I DA'd in March. I've done enough research and know enough about the Org to know that I could never never believe that crap again. I doubt the Bible... I despise the label of "religion" in general and have found such wonderful freedom in my... freedom. :) As a single blonde hottie sister, (j/k sorta) I was resented and picked on by the elders for everything from my skirt slits to my jeep and so on and so on. I was seen as wearing a big red A after a post-separation affair that gave life to my heart and sucked it out, all at the same time. But anyway... there wasn't forgiveness in my BOE towards me when I was pleading for understanding and mercy and plain ol' compassion and help. I know they have personal issues with me that will never go away...
However...
I miss my friends. I know they are conditional and will be only 'friends' if I am of 'one mind' with them. Stupidness... But I do miss them. Ok, maybe I miss the 'something to do' and the chats 'round the kitchen table with a couple of the women. And I do miss the sometimes warmth that they truly believe that they have for me... Ya know that feeling of a favorite pair of sweats? As f'd up as this religion is, life as a jw is sort of that 'familiar' thing -- at least the surroundings, but not the 'beliefs' that I could never hold again. The ex is still jw, and so the kids sorta are. The ex takes it upon himself to "explain" me and my feelings and actions to members of my former cong, yet he is 2 hours away... He's undermining... something. I just can't quite put my finger on it, but it bugs the crap outta me. I am not ALLOWED to speak for myself as nobody asks ME, but they ask HIM about me. And really, he has no clue about who I am anymore and his emotional/mental abuse has changed me into someone he doesn't know...
I'm rambling. ~sigh~
The kids were home this weekend, and yesterday we spent in the sun at the pool, just hanging and relaxing. I didn't feel like driving for 3 hours (round trip) to take them back to him and they didn't feel like it either. So ex and I bargained via text message. He wanted them back tonight in time for BS, but I couldn't meet him until a time that he had a photo shoot... so... I *gag* agreed to take the kids to the BS here and we're switching kids tomorrow a.m. Fine. So, not able to eat, I spiffed some for 5:15pm BS tonight. (back in the day, I would have at least showered after a mild workout, but not today. meh. "cover lotion" thanks to B&BW) We went. I hadn't been to a meeting since early May, and walked out early from that one as I couldn't stomach it. For some reason, tonight was a bit different. I didn't feel like throwing up. I did tune it out fairly well, except for the comment from the conductor about friends "dying" and his twisting it to include 'friends that we miss'... ie: me, without outright saying so. There was also some comment about imitating Jesus in his forgiveness... I stared down the elder on that one, as he was one of the bastards in my jc. (albeit the nicest of all three, but whatever)
So I'm wondering... could I stand to 'go back' and 'fade' ... I think Drew Sagan pondered doing this as well, but decided to nix that. My situation is a bit different, having little kids. But not that much different. I'm sure there are situations just like mine around here somewhere. I'm just not sure if I could stomach a year of hearing this crap, pretending to believe it... I know I was 'indoctinated' enough to be able to fake it good. Under no circumstances do I believe that "jehovah is with these people" -- quite the contrary, actually (Deut 18:20-22 comes to mind). But is wasting a year worth getting "friends" and a sense of 'normalcy' back...? I could get myself RI, then become a fringe-er... irregular, some meetings... just enough to be at least greeted at walmart. lol I dunno...
Maybe I need to go read C of C again. after smacking myself on the side of the head with it.
~merfi
--indecisive class--