I don't know what it was, but people always seemed to come to me for advice. I was the person who always knew the scriptures and took the time to look up the Watchtower or Awake article that was most fitting. Over the years, my word become one that people counted on and listened too and I did my best to make sure that I always knew the new understanding of the Governing Body, to make sure I was right in line with thinking that would be considered accepted. Although I had never been appointed to an Elder, I figured in time it would come if I kept up the good information. So when my friend Brother Linn came to my house one Saturday morning with a concern, I was not exactly caught off guard. I could tell from the look on his face that something had him very upset and I invited him in immediately to talk.
We set down on the couch and I asked him what was on his mind, and he explained, "I have something I need to talk to someone about, as it has been bothering my conscience and I do not know what to do." He cleared his throat for a moment, obviously preparing himself for a long thought to follow, "You know Brother Little, and how he has not been at meetings much lately, well I know why. You see I was over at his house the other day and he was in his study and his wife was with the kids in the living room. I knew he was depressed since his father's death, but I thought with several months passing he would be getting better. That was not the case though, when I entered his study, I could smell alcohol and when Brother Little saw me, he could hardly stand or talk. He started crying to me and telling me all these emotional issues. His wife came in and he yelled at her and told her to get out. I set there amazed as he explained to me that all he did was drink now, and he cared nothing about anyone anymore. I spoke with him for a length of time, and then left him and as I passed by his wife and family I could tell that they were all in disarray and depressed. I felt I needed to talk to someone to decide what to do, I want to see him get help, but do you think I should take this to the elders or should I encourage him to seek professional help. He is just so angry right now, I am afraid for his future?" Brother Linn then looked at me with the face of someone who wanted advice. I had known these bothers since I was a teenager and knew how close Brother Little was too his dad, he fished with him at least a couple times a week, he was his best man at his wedding and when he died of cancer last year it really took a toll. I also knew that with all the advice out their in the Watchtower, the elders should be the ones to know best about this and this matter should stay out of the professional outside worlds hands, at least until the elders could do something for him. So I looked at my concerned friend, and offered my advice on what I thought he should do and to go to the elders and explain to them what he saw and I knew they would do what was best.
Weeks went by, and I did like any good brother would do and tried to keep myself out of the business of the elders and did not even ask what was happening. That is why I was so shocked one night, to see an elder come to the stage and make an announcement of, " ... Brother Little has been disfellowshiped ..." My immediate reaction was, "How did that help this man?" At the same time, I convinced myself that he must have really turned from Jehovah and this had to be done. Perhaps there was more to the story, then what Brother Linn told me and I was best to just keep out of the drama and not make it more then it was. As the weeks went on though, Brother Little's life went from bad to worse, soon I heard his wife left him and the Witness man he worked for let him go and he had no job. All that, in the same year he lost his father and his faith, I admit, I was concerned and especially wanted to speak to him and find out if he was okay.
A month went by, and I got so busy in life and kind of lost track of all the drama surrounding my old friend. I figured it was up to him now, to make his way back to Jehovah and what was happening was Jehovah's way of setting his life straight. I was sure he would be back soon, seeking reinstatement, so I kept looking to those back rows to see his face sneak in as the song started. One Sunday meeting, we were all listening to the Presiding Overseer give the public talk when I heard a loud voice in the back of the hall yell, "Your all a bunch of phonies!' I turned and saw a unshaven man in clothing that looked unwashed and worn out, it was Brother Little. He yelled it again, "Your all a bunch of phonies!" and the attendance rushed to get him to leave. It sounded like someone popped a balloon at first, and then reality set in as the room went in to turmoil. That was not a balloon, it was a gun shoot and I saw the Presiding Overseer on stage grab his chest and saw blood in his hand and he dropped to the ground. I hit the ground and heard two more shots and people all rushing to get out of the room. I looked around and saw two close friends lying on the ground motionless. My stomach was as tight as you could imagine, and I felt fear like you could never describe. Shots were coming all around and a sister I new for years was hit in front of me, and I tripped over her trying to go for the exit door. I lay there all the ground, petrified of not knowing were he was and wondering if I should move or stay down. The sister I tripped on was crying in pain and asking for help, I could not see Brother Little so I crawled to her and tried to help, but she was hit bad and I did not know what to do. I then heard someone behind me and heard his voice, "Turn around," and I rolled over and looked into my old friends eyes, they looked empty and gone. I spoke, "Don't do this, I was your friend." He laughed, "What kind of a friend turns his friend in to elders, when he was in need of help." My heart raced, and then I heard a POP and then blackness.
I was sitting across from Brother Linn again, and he was saying something but it seemed like his mouth was moving and yet no words were coming out. I shock my head, like I needed to clear my ears or something and then like a television tuning in, I could suddenly hear Brother Linn again, and heard him repeat, "So what do you think I should do, .. do you think I should take this to the elders or should I encourage him to seek professional help." I set there feeling like I had heard this before and yet I did not know what was happening in my mind at that moment and flashes of those thoughts of my own death were wailing up from inside. I calmed myself for a moment, and compiled my thoughts and said to my friend Brother Linn, "Lets get him some professional help and keep the elders out of this, ok?" He seemed puzzled like that was not the answer he expected to hear and yet he agreed and to make arrangements for our friend. He left and all kinds of thoughts were coming up inside of me, wondering why turning my friend to what should be Jehovah's servants, would end so bad as the future that seemed so real to me, only moments earlier.
I set in my chair for a moment, still feeling a spinning sensation as if I had changed the world or at least my own life. I felt dizzy and placed my face in to my hands and closed my eyes and just listened to the silence of the room. Then a voice spoke up, "So, at what point then did you decide to kill the people in your congregation?" I lifted my head quickly and said out loud, "what?" Sitting across from me was an elder I knew from another congregation. Then suddenly I realized I was no longer in my home, I was sitting on a bed in what I quickly realized was a prison cell and my clothing was that which you would expect a inmate to wear. I shock my head, and thought this must me some dream. The elder spoke up, "Look, I did not want to come here and speak to you today, you killed many of my friends that night three years ago and even though I am suppose to forgive you, it is hard to see you right now. You demanded a Jehovah's Witness elder as your religious confessor today though, so lets hear it, confess." I set there silent, and did not speak, confusion was all that went through my mind, I stopped this from happening, and I was not the one who did it. The elder stood up, and said, "Well, I hope your make your heart right with Jehovah then, I am not staying here to see you die, as much I have wished you did many times." He then called the guard to the cell door and the guard let him out. All I could feel was cold sweat and fear throughout my body. I then yelled out to the elder as he walked away, "Wait, wait" and he turned to me, "What ever happened to Brother Little?" He sighed for a moment, and the spoke, "I am not real sure, after he worked with the psychologist to come to terms with his problems, him and his family left the truth and last I heard they opened up a successful business and his wife was expecting a new child." He smiled, "Maybe disfellowshipping you for recommending people not speak to elders, and instead to seek out professional help, did keep one family alive that night, but who would have ever thought it would have lead to what you did." He then left and walked away. As much as I tried, I could only remember telling Brother Linn to seek professional help for Brother Little, and then sitting in a chair and racked my brain to try and remember anything else. A few minutes later, two guards came to the cell door and stood me up, as I walked down the hallway to the dark door at the end, all I could hear was another prisoner yelling, "Dead man walking" and I knew that despite all this confusion of wondering how I got to this point, I was not confused on who was the best person to seek for help, and I offered no silent or spoken prayer before my end.