right.' It's an offshoot of 'do the right thing' but pertains to wrongs done against you. There is no better way to put those who wrong you into the right than to be more wrong than them!
You slap me, that's wrong. I shoot you in response, who's wrong now?
After all the harm I inflicted in my years of WTS delusion and lashing out with mindless violence against those who tormented me, I figured I could not go wrong with 'live to serve.'
Although my family scoffs, if I can be of service to anyone, I usually consider it my Christian duty do my very best to help them if it within my power to do so..
There's another! 'always do your best.' I like this one because you never know when its going to matter.
Beyond that, I keep running through the Fruits of the spirit in my mind, feeling that they can go both ways. Yes they are the evidence of God's spirit within you, but actively trying to adopt them can create a welcoming atmosphere for the Holy Spirit and increase your compatibility with it.
I worked on humility, Jesus died as much for someone I dislike as he did for me. The bible counsels, 'as far as it depends upon you, be at peace with all men' and 'endeavor to live quietly and mind your own business'
I cut off the vast majority of my former associates, and attempted to rebuild along the principles I had decided upon and it amazes me that it worked!
I still have my problems, but I noticed that my friends and family come to me for advice now, it was never like that back when I thought I knew it all!
My life has improved in every way by standing for those things, and most importantly, I see my daughter putting them to use in her own life to great effect.
If being honest about how bad I was, and what I did to turn it around with God's help can be of any assistance to her in avoiding my mistakes, then it wasn't all for nothing. If sharing selected bits from the suffering I endured helps her to have situational awareness and avoid pitfalls, then I share those, but I never burden her with the full horror of it.
I see her taking her first steps into her future life, education, job experience, credit history, and I am so proud of her! There is not a single aspect of her success that does not have some underpinning in the warning served by my past failures.
After throwing away the majority of my life, seeing her do well is the LEAST I can do. Maybe it IS vicarious vindication, but I think I could have done as well if I had been properly protected and supervised as a child, if anybody had ever even tried to 'get me' and tell me truthful things about the world around me and how it works, if things had been different.
Wow, I don't know what's come over me this weekend, maybe it's got to do with what my poor niece is suffering and the memories it brings back, but I seem to be dwelling on a lot of heavy stuff.
But as the pain, the hurt and the memories come rushing back and the panic nips at the edges, I just pray for peace and retreat back to the core principles that I have chosen to stand for.
Becuase if you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.
Roller