Cold shoulder

Billzfan23

This really blows chunks... The wife is giving me the complete cold shoulder because I have not been regular at meetings and because I have not been having the family study. I am coaching my son's basketball team, and in the wife's eyes I have done a 180 degree turn to being completely "worldly". She doesn't talk to me, and is completely distant. What was a rock solid marriage (2 1/2 months ago, when I was still an elder) has completely fallen apart and I can see a very bitter and ungly end on the horizon if this keeps up... Any suggestions for someone in my situation?

Perry

Hi there Billzfan,

Is it possible that your wife only married you because she thought you were elder material? And now that you are not, her "love" for you has faded?

I mean, isn't this what you did as an elder? ...Accept people based their performance and then once they don't measure up, remove your love from them; and worse separate them from their families. There's a lot of people who don't live this way. What you tried to legislate, God gives freely to those that accept his pardon for their crimes.

Stick around. The answers will come to you.

Warlock

Billzfan,

I re-read your situation in your first post. You are in a very difficult situation.

The way I deal with my wife is I try to not be hostile to the religion. Of course, that means holding my tongue, which can be difficult for me. Since we are both inactive, it is a bit easier, but since she's started going again, it could get difficult.

If you want to keep everything together, you will have to walk a tightrope. Personally, I think it's worth it, especially with the kids being young. My kid is already in her 20's and she does what she wants. No, she doesn't go to the meetings.

I feel for you, brother. Just keep your head.

You can p.m. me anytime, if you need to. I'm always around here.

Warlock

VanillaMocha73

Well, just because he was an elder does not make him immediately guilty of "crimes", Perry. I did know a few elders who were actually sincere. But my memory of JWtime is that we were taught to do this to people in order to shame them back - even if we loved them. In fact, those were my mother's words to me. We both thought about those words and did a double take. Does that sound like God to you - shame people to good behavior? However, until we verbalized this it made perfect sense. So, it might just be the way she was brainwashed into thinking. Pray a lot.....

bernadette

Hang in there billzfan -

subtlely draw her attention to how much happier your son is and other positive things. Hopefully her attitiude will change with time.

Outaservice

If you become 'unevenly yoked' and not plowing the field together it becomes especially difficult. But, you should treat her 'as an unbeliever' and try your best to keep peace and be kind to her. She should in time recognize a 'good man'.

Outaservice ( Give it some time and prayer)

Vinny

The only hope you have is in getting her to open her mind/eyes to learning about the real facts about the JW faith in some fashion. My wife, initially, wanted me to stop sending critical articles altogether. I did at first. Then I sent her (e-mail) an unbiased news article critical on the JW blood issue. Next thing you know, she sends ME a "leaving the WT" story. Say what?? After that it took about three months before she stopped all meetings. She learned EVERYTHING... we both did. I DA'd, she faded. Has been almost one year now.

You simply must get her to consider critical information. A little at a time then. Ask her if it is the truth, to defend some of these issues then. Share experiences. Are all of these people wrong?

Here are several good ones:

An ex-Bethelite:

http://p196.ezboard.com/I-Colored-Outside-the-LinesMy-Story/fexjehovahswitnessforumfrm14.showMessage?topicID=298.topic

Gilead Grad:

http://p196.ezboard.com/What-should-I-title-my-life-story-my-life-story-reposted/fexjehovahswitnessforumfrm14.showMessage?topicID=326.topic

My own reasons for leaving. Issues without answers:

http://p196.ezboard.com/Letter-of-disassociation/fexjehovahswitnessforumfrm14.showMessage?topicID=237.topic

Here is an excellent thread with bible studies, JW's, Ex-JW's and many of the issues all in one place:

http://www.beliefnet.com/boards/message_list.asp?boardID=28082&discussionID=547437

Whatever you do, it will end up disasterous for you if you cannot get her to open up her mind, at least to some degree. The only good news is that she cannot leave you unless you abuse her in some fashion. Even the elders will tell her that, as you well know.

Perry

VanillaMocha wrote:

Well, just because he was an elder does not make him immediately guilty of "crimes", Perry.

Sure it does for the reasons I stated. It's not going to do the man any good for him to imagine that the problems he is now experiencing in his marriage is somehow his wife's fault. Isn't she simply following the leadership and example that her elder husband set? Now, that he's a "weak" person and a "worldly" person she's simply treating him they way that he helped train her to do.

Acknowlegement of his moral criminality is an essential and critical first step for him to begin to model a different form of leadership in the marriage.

willyloman

Best advice I can give: If you want your wife to be there when you get there, take her with you.

Billzfan23

Sure it does for the reasons I stated. It's not going to do the man any good for him to imagine that the problems he is now experiencing in his marriage is somehow his wife's fault. Isn't she simply following the leadership and example that her elder husband set? Now, that he's a "weak" person and a "worldly" person she's simply treating him they way that he helped train her to do.
Acknowlegement of his moral criminality is an essential and critical first step for him to begin to model a different form of leadership in the marriage.

I agree with this post completely. She is only doing exactly what I would have done a couple of years ago if the roles were reversed - back when I was "all in" Now that I am a fader, it is absolute hell. The kids see that I am less rigid, less restrictive, and more positive about letting them pretty much do all of the forbidden things that they couldn't do before, and they love and favor me for it. This makes her furious, as she thinks she is the bad guy. It's amazing, but my fading only strengthens her faith that "this is the end" and "Satan is controlling my mind" etc... I think I am gonna puke.

Cold shoulder

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