Some WTBTS fund raising we will be seeing soon on late night television:
"For all of you bird fanciers out there in TV land, we have a special offer for you! Straight from our factory in Brooklyn, USA, we are offering the finest in bird cage lining material. Our colorful but unused copies of the _Watchtower_ and Awake_ magazines have been made with special absorbent fiber paper and they are guaranteed to help you keep you pet canary, parrakeet, or finch happy in a clean cage. These liners are stapled for easy storage, unfolding, and refolding for disposal. And, if you call our toll free number in the next fifteen minutes, we give you absolutely free, yes that's FREE, a high quality metal bird cage with a bottom exactly sized for our liners. These cages have been hand crafted by our most dedicated employees (you wouldn't believe what we pay them) and are made from the finest scrap metal recycled from our excess printing and binding machinery."
"For you drinking gentlemen out there watching right now, we have a wonderful deal for you! Are you tired of having your wife nagging you about furniture stains left by glasses and beer cans? Are you embarrassed by having all those stain rings on your coffee table or the bar in your basement? Well, worry no longer, as if you act promptly, you can get an expertly crafted set of coasters for all of your drinking containers. These special coasters are large enough (13 cm) for your biggest drinking mug but they won't bust your budget. Each coaster has one side colored an attractive metallic silver and are made from sturdy plastic. A small hole in the center of each has been thoughtfully placed there for your convenience for stacking them on your finger. Don't delay; call now! These coasters once sold for a suggested price ranging from US$50 to US$100 each, but you can have a dozen for only US$1.99 plus shipping and handling. Special bonus: if you are one of the first one hundred callers, we will include a free guide for organizing miniature frisbee tournaments. And we know plenty about organization, yes sir!"
"Attention homemakers! Have you ever had the problem of unexpectedly running out of toilet paper at the most inconvenient time? Haven't you at least once been unpleasantly surprised by there being less paper left on a roll than you need? We have just the solution for you! For only a small price, you can avoid these nasty surprises, and all you have to do is order our exclusive NUMBERED toilet paper sheets in our colorfully bound packets. Each sheet in each packet is individually numbered, and by using the sheets starting with the highest numbered ones, you always tell exactly how many sheets are left over. Plus, each packet cover has been thoughtfully decorated with absolutely no mention of what the sheets are for, so you can discreetly carry a packet with you when you are travelling. Why, there is even printing on each sheet as a disguise so that only YOU will know about our little secret! And furthermore, we promise that the special quality paper used in the packets is most efficient in its application as it has an almost magical attraction for crap! Believe us, we're more experienced than you will believe. And that's the TRUTH!"
"Stay tuned! We have more offers for our faithful and discreet audience! Coming up: our new environmentally sensitive, recycled paper products for feminine hygiene and disposable diapers! Call 1-800-WE-SCREWED-U and have your credit card ready!"