Lisa pretty much nailed it.
I'm desperately in love with something that doesn't exist.
I keep thinking people are going to fit into my little dream world of love. Ha ha. Even I don't fit into my little dream world. I couldn't possibly live up to the imaginary standards I set for myself. And gee whiz, looking at what happens to me when I try to and inevitably crack under the pressure.
I know I used to truly believe that if you subjugated your life and your feelings and behaved and showed an outer appearance that matched everyone else's that everything would just end up being nice.
I loved Bethel. I arrived there all bright eyed and full of hope. I fully intended to live there the rest of my life. I turned my head away from the bureaucracy I encountered there and concentrated on the good people I was working with. They were good people. But even those good people did some mighty wacky things in the name of the bureaucracy. Like the overseer who personally inspected all magic markers to be sure they were completely worn down to the nub before you could get a new one from his locked supply. I mean seriously, the felt would be below the metal edges and he still would make you use it. One of my jobs was proofreading subscription stencils and you used a magic marker to mark mistakes.
In the end, I guess these illusions are no better than drugs. When someone tries to get you off of them, you resist it.
Joel