Children + Xmas = Confusion!

by ohdeborah 7 Replies latest social family

  • ohdeborah

    Hi everyone, I must say this is a VERY interesting site My problem at the moment is this- I live with a fantastic guy (ex JW) he has 2 boys, 9&11, & I have a son - 9, we all live toghether as a 'blended' family . Unfortunately his ex-wife is a very difficult person to deal with. She has recently had her contact with her son's reduced to 6 hours a week. This woman has never celebrated birthdays or a xmas with the boys, which we have done for the past 5 years, since my partner discovered the truth about JW's. This woman says to her children she IS a witness- but she DOESN'T go to the meetings, although she DOES read her bible in front of the children. In fact she celebrates Xmas by attending seasonal parties & going to a friends house on Xmas day for a 'meal' ...She celebrates her own Birthday & her friends B'day's. She SMOKES cigarettes & cannibas, she drinks excessive amounts of alcohol & has casual sex. She scares the boys by saying - God won't like it if you celebate Xmas! How can this woman profess to be a JW? Acting in this way is damaging towards her kids??? She has been involved with the JW's for 20 years on & off & has NEVER been baptised. How can I stop her using such harmful beliefs/LIES. It's totally WRONG! thanks DEBORAH

  • Junction-Guy

    Deborah, she appears to be the type of JW who believes it to be the truth, but do to her vices she doesnt want to get baptized because she know she would get disfellowshipped. Everything you mentioned she does, she would be disfellowshipped for and shunned. She is a fence sitter. The next time she says something derogatory to you about Christmas or Birthdays, you should tell her that she is a hypocrite, and that she should give up her sins instead of denying the children some innocent pleasure.----Dave

  • Clam

    Deborah welcome to the forum. Can't your partner who is an ex JW talk to her and warn her not to feed the kids JW bullshit? You say she has had contact reduced to 6 hours per week. Why was this? This must have been done for a good reason.

    Maybe she needs telling that the small amount of time she spends with her children should be about building a normal loving healthy relationship with them with a view to earning their respect, rather than scaring them and filling their minds with cult propoganda. This woman doesn't sound well.


    By the way - she's a Jehovah's Bystander and not a Jehovah's Witness, ie she associates but doesn't commit.

  • ohdeborah

    Thanks you guys... She has had her contact reduced since she took my partner to court for a 'defined contact order' she was seeing the boys every other weekend & every wed, he has been the one over the years to establish contact with their mother, left to her she'd have run amok. The court have recognized something a miss with this woman & reduced contact in the interim of the case. When my partner brought up the issue of Xmas/B'day non-celebrations, she didn't mention one word about her (so called) faith, NOTHING! She just does this to her boys, I find it very disturbing, what will the outcome be when these boys turn into men? She is a pathalogical liar, abusive, aggressive (we have had to involve the police a number of times because of her violence), she has never contributed one penny, provided zero - now what does Jehovah make of that? Can I stop her talking this nonsense ? she's out all the time on drugs at partie's & telling her kids that Jehovah won't be pleased with them! ARGH! soooo frustrated.

  • Mystla

    Welcome Deborah!

    I think that you are doing the only thing you can do in setting a good example for these boys. Show them what sanity looks like so they know that's not what they are seeing in their mother

    Just being there for them and having a good time with christmas etc. and not being struck dead by god for doing so, should show these boys whose right and whose loony.


  • Shawn10538

    Why not plan an intervention for her? If she's smokin pot, that's an avenue that can help her see some spiritual truths that those who don't smoke don't have access to. (Only those who partake know what I'm talking about.) But, it can also feed on childhood metaphors to create strange distorted beliefs if not done with proper intent and guidance from those experienced in spiritual exploration. Perhaps an intervention will help her articulate the doubts she already has. Shawn

  • J-ex-W

    What you just described about this woman IS the definition of DYSFUNCTIONAL: The wideness of the gap between the person's stated value system and the person's behavior patterns signals the degree of dysfunction. This has nothing to with being--or not being--a JW, per se. JW just happens to be the backdrop against which her dysfunctional theatre is performed. Often times, dysfunctional people may truly see the JW way (or the Catholic way or the Muslim way, etc.) as being the 'best' way, but they feel inwardly that it's too late for themselves--they can't be 'saved' or helped in away. [A certain amount of self-loathing there, believing themselves to be beyond repair or unworthy of the effort.] But they believe they still can and should do something to save their children from becoming like themselves. ...So, they attempt the pathetic do-as-I-say-and-not-as-I-do style of parenting.

    Either that, or she could be just not wanting the kids to thoroughly enjoy time and attention at your house, viewing it as a competition. Unfortunately, some people do that kind of thing too. Still others do it because they recognize the exploitation capital to be gained in having a 'good little Witness' be brought under their control. My ex-husband used to do this all the time with ME: Not apply the principles to himself but expect the all the RULES to be appled to me. And for a long time, it worked.

    In any case, just continue training your kids to believe in their OWN WORTH, regardless of what religious affiliation (or even none). They'll manage to avoid the worst of the pitfalls their mother seems to set up for them. Good luck dealing with it all!

  • jgnat

    What Mystla said:

    I think that you are doing the only thing you can do in setting a good example for these boys. Show them what sanity looks like so they know that's not what they are seeing in their mother

    Hypocrites are not unusual amongst the Witnesses. Pointing it out to her, I fear, will not make her stop. As the "other woman", there is very little you should do to confront this woman. Much more powerful is to provide a sane counterpoint in your home. Children do figure out this stuff for themselves and in the long run. I think those boys will be singing your praises when they get older.

    You can reduce the boy's anxiety by providing a fairly neutral tone to the Christmas. Put away the overt "pagan" symbols. I decorate with snowmen and snowflakes, avoiding Rudolf and Santa. Maybe even avoid the word "Christmas". Use words like "our special day" etc. until the boys are older and their anxiety is reduced.

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