How do you let them go?

by Sparkplug 3 Replies latest jw friends

  • Sparkplug

    As a parent I realize that a teen boy or girl can butt heads with one parent or the other or both. So when your a single parent, you may have to let the child live with the other parent for the betterment of the child. Now I know the other parent has never been an option here, but I think I need to let my child go. I am concidering and so is my brother letting him go live with him. I think for the peace of the other two children and myself, I may need to let him go.

    It is not fair to anyone in the household and it is not any good to my son to continue as he is. He is 16 and as he is his mothers son, he will be stubborn to his own detrement. I see him wanting love, an yet shit spews from his mouth. It is as it is a weakness to accept any help from anyone on anything. It breaks my heart.

    Unfortunately I can see in my other two children love their brother, but it has made it so hard for them and nobody ever really gets a good side of me. I could stick to my guns and keep playing hardball, but the fact is that he is the kind of kid , that he will not care. He can have it all, or nothing at emotion. If he is not going to do something, he IS NOT going to do something. Somehow my brother (who can be a real horses ass) to him has earned my sons respect. I don't like it for my brother has a way of thinking so opposite of me and yet so does my son. He will get a good response from my son, or at least show him that it can be so much worse than mom ever gave him.

    Has anyone here gone through this?

    *Edited to use better descriptive words.*

  • morty

    OMG Sparkplug, do I hear ya sista!

    It is the pit of all evil when they are teens. It just seems to me as soon as they turn to the "teen age" they know it all! I call it the "I know disease" My mother and father always warned me of these days a few years back ( when I was a teen and being a but, I never thought of it ever happening to me and biting me in the ass years later!

    This has to be a tough decision for you but, may I suggest, you are half way over the mountain now so, can you just hang on for a bit more?

    I have 2 teen boys myself, aged 18( going on 28) and almost 15( Going on 25). About 3 years ago, I thought I was going either going to kill myself or the boy. Yes, it was that bad. After seeking some assistance it was brought to my attention that their brains are not fully developed yet. They are fighting things such as hormones for a starter but when you throw in some peer pressure and what ever else that is running through their brains at the time, this magnifies any situation times 10. Do you have a close relationship with him? Does he talk about how he really feels?( I will assume that he does not from the troubles you are having.)

    I have to admit, that was part of my problem. I never "listened" to what he was saying or feeling. It really sucks when you?re a parent and you being told you somewhat screwed up and you have to eat crow. Not, saying this is your case, but it was mine. When I stopped all my finger pointing, and really put a extra effort into paying attention to what he really needed or felt, it was a like a 350 degree circle was made by him all by himself almost over night. He still tries to test me, but I do have a better ear on now and do pay attention even if it is about the goal he did not make and how he could have changed the left foot for the right foot to make the goal. Or about the latest hard core band that is out right now on the charts and what the words are to their top song right now. Really, just simple stuff that I found very boring but, were important to him.

    I will not go on and on about what worked for me, but, before you feel you need to send him some where else, please try and cover all your bases. Go to his high school and request a guidance councillor and explain the situation. The school is where I got my first direction about getting the help that we needed.. I went to teen direction and yes, there was a lot of work but, in the long run, it was so worth it. I was at my last rope with my son, and was getting to the point of shipping him off or mama was moving out.

    Had I known that just simple "listening" would have made him clean his room, do his homework, and do his chores, I would have invested into some new ears years ago!! After going through this now with my oldest, I have all the tools( most of them, but I am sure I will need a different set for this I need for the second one. Bought myself a brand new pair of ears for him, and I am on the up and up with all the music as well...also, I have learned to trust them more. More so, with the girl thing. I always gave him a hard time when it came to dating and having a big list of no-no?s. Even though, he never screwed up the list, I would go, on and on about it. Bottom line, I would basically give him shit for nothing he had done yet.

    "Why go to court when, you don?t have a charge?" was the best way he explained it to me.

    So, there ya go, that is my free advice for the day..I really hope it works out for you and I know your heart will have the right answer for you. Sometimes, just time makes a world of difference as well. Good luck my friend!

    LOve Morty

  • Sheri


    Check this site out this woman has written a book on the Female Brain and also doing work with teens on their emotional balance due to hormones and developing brains. There is a video on one of her seminars and it starts out how your teenage daughter will want to be playing tea party with you one day and the next you are a bitch. My sister is going through this with her daughter right now. The seminar also has part about teenage boys as well. I think you will learn from this, I have ordered the book as well.

    I agree that I think you should consider that you will get through this horrible phase in raising a teenager. Yes some are easier than others but it is worth it if you stick it out and I know this will be hard to believe but there are better days ahead, it just may be a year or so from now. I have raised three daughters and one son and each one had its issues. Sometimes it seemed we would never be happy but as young adults the hardest one we can actually laugh a little about the crazinest of it all.

    Boys are hard to reach as they don't like the all the words we women seems to have, such as a women will speak at least 20,000 words a day and a man only 7,000, so I found that with my son if we needed to talk or I was trying to find out what was going on it was easier to do it going for a drive, that way I couldnt look at him all the time and he opened up more.

    Also, a man is important in a 16 yr boys life, rather than giving him up to your brother, couldn't you think of going slower but having your brother do things with him during the week or everyother weekend having him stay with your brother and let them just hang out doing the male thing. This would give you both space from eachother. Try to work your brother into his life and partially out of yours but you still are Mom and the home base. I think he needs that foundation in you regardless of how far away you both seem at times, his roots are you but he is growing up and its confusing to him.(and you). Check out some online sites about raising sons and glean what you can, but be homebase.

    Peace (it will come)


  • Sparkplug

    Hey ladies, I think I should have been more specific. I think my brother and I have reached a happy medium. My son will go for a small stretch to my brothers. This first little stretch will be so that everyone can de-esculate. then, he will go Monday thru Friday so that he will have a very structured program. I guess my son thought that HE was leaving ME the way I heard him talk today, but I assured himm that it is only because I want the best for him that I am ALLOWING him to go with my brother.

    Then shock of his life when my brother lets him know that, he will still have chores and still have homework and even worse, my brother will give him an allotment for groceries. (which I have to supply). He has to shop for himself, cook, do his own laundry and keep his grades up. He will have to find a job for extras. He must wake himself up and if he wants to stay in band, he needs to work for it. Bill came due at 300.00 dollars this week. He will stay Monday thru Fridays and I have let him know that I will be picking him up and he will have chores here and he will be expected to speak with respect. He will not be handed whatever he needs and I will no longer give extras if he insists on talking with such disrespect. I will not go the extra mile for someone who just expects it.

    If he wants to drive, he needs to change the way he is dealing with all authority figures and family. Be respectful and start pulling his weight. Grades must come up. When he does get to drive he has to pay insurance. Basically. He will learn to be on his own, but must address the way he is being now. I have given him a chance at an enviroment more condusive to his personality, and it is up to him to take advantage. And no, he is not leaving and that is it. He will be picked up and will have to spend time with me working on repairing things. Even if it is just taking a walk or going to the gym.

    So no quick fix for him. No shrugging duties for me, no easy way out for anyone, and we all work towards what is best for him. AND I get some peace of mind back so that my other children do not have to suffer through this strain as they have been doing. The worst that can happen is he learns how to take care of himself even if he does not appreciate it.

    I have a lot of ground to cover.


Share this